Good Life Project

Relationship Agreements: A Powerful Way to Deepen Love & Lessen Conflict | Krista & Will Van Derveer

March 16, 2026

Key Takeaways Copied to clipboard!

  • Intentional relationship agreements, or 
  • are crucial for moving a partnership from an 
  • to a 
  • to achieve a shared vision larger than individual needs. 
  • Abundant repair, signaled by embodied somatic relief (like wanting physical closeness) rather than just cognitive agreement, ensures that conflict deepens connection rather than creating lingering tension. 
  • The agreement to 'gamble everything for love' requires surfacing vulnerabilities, assumptions, and unspoken concerns, which counteracts the natural tendency to automate and stop seeing one's partner with fresh eyes. 
  • The human experience involves a necessary balance between seeking security/foundation and embracing the adventure of constant change and evolution in life and relationships. 
  • Stasis (lack of change) is often perceived as death individually, and this belief likely extends to the most important relationships. 
  • Living a good life, according to Krista, involves being deeply in contact with one's internal experience to share it with and receive from others, fostering rich connections. 

Segments

Origin of Relationship Agreements
Copied to clipboard!
(00:00:00)
  • Key Takeaway: Krista and Will Van Derveer developed their relationship agreements based on prior consulting work in relational leadership and lessons learned from past partnerships.
  • Summary: Krista applied principles from relational leadership education, used in organizational settings, to her personal partnership goals with Will. They intentionally created specific agreements drawing from their backgrounds and mentors to support their shared vision. This foundation was set when they were both in their mid-to-late 40s, seeking a partnership that served the world, not just a private oasis.
First Date Vision Setting
Copied to clipboard!
(00:06:00)
  • Key Takeaway: The couple established a shared vision on their first date to create a partnership that served as an engine for world service, necessitating explicit agreements.
  • Summary: Will and Krista bypassed superficial first-date topics, immediately discussing their desire for a partnership that served the world. Will’s prior relationship, based on Buddhist guidelines emphasizing individual emotional regulation (‘your disturbance is not your partner’s problem’), had limitations for achieving this larger impact. Krista also sought an ’extraordinary’ partnership after grieving a previous loss, setting a high standard for commitment.
Challenging Traditional Frameworks
Copied to clipboard!
(00:09:16)
  • Key Takeaway: Established spiritual or family guidelines often contain powerful elements alongside aspects that raise eyebrows or are outright rejected, necessitating conscious selection.
  • Summary: The conversation highlighted that inherited relationship guidelines, whether faith-based or cultural, often contain elements that are powerful and others that are questionable. Krista’s Buddhist tradition taught that emotional distress was a personal issue to be handled on the meditation cushion, a perspective they found limiting for partnership dynamics. This realization motivated them to actively question existing frameworks rather than blindly following rote rules.
The Power of High Standards
Copied to clipboard!
(00:12:11)
  • Key Takeaway: Experiencing deep loss can raise the standard for partnership so high that only an ’extraordinary’ connection warrants the risk of future heartbreak.
  • Summary: For Krista, surviving the loss of a partner meant that any subsequent partnership had to be extraordinary to justify the inherent risk of loving again. Will found that his detailed journaling about his ideal partner years prior eerily matched Krista’s qualities, suggesting that clear energetic calling is real. Both recognized their unusual shared goal: creating a union that was an engine for something bigger than themselves.
Agreements vs. Magic
Copied to clipboard!
(00:18:47)
  • Key Takeaway: Explicit, tightly worded relationship agreements enhance the magic and passion in a relationship by requiring daily presence and preventing partner automation.
  • Summary: The guests argue that agreements do not kill the magic; rather, they keep the relationship alive by demanding presence, such as the agreement to ‘always see each other with fresh eyes every day.’ This practice prevents partners from slipping into automating each other, which is similar to automating the location of furniture in a room. The requirement for continuous presence keeps the passion lit at a high level.
Structure of Effective Agreements
Copied to clipboard!
(00:39:18)
  • Key Takeaway: Effective relationship agreements must be explicit, mutually understood (not ambiguous), applicable to specific moments, and equally meaningful to both parties.
  • Summary: Agreements require shared understanding of the specific language used, ensuring both partners are referencing the same ‘shade of blue.’ They must be meaningful enough for both parties to buy into them, even when challenged. Will noted they have 24 agreements, covering the landscape of potential breakdowns, and they must be committed to by both parties as fair and just.
Gamble Everything for Love
Copied to clipboard!
(00:42:17)
  • Key Takeaway: The agreement to ‘gamble everything for love’ means committing to surfacing emotional stakes, vulnerability, and risking being wrong to preserve the connection.
  • Summary: This foundational agreement meant putting all parts of themselves on the table, including those usually held back due to cultural conditioning against causing discomfort. It involves surfacing assumptions and risking arguments or rejection in the name of love, as unspoken issues cause more trouble than what is actually said. This practice encourages surfacing things like desires for expensive investments or requests for changed behavior.
Couch Time Co-Regulation
Copied to clipboard!
(00:51:46)
  • Key Takeaway: The ‘Couch Time’ technique involves one partner lying on their back while the other lies on top, using mammal-to-mammal co-regulation to calm the nervous system during high activation.
  • Summary: This somatic tool is used when one partner is highly activated to prevent saying regrettable things while the vocal cords are influenced by the fight-or-flight system. The physical pressure and synchronized breathing activate oxytocin and shift the autonomic nervous system toward rest and digest, successfully calming the system, often within a minute. This strategy ensures partners stay in conversation until abundant repair is achieved.
Starting the Agreement Process
Copied to clipboard!
(01:01:58)
  • Key Takeaway: The starting point for creating agreements should be identifying recurring relationship breakdowns or defining the couple’s shared purpose and commitment.
  • Summary: Couples should begin by examining where they consistently get stuck in loops or breakdowns and determine what they want to be doing instead in those moments. Alternatively, they can define their shared vision: ‘What are we up to as a couple?’ and ‘Why are we together?’ This process helps orient them toward creating agreements that support their specific fulfillment goals, whether comfort or growth.
Security vs. Change Balance
Copied to clipboard!
(01:04:28)
  • Key Takeaway: Developing the capacity to meet life’s constant changes joyfully and sovereignly is crucial alongside establishing security.
  • Summary: Human beings possess significant fear regarding change and uncertainty. A balance must be struck between feeling secure and accepting that life is perpetually full of changes. Developing a method to meet these challenges with joy and sovereignty is an important skill.
Stasis and Relationships
Copied to clipboard!
(01:04:58)
  • Key Takeaway: Stasis (remaining unchanged) is perceived as death individually, a belief that likely applies to significant relationships as well.
  • Summary: One speaker expresses a long-held belief that stasis equals death individually. This belief is projected onto important relationships, though the speaker acknowledges this perspective might evolve with life seasons. The dance between wanting stability and wanting growth/evolution is a constant individual negotiation.
Defining a Good Life
Copied to clipboard!
(01:05:59)
  • Key Takeaway: A good life is defined by deep contact with one’s internal experience and the cultivation of rich connections with others.
  • Summary: To live a good life is to be deeply in contact with what is moving internally, enabling authentic sharing and support for others doing the same. For Krista, the good life centers on having deep, rich connections with surrounding beings, which brings significant joy. Another perspective shared is living the best life while chasing ambitious world impact goals balanced with deep self and relational connection.
Episode Wrap-up and Next Guest
Copied to clipboard!
(01:06:50)
  • Key Takeaway: The next episode of Good Life Project will feature Dr. Deepika Chopra discussing toxic positivity.
  • Summary: Listeners are reminded to follow Good Life Project to catch the next episode. The upcoming conversation will focus on toxic positivity and how to maintain optimism without causing delusion or harm. Production credits are listed for the current episode.
Sponsor Message: Peloton
Copied to clipboard!
(01:07:54)
  • Key Takeaway: The new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus offers real-time coaching and form correction via Peloton IQ to simplify consistent movement.
  • Summary: When life moves fast, the Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus is designed to facilitate self-care through movement. Peloton IQ provides real-time coaching, movement tracking, rep counting, and form correction, making workouts purposeful. The swivel screen allows easy transitions between running, lifting, and stretching.
Sponsor Message: AutoTrader
Copied to clipboard!
(01:08:58)
  • Key Takeaway: AutoTrader allows consumers to buy their next car completely online, including searching by specific features and arranging delivery.
  • Summary: Buying a car can be done entirely online through AutoTrader, removing the exhaustion of traditional purchasing. Users can search dealer listings for specific makes, models, colors, and features that fit their budget. Once selected, the car can be delivered to the driveway or picked up at the dealership.
Sponsor Message: Capital One
Copied to clipboard!
(01:09:39)
  • Key Takeaway: Capital One banking offers checking accounts with no fees or minimums and maintains cafes open seven days a week for customer assistance.
  • Summary: Capital One banking features checking accounts that require no fees or minimum balances. Furthermore, most Capital One cafes are accessible seven days a week to assist customers with their banking needs, including weekends. Terms apply, and users should check the specific website for details.
Sponsor Message: Tommy John
Copied to clipboard!
(01:10:10)
  • Key Takeaway: Tommy John underwear ensures all-day comfort through a perfect fit, four times more stretch than competitors, and an innovative horizontal quick draw fly.
  • Summary: An underwear refresh is recommended now, focusing on Tommy John products designed for a fit that stays put. These garments feature zero chafe due to superior stretch compared to competing brands. The horizontal quick draw fly is highlighted as a significant design improvement.