10% Happier with Dan Harris

The Best Way To Feel Calm (Is to Not Try To Feel Calm)

February 20, 2026

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  • The central theme of meditation is not to achieve a specific feeling like calm, but rather to develop a different way of relating to whatever emotional or mental state is already present. 
  • Techniques like mental noting (labeling thoughts as "thinking") and investigating the physical sensations of emotion can help create distance from rumination and powerful feelings, shifting the experience from drowning to surfing. 
  • Concentration or focus in meditation is not achieved by trying harder, but emerges from consistently and calmly returning attention to the object of focus (like the breath) after distraction, a process that requires surrendering the agenda to force an outcome. 

Segments

Meditation Context and Teacher Reference
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(00:00:04)
  • Key Takeaway: The point of meditation is relating differently to what is already present, not achieving a specific feeling.
  • Summary: The episode features live Q&A from subscribers to the 10% with Dan Harris app, focusing on topics like meditating through grief and the addiction to feeling calm. Dan references a technique from teacher Henry Schookman about looking for the inner ‘CEO’ or ‘hall monitor’ trying to hold things together. This concept is meant to be poignant for understanding the self.
Sponsor Advertisement Break
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(00:01:41)
  • Key Takeaway: Quince offers quality, ethically produced essentials by cutting out the middleman markup.
  • Summary: Dan Harris endorses Quince clothing, highlighting their use of organic cotton and quality materials built to last. Quince partners directly with factories meeting rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. Listeners can receive free shipping and 365-day returns via a specific URL.
Sponsor Advertisement Break
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(00:03:03)
  • Key Takeaway: Amazon Music provides millions of ad-free podcast episodes for uninterrupted listening immersion.
  • Summary: This advertisement promotes Amazon Music’s ad-free podcast experience, contrasting it with ads interrupting crucial moments. Ad-free listening is included with an Amazon Prime membership. Listeners are encouraged to download the app to stay immersed in stories and reveals.
Non-Duality and Self Illusion
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(00:03:37)
  • Key Takeaway: The ’not finding’ of a core self nugget is the finding, suggesting identity is a flow, not a solid thing.
  • Summary: Dan discusses the counterintuitive idea of non-duality and the self being an illusion, noting that looking for the inner sense of self often yields no solid core. This lack of finding is presented as the finding itself, akin to calling a flow of water a ‘river.’ Recognizing identity as a process makes powerful emotions seem more workable and impermanent.
Meditating Through Sadness and Rumination
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(00:05:46)
  • Key Takeaway: When ruminating during meditation due to sadness, the goal is to notice the thinking process, not force it out.
  • Summary: Addressing a subscriber dealing with sadness over estrangement from her son, Dan advises against trying to push away natural rumination. Instead, use mental noting (e.g., ’thinking, thinking’) to create distance from the thought content. Simultaneously, investigate the physical, bodily sensations of the emotion to navigate powerful feelings with more smoothness, like surfing instead of drowning.
Addiction to Calm and Easeful Concentration
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(00:09:01)
  • Key Takeaway: Desire for a specific outcome, like calm, is a hindrance in meditation; concentration emerges from relaxing into the basic logistics of the practice.
  • Summary: Lisa’s question about craving calm and straining for concentration is linked to having an agenda in meditation. The liberating idea is to accept the feeling present with the mantra, ‘It’s okay,’ meaning it is okay to feel the current state. Easeful concentration is achieved not by trying harder, but by mindfully noticing the desire for a certain state (labeling it ‘wanting’ or ‘craving’) and returning to the breath.
Guided vs. Unguided Meditation
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(00:14:19)
  • Key Takeaway: The best meditation is the one you actually do, and guided meditations are powerful tools for delivering wisdom.
  • Summary: Guided meditations are not considered ’training wheels’ for experienced practitioners. They are valuable because they deliver wisdom from the guider, especially in sensitive states, and repeatedly remind the practitioner of the core instructions (like starting again after distraction). Experimenting with unguided practice is fine, but consistency with guided practice is highly beneficial.
Focal Points and Spiritual Clichés
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(00:15:31)
  • Key Takeaway: The space between the eyebrows can be used as a focal point, and Dan avoids the term ’third eye’ due to spiritual cliché association.
  • Summary: Jamie inquired about the use of the ’third eye’ as a focal point, which Dan acknowledges is the space between the eyebrows. Dan prefers using the physical description (‘space between your eyebrows’) over the term ’third eye’ because he is allergic to spiritual clichés and less familiar with the specific Vedic tradition behind the term.
Meditating with ADHD and Restlessness
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(00:16:27)
  • Key Takeaway: Meditation does not need to be relaxing; walking meditation is highly recommended for those with ADHD or restlessness.
  • Summary: The expectation that meditation must be relaxing is a form of craving that hinders practice; perfect meditation can involve feeling restlessness or anxiety clearly. For those with ADHD, Jeff Warren recommends moving meditation, specifically walking meditation, where attention is brought to the physical sensations of walking. Mental noting (e.g., ’tension,’ ‘hardness’) can help maintain focus during walking practice.
Duration Goals and Gentle Pushing
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(00:19:40)
  • Key Takeaway: Eight to ten minutes of daily meditation is sufficient and perfect, but gently pushing capacity occasionally is also beneficial.
  • Summary: Kevin’s current 8-10 minute practice is considered perfect and requires no stress to change. However, it is beneficial to gently push personal limits in practice, exercise, or creative endeavors if one feels capable. Dan cautions against over-optimizing, noting that pushing too hard can lead to negative consequences, so any extension should be done carefully, perhaps just one day a week.
Closing Remarks and App Promotion
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(00:21:33)
  • Key Takeaway: The 10% with Dan Harris app offers guided meditations, live sessions, and community support.
  • Summary: Dan thanks the listeners and production team, including producers Tara Anderson and Eleanor Vasili. He promotes the 10% with Dan Harris app, which includes a growing library of meditations and a community function to connect with others. A free 14-day trial is available at danharris.com.