10% Happier with Dan Harris

How To Stay Open and Curious Even When You're Exhausted or Annoyed | Sarah Ruhl

October 29, 2025

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  • The experience of profound life challenges, such as Sarah Ruhl's 10-year struggle with undiagnosed Lyme disease leading to Bell's palsy, can force a necessary reorientation toward openness and learning from all sources. 
  • The impact of great teachers is often relational and tangible, emphasizing that learning from others requires vulnerability and bravery to invite mentorship into one's life. 
  • While digital learning lacks the crucial element of real-time reflection, the core attitude of approaching life as a perpetual student—fueled by gratitude and curiosity—is essential for avoiding boredom and stuckness, aligning with the Zen concept of beginner's mind. 
  • The phrase "dead end" can be a useful mental intervention to stop unproductive perseveration on negative thought patterns, as advised by Joseph Goldstein. 
  • The goal of both psychotherapy and Buddhism, according to Dr. Mark Epstein, is achieving "lightness," which involves taking oneself less seriously and personally. 
  • Openness to synchronicity, as demonstrated by Sarah Ruhl's $2 bill dream, can be viewed through the lens that if everything is governed by cause and effect, then "everything's magic," which can serve to wake one up. 

Segments

Bell’s Palsy and Social Life
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(00:07:35)
  • Key Takeaway: Inability to smile due to Bell’s palsy profoundly impacts social life because emotional expression is a social endeavor, not a solo one.
  • Summary: Sarah Ruhl developed Bell’s palsy after giving birth to twins, which took ten years to diagnose as neurological Lyme disease. The inability to smile made social interactions difficult, leading to assumptions about her internal state by others. She learned resilience by realizing her love was still conveyed through her voice, even without facial affect.
Gratitude and Inviting Teachers
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(00:14:47)
  • Key Takeaway: Acquiring gratitude for past teachers helps one find and value future mentors, as inviting mentorship requires vulnerability and bravery.
  • Summary: Becoming aware of one’s extraordinary teachers throughout life fosters gratitude, which in turn aids in recognizing and valuing new teachers. The conditions for inviting a teacher into one’s life include having sufficient vulnerability and bravery to ask for mentorship outside formal settings. The adage that the right teacher appears when one is ready is true, but action is also required to be open to learning.
Teaching and Imposter Syndrome
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(00:37:09)
  • Key Takeaway: Transitioning into a teaching role often provokes imposter syndrome, which is overcome through practice and recognizing one’s unique lineage and contributions.
  • Summary: Sarah Ruhl began teaching formally after being asked to substitute for her mentor, Paula Vogel, finding the experience delightful but initially anxiety-inducing. She realized she had her own valuable material to pass on, separate from her mentors, which required practice to accept. Recognizing that one is teaching implicitly (e.g., how to sit on the rug) as well as explicitly is key for parents and bosses.
Student Becomes Master Moments
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(00:43:34)
  • Key Takeaway: The shift where a student begins teaching the teacher, exemplified by Max Ritfo, demonstrates an unbroken lineage of wisdom that requires openness from the established teacher.
  • Summary: The friendship with student Max Ritfo, who was wise despite his young age and terminal illness, caused their relationship to flip from student-teacher to mutual mentorship. This mirrors the Buddhist concept of an unbroken lineage where the student becomes the master, which is only possible if the teacher remains open to learning from the student.
Finding a Meditation Teacher
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(00:51:18)
  • Key Takeaway: Finding a meditation teacher can occur through serendipitous, real-time encounters, but modern householders can also establish relationships through public teachings, retreats, or asynchronous materials.
  • Summary: A chance encounter with Lama Pema at Penn Station, while reading a book referencing his teacher, felt like an act of grace prompting a new teaching relationship. While traditional relationships involved living with the teacher, contemporary practitioners can utilize local centers, retreats, or digital resources to connect with teachers. The ‘soft sermon of your pores’—observing a teacher’s presence—is a powerful, non-verbal form of instruction.
Joseph Goldstein’s Advice
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(00:59:22)
  • Key Takeaway: Joseph Goldstein recommends using the phrase “dead end” to halt unproductive perseveration on negative thought patterns.
  • Summary: The Noble Eightfold Path series on the Waking Up app was mentioned. Joseph Goldstein’s advice for dealing with negative thought patterns is to use the phrase “dead end” when further thinking is unhelpful. This technique stops the cycle of wasting time on thoughts that have already been thoroughly considered.
Theater, Poetry, and Assholes
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(01:00:36)
  • Key Takeaway: Theater exists as a middle ground between the highbrow world of poetry and the commercial world of show business, both of which can contain difficult people.
  • Summary: The speaker notes a personal rule of ‘don’t work with assholes,’ contrasting it with the common ‘don’t be a dick.’ Theater is characterized as existing between poetry and show business, suggesting that difficult personalities can be found on either extreme.
Overcoming Musical Aversion
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(01:01:11)
  • Key Takeaway: Openness, sometimes gently coerced by a friend, can lead to enjoying art forms previously disliked, such as musicals like Sunset Boulevard.
  • Summary: The speaker historically disliked musicals, particularly plots where characters break into song. A friend, Maria Semple, encouraged attendance, leading to enjoyment of Sunset Boulevard, illustrating that openness can change artistic perspectives.
Eurydice Play Analysis
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(01:03:16)
  • Key Takeaway: Sarah Ruhl’s play Eurydice retells the Orpheus myth from Eurydice’s perspective, focusing on the rediscovery of language and memory in the underworld.
  • Summary: Eurydice follows Eurydice to the underworld where she meets her father, who reteaches her language and memory after she has forgotten them. This process makes Eurydice uncertain about returning with Orpheus when he arrives.
Openness to Synchronicity
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(01:04:49)
  • Key Takeaway: Artists often exhibit greater openness to synchronicity than scientists, exemplified by a dream about receiving two $2 bills that materialized the next morning.
  • Summary: The speaker is moving from dismissing coincidences to considering their significance, contrasting the artistic tendency toward openness with a scientist spouse’s search for explanations. A dream about a friend giving two $2 bills for an opera opening proved precognitive when the friend presented the actual bills.
Epstein’s Teaching on Lightness
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(01:08:34)
  • Key Takeaway: Psychiatrist Dr. Mark Epstein taught that the goal of both psychotherapy and Buddhism is achieving “lightness,” contrasting with the perceived failure of these methods.
  • Summary: When questioned about why some practitioners become angrier, Dr. Epstein suggested that both therapy and Buddhism ‘don’t work’ in a conventional sense, but their true aim is lightness. This concept resonated deeply, suggesting a goal beyond mere problem-solving.
Leaving Emotions Alone
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(01:10:00)
  • Key Takeaway: Dr. Epstein taught the practice of “leaving an emotion alone,” which contrasts with past therapeutic excavation methods and aligns with the meditative practice of letting thoughts float away.
  • Summary: The speaker initially mistook ’leaving an emotion alone’ for denial, contrasting it with past therapy that involved constantly poking at wounds. This practice is related to acknowledging a thought in meditation and then allowing it to pass, potentially connecting it to the concept of ‘dead end.’
Book Title Contemplation
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(01:11:13)
  • Key Takeaway: Potential book titles like ‘Me, a Love Story’ (snarky/humorous) and ‘Lightening Up’ (philosophical) both capture aspects of the work, which centers on self-seriousness and availability.
  • Summary: The speaker is considering titles for a new book, liking the snarky ‘Me, a Love Story’ because it reflects the value-add of humor in their work. ‘Lightening Up’ is also considered, as it captures the spirit of taking oneself less seriously to become more available.
Warmth in Meditation Practice
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(01:14:02)
  • Key Takeaway: A meditation teacher explained that effective practice requires both the light of understanding/insight and the warmth of the heart, which must be actively turned up.
  • Summary: A teacher in Ireland explained that meditation practice should involve both light (understanding/insight) and heat (warmth). The speaker realized their practice had clarity but lacked warmth, and intentionally increasing the volume on warmth has genuinely changed their life.
Learning from Rejection and Critics
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(01:15:39)
  • Key Takeaway: The lesson learned from difficult teachers or critics can be persistence, or recognizing the gradations of rejection to maintain courage in creative fields.
  • Summary: An elementary school art teacher forced the speaker to paint over a drawing they liked, teaching a lesson about rejecting assignments they hate rather than non-attachment. Paula Volga taught that rejection letters should be categorized by level of engagement (Xerox vs. signed), reframing rejection as progress.