On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Maya Shankar: Does Change Make You Feel Lost Or Uncertain? (Use THIS Framework To Find Direction Again and Use Change to Upgrade Your Life!)

February 11, 2026

Key Takeaways Copied to clipboard!

  • To build a secure self-identity during change, anchor yourself to your underlying "why" (e.g., connection, service) rather than the external roles or titles you hold. 
  • Unexpected change often shatters the illusion of control, leading to anticipatory anxiety, but resilient individuals understand they will change and evolve on the other side of the event. 
  • We should be grateful for the person we *become* after a negative event, not necessarily the event itself, as change serves as a powerful moment of revelation to question inherited, limiting beliefs. 

Segments

Introduction and Guest Welcome
Copied to clipboard!
(00:00:00)
  • Key Takeaway: Jay Shetty promotes his Audible Original series, Messy Love, before introducing Dr. Maya Shankar.
  • Summary: Jay Shetty promotes his Audible Original series, Messy Love, which offers tools for deeper connection. He then warmly introduces Dr. Maya Shankar, expressing gratitude for her friendship and support for her new book, The Other Side of Change.
Change: Chosen vs. Unchosen
Copied to clipboard!
(00:03:22)
  • Key Takeaway: Unexpected change that chooses us is generally perceived as the most difficult type of change.
  • Summary: Jay Shetty frames change into two categories: chosen change and change that chooses the individual. The latter elicits strong negative reactions, often prompting the question, “Why did this happen now?” This highlights the human aversion to loss of control.
Fear of Uncertainty in Change
Copied to clipboard!
(00:04:21)
  • Key Takeaway: Cognitive science shows that the uncertainty of a potential negative outcome is more stressful than a guaranteed negative outcome.
  • Summary: Maya Shankar admits her fear of unexpected change stems from hating the uncertainty involved. Research indicates people are more stressed facing a 50% chance of an electric shock than a 100% chance, illustrating the brain’s aversion to ambiguity.
Formative Loss of Identity
Copied to clipboard!
(00:05:34)
  • Key Takeaway: Losing a core activity, like a career-ending injury, can feel like losing one’s entire self-identity.
  • Summary: Maya shares her career-ending injury as a concert violinist at Juilliard, which felt like losing her entire self because her identity was inextricably attached to the instrument. This loss threatened her self-worth, demonstrating how external roles define us.
Anchoring Identity Beyond Roles
Copied to clipboard!
(00:09:48)
  • Key Takeaway: A secure self-identity is built by anchoring to the underlying ‘why’ behind an activity, not just the activity itself.
  • Summary: The key thought experiment is to identify what you loved about a role (e.g., emotional connection in violin) and realize that underlying feature can be expressed through other channels. Staying connected to this ‘why’ provides a soft landing during transitions.
External Validation and Contingent Self-Esteem
Copied to clipboard!
(00:13:45)
  • Key Takeaway: Humans are socialized to anchor self-worth to external roles and labels, leading to contingent self-esteem.
  • Summary: The question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” reinforces anchoring identity to roles (‘what’) over passions (‘who’). Contingent self-esteem requires justifying existence, making external validation feel necessary until change shatters that illusion.
Case Study: Advocating Through Constraint
Copied to clipboard!
(00:15:19)
  • Key Takeaway: A constrained life can still express one’s core ‘why’ through new avenues, such as advocating for a new community.
  • Summary: A human rights lawyer incapacitated by long COVID realized his ‘why’ (advocating for the underrepresented) could still be expressed by championing the long-hauler community. This illustrates using existing core values in new, constrained circumstances.
End of History Illusion and Growth
Copied to clipboard!
(00:22:41)
  • Key Takeaway: Resilient people understand they are changing as a result of circumstances, countering the brain’s illusion that the present self is the finished product.
  • Summary: The ’end of history illusion’ causes people to believe they have changed significantly in the past but will not change much in the future. Seismic life changes accelerate internal transformations, revealing new values and capabilities that empower us.
Change as Revelation (Apocalypse)
Copied to clipboard!
(00:45:43)
  • Key Takeaway: The Greek root of ‘apocalypse’ means ‘revelation,’ suggesting negative change upends the familiar world to reveal underlying, often inherited, beliefs worth questioning.
  • Summary: Negative change, though feeling like a personal apocalypse, can serve as a powerful moment of revelation. This allows individuals to examine antiquated or subconscious beliefs, such as those about a woman’s value being tied to motherhood, which were inherited from culture or caregivers.
Quickfire: Embracing Discomfort for Growth
Copied to clipboard!
(00:48:07)
  • Key Takeaway: Introducing strategic, chosen discomfort, like taking an improv class or learning a new skill, builds resilience for dealing with unexpected change.
  • Summary: Michael Lewis suggested taking an improv class to get off balance and flex muscles that lie dormant in comfort. Seeking discomfort, as exemplified by Chris Hemsworth learning the drums, builds cognitive plasticity and reserve, making one better equipped for future challenges.