Best of 2025: Jessica N. Turner on Rising from Grief and Disappointment

Key Takeaways Copied to clipboard!

• Healing from major life disappointments requires naming the specific 'this' (the unmet expectation) at the center of the grief, often visualized like spokes on a wheel.  Copied to clipboard!
• Recovery involves making 'best imperfect choices' rather than striving for perfection, and focusing only on the immediate next step rather than distant future outcomes.  Copied to clipboard!
• Bravery in overcoming grief is not a destination but a continuous practice of choosing self-health and happiness through small, consistent actions, much like physical therapy exercises.  Copied to clipboard!

Segments Expand All Collapse All

Jessica’s Divorce Catalyst

Copied to clipboard!

(00:01:15)

• Key Takeaway: Jessica N. Turner’s book stems from her husband coming out as gay after initially disclosing he was bisexual in 2019, leading to divorce in July 2020.
• Summary: The catalyst for the book was the revelation of the husband’s sexuality, which shattered Jessica’s identity as a wife and mom. The book focuses not just on divorce, but on processing universal life disappointments. She emphasizes putting a comma, not a period, after the disappointment to continue writing one’s story.

Community Support During Grief

Copied to clipboard!

(00:03:50)

• Key Takeaway: Initial support came from therapists and close friends, as the couple intentionally withheld the news from family to avoid adding to the pain.
• Summary: Jessica relied on a tight circle of friends and therapists who helped carry the burden when she and her husband felt unable to walk. She delayed sharing publicly, fearing her grief would seem unsupportive of her husband’s truth, even though both feelings (support and sadness) can coexist. She carefully vetted public posts with trusted friends before sharing to ensure they were helpful and processed.

Relatability Over Aspiration

Copied to clipboard!

(00:11:16)

• Key Takeaway: Jessica’s long history as a relatable content creator, sharing vulnerability like crying herself to sleep, fostered an audience ready to lean into her difficult personal news.
• Summary: Unlike aspirational influencers, Jessica’s 18 years of content creation focused on relatability, which prepared her community for her vulnerability. Her audience sighed with relief when she shared her sorrow, as they recognized their own struggles in her experience. This shared feeling of ‘I thought it would be better than this’ across marriage, parenting, and finances is a universal ache.

Book Conception and Timing

Copied to clipboard!

(00:12:02)

• Key Takeaway: The decision to write the book was a deep, unavoidable calling, solidified after an editor encouraged her following an unexpected loss of her literary agent.
• Summary: Writing is Jessica’s least favorite part of her job, but this book felt like a deep gut calling she could not ignore. The title emerged during a workshop session when she summarized her feelings: ‘I just thought it would be better than this.’ She waited another year after signing the book deal to write the bulk, ensuring she felt whole enough to author a recovery guide.

Strategy One: Naming the ‘This’

Copied to clipboard!

(00:17:39)

• Key Takeaway: The first recovery strategy is to get extremely specific about the ’this’—the core disappointment—and map out all related unmet expectations using a wheel exercise.
• Summary: Listeners must articulate their longing and ache precisely; for example, moving beyond ‘unhappy marriage’ to specific failures like intimacy or conversation quality. Unpacking these unmet expectations reveals underlying beliefs, such as the optional nature of the ‘marriage is forever’ belief she inherited. This deep unpacking helps people face what they have been living with unexamined.

Embracing Imperfect Choices

Copied to clipboard!

(00:20:25)

• Key Takeaway: Healing is often found by choosing the ‘best imperfect choice’ between two undesirable paths, rather than seeking a perfect outcome.
• Summary: Jessica faced two imperfect paths: staying in a loveless mixed-orientation marriage or divorcing and facing co-parenting challenges and loneliness. A friend reframed this by advising her to choose the ‘best imperfect choice’ available at the moment. This perspective was freeing, leading to greater self-awareness and ultimately a happier life, including meeting a new partner.

Focusing on Today’s Needs

Copied to clipboard!

(00:23:08)

• Key Takeaway: A crucial coping mechanism is being told, ‘You don’t have to worry about that yet,’ which forces focus onto immediate, present needs.
• Summary: When overwhelmed by future scenarios (like remarriage in five years), the advice was to set those worries aside and focus only on what is needed today. The most consistent advice Jessica gives is to focus only on what is needed for the current day, not months ahead. This present focus prevents wallowing in misery while still taking action, like calling a friend when feeling sad.

Healing as Physical Therapy

Copied to clipboard!

(00:24:06)

• Key Takeaway: Life recovery is like physical therapy for an injury, relying on thousands of tiny, boring movements that eventually accumulate into profound, full healing.
• Summary: Just as fixing Achilles tendinitis requires tiny, repetitive movements, profound life healing comes from small, consistent actions. Activities like daily walks or journaling may feel insignificant in the moment, but they accumulate over time to change one’s life trajectory. These small movements are the foundation upon which major life changes are built.

Hope Through Post-Divorce Kiss

Copied to clipboard!

(00:25:37)

• Key Takeaway: The first post-divorce kiss served as a powerful, tangible whisper of hope, affirming that Jessica would be loved and experience passion again.
• Summary: The excitement of the first kiss after divorce was a ‘rom-com’ moment that countered her internalized belief that she was unworthy of desire due to changes in her body. This moment provided a light in a dark story, whispering that she would not be loveless forever. Seeking and recognizing these small moments of light is key to healing.

Defining and Practicing Bravery

Copied to clipboard!

(00:28:30)

• Key Takeaway: Bravery is not reserved for grand battles but is demonstrated by choosing one’s health and happiness over remaining bitter or stagnant after a major disappointment.
• Summary: Bravery involves making hard choices to live a full life rather than letting a negative event define the rest of one’s story, which is why most people choose to stay stuck. Bravery is not a destination but a continuous practice, like having vulnerable conversations with a partner about triggers. The rewards of repeated brave work make it a ‘comfortable armor’ for future challenges.

Key Actions for Overcoming Grief

Copied to clipboard!

(00:34:43)

• Key Takeaway: The three biggest difference-makers in Jessica’s recovery were therapy, starting to date to relearn worthiness, and consistent physical movement.
• Summary: Therapy was cited as the single best thing she did, especially for someone who had never engaged in it before. Dating was critical for her divorce recovery, helping her relearn that she was worthy of love and desire. Moving her body, starting with short Peloton rides, built physical strength that profoundly aided her emotional healing, leading her to become a top 10% user.