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Buddhist Monks On: Letting Go of Shame, The Opposite of Depression, and Dealing With Criticism | Ajahn Kovilo and Ajahn Nisabho

March 18, 2026

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  • The practice of 'confession' or 'making open' (Pali: *avi karoti*) every two weeks in community is a humbling practice that fosters metacognition and growth by opening up mistakes to trusted peers. 
  • Giving skillful feedback requires checking one's intention (ensuring it stems from loving-kindness, not annoyance or envy) and timing, often summarized by the acronym 'BAGEL' (Beneficial, Accurate, Gentle, Expedient, Loving-kindness). 
  • Receiving criticism skillfully involves cultivating the virtue of being 'easy to speak to' (*Suvacha*), which can be supported by physical postures (like prayer hands) and mental framing, such as viewing feedback as pointing out hidden treasure or adopting the vastness of the earth or sky. 
  • The act of giving, especially when performed with deep connection (like lowering oneself to the recipient's level and touching their hand), is a powerful practice that actively absorbs anxiety and counters feelings of misery about the state of the world. 
  • Buddhist practice is summarized by the combination of *sila* (virtue, e.g., limiting phone use, practicing generosity), *samadhi* (concentration/meditation, e.g., starting the day with loving-kindness), and *panya* (wisdom, e.g., developing equanimity or a bird's-eye view). 
  • Buddhist *sadhā* (faith) is defined not as blind belief, but as the conscious 'placing of the heart' on the foundational presupposition that it is possible to abandon unwholesome mind states and cultivate wholesome ones, which is the opposite of a depressive mindset. 

Segments

Monks’ Background Stories
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(00:06:04)
  • Key Takeaway: Ajahn Kovilo’s path was influenced by Transcendentalists and a life-changing 10-day Vipassana retreat, while Ajahn Nisabo was inspired by Siddhartha and the need for spiritual grounding alongside external work.
  • Summary: Ajahn Kovilo found deep, independent happiness during a rigorous 10-day meditation retreat, shifting his life trajectory toward monasticism. Ajahn Nisabo, influenced by Jack Kornfield and Siddhartha, recognized the necessity of spiritual grounding to support external service work, leading him to Thailand’s pristine tradition.
Practice of Confession/Opening
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(00:11:05)
  • Key Takeaway: The monastic practice of avi karoti (making open/confession) every two weeks serves as a humbling practice of metacognition regarding speech and body actions, aligning with the principle that discipline equals freedom.
  • Summary: Confession is a practice of opening oneself up to trusted peers regarding mistakes, framed by the Buddha as growth in the Dhamma. The ritualized formula (Praise Buddha, state offense, ask ‘Do you see?’, ask ‘Will you restrain?’, affirm ‘Sadhu’) provides structure and prevents the listener from over-analyzing or minimizing the confession. This practice helps move the focus from ‘right/wrong’ to ‘beautiful/unbeautiful’ conduct.
Ethics and Happiness Cascade
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(00:24:02)
  • Key Takeaway: Buddhist ethical conduct (sila) is not about policing behavior but is directly linked to happiness, as virtue’s sign is peace of mind (samadhi), following the ‘well-being cascade’ where integrity fills the pool of joy.
  • Summary: The ‘bliss of blamelessness’ (anavachya sukha) results from living in line with one’s values, reducing guilt and improving meditation focus. The Buddha taught a ‘well-being cascade’ where sila (morality) fills the pool of pamoja (well-being), which then leads to rapture, tranquility, happiness (sukha), and finally concentration (samadhi). Confidence (sadha) in Buddhism means testing teachings as working hypotheses rather than accepting them based on blind faith.
Giving Skillful Feedback
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(00:33:41)
  • Key Takeaway: The Buddha provided guidelines for giving feedback to ensure the recipient listens, emphasizing checking one’s own state (e.g., not being ‘hangry’) and speaking only from loving-kindness.
  • Summary: Before giving feedback, one must examine their mind state to ensure the intention is to help the person improve, not driven by anger or envy. Key principles include speaking truthfully, at the right time, and asking permission; the modern mnemonic ‘BAGEL’ helps check if the feedback is Beneficial, Accurate, Gentle, Expedient, and delivered with Loving-kindness. Repeating wholesome intentions to the recipient beforehand strengthens the delivery.
Receiving Feedback Skillfully
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(00:40:58)
  • Key Takeaway: To handle criticism, one must cultivate Suvacha (being easy to speak to) by avoiding counter-reproving, defensiveness, or anger, and instead adopting the receptive stance of the earth, river, or sky.
  • Summary: The Buddha listed many ways people make themselves hard to speak to, such as responding with stubbornness or anger bordering on venom. Practical steps include pausing before responding (e.g., ‘Thank you, I’ll think about this for 15 minutes’) and using the Nonviolent Communication framework (Observation, Feeling, Need, Request) to align conversational levels. Mentally, one should strive to be like the vast earth, cool Ganges River, or spacious sky when receiving difficult input.
Navigating Modern Life Overwhelm
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(00:55:33)
  • Key Takeaway: To counter the ‘dumpster fire’ of modern life, practitioners should apply the threefold path: external action (sila), cultivating wholesome states (samadhi), and gaining perspective (panya), while practicing generosity before consumption.
  • Summary: Practical sila actions include limiting news consumption (e.g., waiting until after morning meditation). Samadhi involves guarding the mind upon waking by crystallizing it around loving-kindness mantras for the first 15 minutes of the day. The saraniya practice—giving before consuming—is a powerful way to counteract feelings of overwhelm by actively expressing generosity, such as giving a portion of food before eating.
Transformative Power of Giving
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(01:02:59)
  • Key Takeaway: Deeply connected acts of generosity, like feeding ants or physically meeting the needs of the homeless, are among the most powerful acts for relinquishing self.
  • Summary: Giving, when performed with deep connection, is a transformative practice that cuts against feelings of misery about the world’s state. The expression ‘action absorbs anxiety’ highlights that even small acts feel meaningful in healing the world. This generosity is presented as one of the most powerful acts observed in people, perhaps even more so than achieving deep meditative states.
Recap of Buddhist Path
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(01:04:40)
  • Key Takeaway: The recommended path involves balancing virtue (renouncing phone use, practicing generosity), concentration (starting the day with meditation), and wisdom (developing equanimity via a ‘bird’s eye view’).
  • Summary: The Ajahn’s recommend a combination of sila, samadhi, and panya. Virtue includes practices like limiting phone time (’no news before noon’) and engaging in generosity. Concentration involves starting the day with meditation to generate warmth and loving-kindness. Wisdom is cultivated by developing equanimity to view the world’s cruelty through a detached lens.
Compassion vs. Depression
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(01:05:47)
  • Key Takeaway: Honoring suffering requires cultivating bright, luminous compassion (karuna), not mirroring the suffering through a depressed mind state (dhomanasa).
  • Summary: A common misconception is that honoring suffering requires one to suffer oneself; this narrative is unhelpful. Buddhist compassion (karuna) is a bright, luminous state, whereas a depressed mind (dhomanasa) is never wholesome. The best gift one can give the world is keeping one’s mind bright while engaging joyfully in the world’s sorrows.
Defining Faith for Skeptics
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(01:07:29)
  • Key Takeaway: Buddhist sadhā means ‘placing the heart’ and is founded on the working hypothesis that abandoning unwholesome states and cultivating wholesome ones is possible.
  • Summary: Faith (sadhā) literally means placing or holding the heart, operating from presuppositions about reality. The foundation of Buddhist faith is the Buddha’s assertion that it is possible to abandon unwholesome mind states and cultivate wholesome ones. Actively cultivating positive habits or giving up negative ones is an expression of this underlying presupposition, which is Buddhist right view.
Ritualizing Faith Through Bowing
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(01:09:49)
  • Key Takeaway: Bowing ritualistically instantiates faith by physically honoring the Buddha (potential for training the mind), Dhamma (truth), and Sangha (principle of love) daily.
  • Summary: Bowing three times upon waking, before and after eating, is a physical way to instantiate faith in the core principles of Buddhism. This practice counters the depressive mechanism that suggests change is impossible (‘why even try?’). Bowing serves as an embodied reminder of one’s North Star, distinct from purely logical understanding.
Humility in Realization
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(01:12:40)
  • Key Takeaway: Buddhist practice does not support blind faith; it encourages humility, treating initial beliefs as a working hypothesis until direct realization of awakening occurs.
  • Summary: The Buddha taught that one should state what they hold by faith or logic, but never conclude that only their view is true. Faith is best treated as a working hypothesis: ‘Can we step into this practice and see if it works?’ Over time, repeated verification of the teachings (like a map) builds confidence toward final realization.
Embodiment and Secular Dharma
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(01:14:17)
  • Key Takeaway: Deeper psychological strata are touched by embodiment, ritual, and beauty, which is often lacking in secular Dharma circles that rely only on logic.
  • Summary: While sadhā can be translated as confidence, the psyche responds to embodiment, story, and ritual, which can settle deeper subverbal strata. Practitioners who only engage logically may remain on ’thin ice’ if this deeper stratum is not consolidated. Incorporating beauty and ritual helps bridge this gap without demanding a leap of faith.
Ending Faith Through Realization
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(01:16:28)
  • Key Takeaway: The goal is an ’end of faith’ achieved through personal realization, where belief transitions to direct seeing, as exemplified by Sariputta’s response to the Buddha.
  • Summary: The ultimate aim is realizing truth for oneself, moving beyond mere faith or belief, as demonstrated when Sariputta stated he had ‘seen it for myself.’ Daily embodied reminders, like bowing to one’s North Star, support this process. Listeners are encouraged to identify what is worth bowing to that is higher than the ego.
Monastery and App Promotion
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(01:17:51)
  • Key Takeaway: Clear Mountain Monastery Project offers online teachings and community engagement via ClearMountainMonastery.org and YouTube.
  • Summary: Ajahn Kovilo and Ajahn Nisabho promote their monastic community, Clear Mountain Monastery Project, available online at ClearMountainMonastery.org and on YouTube. Dan Harris promotes his ‘10% with Dan Harris’ app and a free meditation challenge called ‘Even You Can Meditate’ running March 23rd through 27th.