What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood | Parenting Tips From Funny Moms

Tween and Teen Crimes

January 21, 2026

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  • The baffling behaviors of tweens and teens often manifest as 'crimes' centered around the mysterious disappearance of household items like silverware and chargers, which parents often find hoarded in their rooms. 
  • Teenagers exhibit paradoxical behavior, such as demanding immediate text responses while ignoring parental messages, and claiming to have 'nothing to wear' despite a full closet. 
  • Parents must navigate the unique communication styles and social trends of older children, including the use of slang (like 'bro' or 'brain rot language') and the casualization of dress (like wearing slides with socks or pajamas everywhere). 

Segments

Introduction to Tween Crimes
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(00:00:46)
  • Key Takeaway: The episode focuses on baffling and criminal behaviors reported by parents in the What Fresh Hell community regarding their tweens and teens.
  • Summary: Hosts Margaret Ables and Amy Wilson introduce the topic of ‘Tween and Teen Crimes’ based on community submissions. The discussion is timely following recent family time spent with older children. The segment begins with listener Anna’s submission regarding footwear choices.
Socks and Slides Footwear Crime
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(00:01:59)
  • Key Takeaway: The ‘socks and slides’ footwear combination is identified as a widespread and irritating teen/tween crime, often resulting in loud, slapping noises on hard floors.
  • Summary: Listener Anna reported her teen wearing slides with socks, creating a loud ‘whap, slap’ sound, which Margaret related to the noise made by her sons descending their poorly constructed staircase. The hosts speculate this trend may originate from young athletes needing easy footwear over cleats.
Improper Food Packaging Closure
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(00:05:01)
  • Key Takeaway: Tweens frequently fail to properly seal food packaging, leaving bags ‘decorative’ rather than functional in preserving freshness.
  • Summary: Anna shared an example of a bread bag closure that was barely hooked on one side, serving no purpose in keeping oxygen out. The hosts described this as ’non-load bearing’ closure, highlighting a common lack of attention to detail regarding food storage.
Universal Male Haircut Trend
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(00:05:44)
  • Key Takeaway: A specific, universally observed hairstyle among young males, characterized by curly, fluffy hair projecting forward, is nicknamed ‘broccoli hair’ or ’llama hair’.
  • Summary: The hosts noted the commonality of this hairstyle across different ethnic backgrounds, comparing it to a young male bird displaying plumage. Margaret admitted her own past fashion choices were equally questionable, referencing 1980s Madonna-inspired attire.
Teen Slang and Language Use
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(00:07:48)
  • Key Takeaway: Teenagers frequently use specific slang terms like ‘bro’ (even directed at mothers) and employ language that parents deem ‘brain rot language’.
  • Summary: Margaret’s female child exclusively refers to her as ‘bro,’ illustrating the casual linguistic shift. The younger generation reportedly labels this new slang as ‘brain rot,’ often communicating in conversations their parents cannot decipher.
Disappearing Utensils and Chargers
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(00:09:11)
  • Key Takeaway: The disappearance of spoons and butter knives, and the theft of personal chargers, are universal, unfixable teen/tween crimes.
  • Summary: Margaret is currently experiencing a shortage of butter knives, suspecting they are being hoarded in an offspring’s room like ancient treasure. Amy declared that the charger monster phenomenon among teens and tweens has no viable solution, despite any organizational systems implemented.
Parental Amnesty Programs
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(00:12:13)
  • Key Takeaway: Parents can temporarily recover missing items by instituting a formal ‘amnesty program’ for items like keys or silverware, promising no questions asked.
  • Summary: Inspired by her father’s past ‘key amnesty program,’ Amy proposed a ‘spoon amnesty program’ to encourage the return of missing cutlery. However, Margaret noted the flaw: the teen might forget where they hid the returned items, leading to a perpetual shortage.
Wardrobe Casualization Paradox
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(00:24:07)
  • Key Takeaway: Teens reject their extensive wardrobes in favor of wearing the same few outfits, often including pajamas, multiple days in a row.
  • Summary: Gemma’s tween refuses to wear anything but pajamas, even for holiday outings requiring ‘something nice,’ leading to a complete lack of collared shirts. Margaret has conceded that fighting the pajama trend is often not worth the battle, viewing it as a ‘casualization of the wardrobe.’
Texting Expectation Paradox
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(00:27:04)
  • Key Takeaway: Teens demand instant responses to their texts or requests, yet parents must have zero expectation of a reply when they text their children.
  • Summary: Megan highlighted the double standard where teens require immediate attention, even when standing nearby, but ignore parental texts indefinitely. This behavior spills over into academic communication, where students send overly casual demands for notes instead of formal requests.
Cologne Overload and Unbeatable Strat
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(00:28:22)
  • Key Takeaway: Teens swing between smelling unwashed and being overwhelmed by synthetic cologne or perfume, with the latter being deemed worse by sensitive parents.
  • Summary: One teen’s ‘unbeatable strat’ for smelling good involves visiting Sephora to sample copious amounts of cologne before going out, leading to an overpowering scent cloud. Amy, a self-described ‘super sniffer,’ stated she prefers natural body odor over synthetic fragrances in her car.
Unplanned Adult Transportation Demands
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(00:20:20)
  • Key Takeaway: A significant teen crime is making plans that require adult transportation without informing the parents until the ride is immediately needed.
  • Summary: One listener’s teen called from 35 minutes away with no way home, expecting an immediate hour-and-a-half round trip drive. The hosts acknowledge that this stems from underdeveloped frontal lobes, as teens often fail to plan the logistics of their own outings.
Money Hoarding vs. Parental Spending
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(00:35:11)
  • Key Takeaway: Teens hoard their personal money while simultaneously treating their parents’ money as freely available for their use.
  • Summary: Dana noted the paradox where teens guard their own funds but freely spend their parents’ money, leading Margaret to adopt her father’s annoying response: ‘I’m all set. Thanks.’ When a teen lost an expensive borrowed coat, the parents had to enforce repayment via babysitting, reinforcing the value of money.
Teen Food Consumption Rates
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(00:39:00)
  • Key Takeaway: The sheer volume of food consumed by multiple teenagers is described as ‘Fred Flintstonian’ and requires parents to strategically serve cheaper fillers like bread first.
  • Summary: Margaret struggles to keep up with the meat consumption of her three teenagers, noting that a whole pot roast disappears instantly. She advises serving large amounts of King Arthur flatbread mix to fill them up before offering the more expensive protein.
Dishes Left Unrinsed
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(00:40:29)
  • Key Takeaway: Leaving sticky dishes, like those used for mac and cheese or corn dogs, unrinsed on the counter is a common crime that hardens food residue into an epoxy-like substance.
  • Summary: Laura reported her teen leaving corn dog plates on the counter without rinsing, which hardens overnight. The hosts emphasize that sticky residue, like that from craft mac and cheese, requires immediate washing or the bowl becomes permanently unusable.
Earbuds as Evasion Tactic
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(00:41:17)
  • Key Takeaway: Teens frequently wear earbuds constantly, including in the bathroom, to claim they cannot hear parents calling them for dinner or other tasks.
  • Summary: Eileen’s son uses earbuds to avoid hearing calls, leading Margaret to install cheap Amazon intercom speakers in her children’s rooms to bypass the issue. The ultimate crime is when teens unplug these speakers after hearing the dinner announcement, pretending they never heard the call.
Parental Crimes Against Teens
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(00:43:47)
  • Key Takeaway: Teens identify parental crimes such as being dismissive of their mental health concerns and embarrassing them publicly by using outdated slang or costumes.
  • Summary: Margaret’s daughter stated parents must take teen mental health seriously and not be dismissive of their feelings. A major source of embarrassment is parents yelling slang like ‘yo skibbity toilet riz’ during school pickup, as exemplified by a viral TikTok video.