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Do Siblings Need to Get Along?

February 25, 2026

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  • Sibling closeness is not the ultimate goal, and conflict is developmentally normal, often stemming from competition over perceived parental resources. 
  • Closeness and conflict are not directly correlated; high conflict can sometimes indicate a deeper bond than low-conflict neutrality, as fighting can be a way to feel connected. 
  • The primary goal for sibling relationships should be establishing basic safety, respect, and the absence of bullying, rather than forcing constant closeness or eliminating all conflict. 

Segments

Defining Sibling Rivalry vs. Closeness
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(00:01:31)
  • Key Takeaway: Sibling rivalry, characterized by competition for resources, is developmentally normal, especially when children are young or close in age.
  • Summary: Sibling rivalry is distinct from the broader question of sibling closeness and is considered an extremely normal part of development. This competition often stems from a biological imperative related to perceived differences in parental attention or resources, likened to a ’lizard brain’ survival mechanism. While annoying, this rivalry is developmentally appropriate, particularly in early years and among closely aged children.
Closeness vs. Conflict Axis
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(00:07:30)
  • Key Takeaway: Conflict is not the same as a lack of closeness; high conflict can sometimes indicate a more enmeshed relationship than low-conflict neutrality.
  • Summary: Longitudinal studies show that while early closeness often predicts later closeness, the level of conflict is not directly correlated with that closeness. Some very close siblings fight constantly as a way of expressing their bond, whereas siblings who see each other infrequently may have low conflict but also a distant relationship. Conflict can be a sign of a relationship being more ‘active’ than one characterized by indifference.
Sibling Roles and Identity Formation
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(00:10:32)
  • Key Takeaway: Siblings profoundly influence each other’s identity development by providing a contrast against which each child defines themselves, such as being the ‘rebel’ versus the ‘goody two-shoes.’
  • Summary: Early relationships, including sibling bonds, shape adult attachment styles, though traditional theories focused primarily on the parent-child dynamic. The authors reference research suggesting siblings use each other to develop separate identities, solidifying roles like the oldest, youngest, or middle child. This dynamic creates ‘dry tinder’—a history of perceived slights and established roles—that can ignite conflict later in life.
Parental Influence on Sibling Conflict
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(00:29:08)
  • Key Takeaway: Parenting programs focused on behavior management or mediation training can reduce sibling conflict in the short term, but research has not confirmed if this affects adult closeness.
  • Summary: Studies on parenting programs aimed at reducing sibling conflict found that both behavior management training (like using timeouts) and mediation training (teaching kids to resolve disputes) were effective at reducing fighting at home. However, these studies do not address the long-term impact of reduced childhood conflict on adult sibling relationships. Parents can influence conflict levels but cannot fundamentally control the ultimate level of adult closeness.
Bullying vs. Normal Conflict
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(00:40:59)
  • Key Takeaway: Parents must differentiate between normal, low-stakes sibling rivalry and bullying, which is defined by repeated, unwanted aggression involving a power imbalance.
  • Summary: It is crucial to allow children to navigate low-stakes conflict, as figuring out give-and-take forges healthy relationship skills necessary for future closeness. Bullying, however, is harmful and must be addressed; it is defined as repeated, unwanted, aggressive behavior intended to harm, where the target feels unable to defend themselves. Older siblings often hold a power imbalance that can lead to harmful, persistent bullying if dismissed as ‘just fighting.’