Good Life Project

Why You Feel Unloved | 5 Research-backed Shifts That Change How Love Feels | Harry Reis

February 5, 2026

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  • The feeling of being loved requires experiencing the love offered by others as genuine and authentic to one's true self, which is often blocked when individuals hold back their true selves. 
  • The 'Seesaw Model' suggests that the most effective way to feel loved is to actively help the other person feel loved through reciprocal positive interactions, often initiated by giving love first. 
  • Chronic loneliness carries severe physiological and psychological costs, including a reduced lifespan of seven to ten years on average, highlighting the survival basis of the need for love and belonging. 
  • The provided transcript segment primarily features advertisements for Auto Trader, Granger, and LinkedIn Jobs, rather than direct insights from the discussion with Harry Reis on the Good Life Project episode "Why You Feel Unloved | 5 Research-backed Shifts That Change How Love Feels | Harry Reis". 
  • Granger positions itself as a partner for HVAC technicians needing fast and hassle-free access to the right products. 
  • LinkedIn Jobs is promoted as a tool for small business owners to efficiently hire, offering features like free job posting and access to higher-quality candidates. 

Segments

Love: Presence vs. Feeling
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(00:00:00)
  • Key Takeaway: Feeling loved requires the received affection to connect with one’s authentic self, which is often missed when individuals hold back their true selves.
  • Summary: Love not registering hurts emotionally and shapes health, belonging, and safety. The feeling of being loved requires experiencing the input as genuine to one’s real self. Holding back prevents receiving because the message doesn’t connect with the authentic self.
Defining Love and Its Importance
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(00:06:06)
  • Key Takeaway: Researchers typically define love as the deep caring about another person’s welfare, encompassing both passionate and companionate forms.
  • Summary: Love is considered the most ambiguous word in the English language, requiring researchers to define it closely. The working definition centers on deep caring for another person’s welfare. This feeling is deeply embedded in human biology, having been critical for species survival through mating and group cohesion.
Loneliness Costs and Individual Differences
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(00:12:48)
  • Key Takeaway: Chronic loneliness is strongly associated with negative health outcomes, including a lifespan reduction of seven to ten years on average.
  • Summary: Evolution allows for individual differences in the drive for connection; some people are content without strong social ties. For those who need connection but lack it chronically, loneliness exerts real costs across health, work, and academics. The current societal loneliness epidemic is noted as being worse than in previous decades.
Coping Strategies for Loneliness
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(00:20:22)
  • Key Takeaway: Healthy responses to loneliness involve mobilizing to seek out desired social connections, while unhealthy responses include substance use or binge-watching.
  • Summary: Loneliness signals a lack of desired social connections, motivating a healthy response to actively seek them out. However, some individuals react to isolation by becoming antisocial or enraged, often due to early life experiences where needs were met with rejection or danger signals. Cultural norms, especially for boys, can channel loneliness into aggressive impulses rather than sadness or connection-seeking.
The Seesaw Model of Reciprocity
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(00:27:35)
  • Key Takeaway: The Seesaw Model posits that to feel loved, one must help their partner feel loved, creating a reciprocal cycle where giving love increases the likelihood of receiving it.
  • Summary: Reciprocity drives relationship dynamics; helping a partner feel loved often leads to a cycle where they reciprocate that feeling toward you. For this cycle to work, individuals must also open up by sharing their true selves, despite miscalibrated fears of embarrassment or vulnerability. Opening up often leads to better connection than anticipated, according to research on disclosure.
Five Mindsets for Connection
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(00:39:38)
  • Key Takeaway: Effective connection relies on five mindsets: Listening, Radical Curiosity, Multiplicity, Open Heart, and Sharing, all of which foster genuine interaction.
  • Summary: The Listening and Radical Curiosity mindsets require approaching conversations with genuine interest to learn what the other person is about, exemplified by using phrases like ’tell me more.’ The Multiplicity Mindset involves accepting that people have both strengths and weaknesses, which allows for non-judgmental acceptance and greater personal genuineness. The Open Heart and Sharing mindsets ensure kindness is offered and received, and that the love returned is directed toward one’s real self, not a curated image.
The Goal of Genuine Connection
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(00:57:49)
  • Key Takeaway: Feeling truly loved requires sharing one’s full, authentic self, as love directed toward a curated image results in feeling hollow.
  • Summary: If one only presents a curated version of themselves, positive feedback will not feel genuine because the person being loved is an avatar. While starting with a curated image is acceptable for initial connection, the goal must be to unfold and share the real self. Genuine connection and feeling valued on a team or in a relationship depend on receiving positive feedback for one’s authentic thoughts and ideas.
Living a Good Life
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(01:02:17)
  • Key Takeaway: The number one criterion for a happy life is having meaningful connections and relationships, regardless of marital or partnership status.
  • Summary: Living a good life involves having enough, but most importantly, having meaningful relationships. These connections are the most important determinant of happiness. This applies to all forms of connection, not just romantic partnerships.
Car Purchase Logistics
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(01:05:21)
  • Key Takeaway: Car purchasing options include delivery or dealership pickup.
  • Summary: A brief personal interjection confirms the availability of car delivery or pickup from the dealership. The speaker mentions their child while confirming the purchase logistics. This segment is immediately followed by an advertisement break.
Granger HVAC Partnership Ad
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(01:05:34)
  • Key Takeaway: Granger provides HVAC technicians with fast, hassle-free product sourcing via an easy-to-use website.
  • Summary: Granger is presented as a necessary partner for HVAC technicians facing immediate repair needs, such as a clanking blower motor. Confidence in finding the right product quickly is achieved through their website details. Contact methods include phone (1-800-GRANGER), their website, or in-person visits.
LinkedIn Jobs for Small Business
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(01:06:04)
  • Key Takeaway: LinkedIn Jobs functions as a 24/7 hiring partner for small business owners, helping them find quality candidates.
  • Summary: Small business owners can utilize LinkedIn Jobs to manage hiring when they cannot clock out. The platform allows users to post jobs for free, share them with their network, and manage qualified candidates in one place. Promoted jobs attract three times more qualified applicants, and 72% of small businesses report finding higher-quality candidates through the service.