On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Dating Expert Sabrina Zohar: You’re Not Confused, You’re Ignoring the Signs (THIS Mindset Shift Will End the “What If” Loop for Good)

February 9, 2026

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  • Effort equals interest, and true interest is demonstrated through consistency, intentionality, and making you feel safe, seen, and secure, rather than just frequent texting. 
  • Chasing disinterested partners often stems from 'repetition compulsion,' where we date the parts of ourselves that haven't been healed, seeking to earn love in familiar, yet insecure, patterns. 
  • A healthy, secure relationship feels less exciting (low highs and lows) and more consistent because high intensity often signals nervous system arousal or intermittent reinforcement, not necessarily deep intimacy. 
  • Emotionally unavailable people consistently keep conversations shallow and shy away from commitment because they can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves. 
  • You cannot love someone into change; you can only love them as they decide to change through their own commitment to growth and work. 
  • Texting behavior is often a reflection of bandwidth or personal style, and anxiety about it stems from the story you create, not necessarily a lack of interest, unless there is a sudden, intrinsic shift in communication patterns. 
  • One person's lived experience regarding attraction to strong women is not universal; some men are intimidated while others, like Sabrina Zohar's partner, find them sexy based on their upbringing. 
  • The idea that you'll meet someone when you stop looking is nuanced; the real shift happens when you release control to the outcome and surrender the pressure, rather than simply stopping intentional effort. 
  • Relationships should not be expected to be effortless; they require work, but the key indicator of health is whether there is a flow and forward momentum, keeping you 'in the green' like a bank account, rather than constantly depleted. 

Segments

Assessing Genuine Interest
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(00:01:01)
  • Key Takeaway: Focus on how you feel in your body around a person rather than obsessing over whether they are choosing you.
  • Summary: Genuine interest is defined by effort, reciprocity, intentionality, and consistency, not just dopamine hits from texting. A key indicator is feeling safe, seen, and secure in the person’s presence. If you are constantly ruminating or spiraling, it signals insecurity, not true connection.
Why We Chase Unavailable Partners
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(00:06:08)
  • Key Takeaway: Chasing disinterested partners often stems from ‘repetition compulsion,’ where we date the parts of ourselves that haven’t been healed.
  • Summary: When chasing someone, check in with how old you feel, as this often connects to unhealed childhood wounds where chaos felt familiar. Intellectualizing the ‘why’ prevents feeling the underlying emotion. Repetition compulsion means dating people who mirror past relational dynamics, like a narcissistic father, because that pattern is wired into the nervous system’s homeostasis.
Nervous System State Determines Strategy
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(00:08:29)
  • Key Takeaway: Your current nervous system state dictates the story you tell yourself and the resulting dating strategy you employ.
  • Summary: If dysregulated (not safe), the story becomes ‘I need this person to answer me,’ leading to strategies like excessive texting. Expanding your window of tolerance allows you to sit in discomfort without immediately reacting or seeking external validation. Emotionally unavailable partners often feel safe because they are familiar, establishing a baseline for behavior.
Immediate Red Flags in Dating
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(00:10:21)
  • Key Takeaway: Immediate red flags include blaming all exes as ‘crazy’ and disrespecting boundaries when you say ’no.’
  • Summary: A growth-minded person takes accountability for past relationships and shows empathy, unlike narcissists who claim all exes were ‘crazy.’ Running from someone who says ‘you deserve better’ signals they won’t meet your needs, and immediate boundary testing shows a lack of respect.
Mistaking Intensity for Chemistry
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(00:13:02)
  • Key Takeaway: High highs and low lows, often mistaken for chemistry, are signs of intermittent reinforcement, not a healthy, secure relationship.
  • Summary: A healthy, secure relationship is often less exciting because it involves validation and consistency, not constant proving of worth. Butterflies can signal nervous system alarm rather than attraction, especially when tolerating poor treatment due to superficial attraction. Use the qualifier ‘for now’ to stay present and avoid pedestalizing someone.
The Danger of Rapid Escalation
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(00:16:04)
  • Key Takeaway: Sudden shifts after intense early connection often occur when the novelty wears off for those operating from fear-based attachment.
  • Summary: Spending nearly every day together early on creates intensity, not necessarily depth, which can lead to a pull-away when the novelty fades. Going slow means not expediting relationship stages faster than necessary, ensuring the person earns a place in your established life. If someone changes drastically after six weeks, examine if the initial phase was intensity masking a lack of true commitment.
Dating Fatigue and Grieving Endings
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(00:22:46)
  • Key Takeaway: Dating fatigue often results from not grieving past endings, which prevents you from engaging in the dating process from a regulated state.
  • Summary: If your state is burnout, your strategy will be to hold onto people out of fear, leading to chasing the wrong partners. You must learn to grieve the end of situationships or relationships to move forward effectively. Being grounded allows you to choose partners who complement your life, rather than needing them to complete it.
Foundations: Non-Negotiables and Advocacy
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(00:34:10)
  • Key Takeaway: A solid dating foundation requires non-negotiables like emotional completion (being done with the ex) and demonstrating growth-mindedness.
  • Summary: Key foundations include ensuring a partner is present (not hung up on an ex) and observing how they handle dysregulation (e.g., treating service staff). Self-advocacy means clearly stating your priorities and values without fear of being ’too much,’ which allows for genuine alignment rather than people-pleasing.
Learning to Advocate for Self
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(00:40:20)
  • Key Takeaway: To advocate for yourself, you must identify where you learned that speaking up was unsafe and then actively reparent that younger version.
  • Summary: The inability to advocate often stems from childhood experiences where speaking up led to negative consequences, creating a core belief that silence ensures safety. You must give yourself permission to use your voice now, understanding that setting boundaries will cause people who benefited from your silence to push back. Trust is built conditionally by giving a little, observing the response, and then giving more.
Identifying Emotional Unavailability
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(00:47:09)
  • Key Takeaway: A primary sign of emotional unavailability is consistently steering conversations back toward shallow topics, preventing any real depth.
  • Summary: If you feel unable to achieve depth in conversations, it suggests the other person is avoiding vulnerability. This avoidance is a key indicator that they cannot hold space for deeper emotional sharing.
Protecting Inner Child
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(00:46:14)
  • Key Takeaway: Protecting your inner child requires the adult self to commit to never hurting that vulnerable part again, which extends to setting boundaries in all current relationships.
  • Summary: Doing the inner work is painful but necessary for breakthroughs, often involving reconnecting with past hurts by looking at photos of one’s younger self. The adult must vow to protect that younger self from future harm, including setting boundaries with partners and colleagues. This commitment ensures the adult will protect the inner child in ways no one did previously.
Identifying Emotional Unavailability
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(00:47:09)
  • Key Takeaway: Emotionally unavailable individuals consistently buoy conversations back to shallow topics and shy away from any discussion involving commitment or vulnerability.
  • Summary: A primary sign of emotional unavailability is the inability to maintain depth in conversation, as the person constantly steers topics back to superficiality. They struggle with commitment, even simple scheduling, because letting someone in feels uncomfortable. This behavior is not necessarily about wanting you less, but about lacking the capacity to hold space for another person’s emotions.
Capacity vs. Wanting
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(00:47:58)
  • Key Takeaway: Wanting something and being able to do it are governed by different parts of the brain; emotional unavailability stems from a capacity issue, not a lack of desire.
  • Summary: A person can want a relationship but lack the capacity to be accountable for another’s emotions, which commitment requires. For example, someone grieving may be emotionally unavailable because they cannot hold their own emotions, let alone a partner’s. Therefore, one must look at capacity, as emotionally unavailable people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves.
Growth Mindset in Partners
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(00:50:40)
  • Key Takeaway: If an emotionally unavailable person is growth-minded and willing to do the work, support their efforts, but do not bet on potential if they are not actively showing progress.
  • Summary: If a partner is actively engaged in therapy and states a desire to work through avoidance or emotional unavailability, this is a positive sign. However, you cannot force change; you must set boundaries and see if they have the capacity to meet your needs. You can only love someone as they change, not before they change, which is why betting on potential often leads to disappointment.
Bumper Sticker Slogans in Dating
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(01:05:59)
  • Key Takeaway: Bumper sticker slogans like ‘right person, wrong time’ are cognitive shortcuts that prevent nuanced understanding and keep people stuck by focusing on closed windows instead of open doors.
  • Summary: The brain loves simple slogans, but complex human beings cannot be reduced to 140 characters or less. Believing in ‘right person, wrong time’ causes people to grip onto a closed window, missing new opportunities that are opening up. If someone is not right for you now, it means they lack the capacity or timing for you in this moment, and holding on prevents organic connection.
Texting Etiquette and Anxiety
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(01:07:13)
  • Key Takeaway: Anxiety over texting frequency is usually a reflection of your internal nervous system state and the story you are creating, rather than a definitive measure of the other person’s interest.
  • Summary: If someone communicates they are a bad texter due to work or bandwidth, their behavior is not necessarily a sign of disinterest, as texting requires mental bandwidth separate from desire. Texting acts like a slot machine, releasing dopamine in anticipation, leading to hypervigilance over punctuation or response time. True connection requires moving beyond text decoding to having actual conversations, like picking up the phone.
Handling Incompatibility Statements
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(01:15:38)
  • Key Takeaway: When someone states they are ’not good at relationships,’ treat it as both an honest statement and a red flag, requiring you to assess if their stated limitation aligns with what you require.
  • Summary: If a person admits they struggle with relationships, the next step is asking what that means to them, as this reveals their capacity for growth. If you are secure, you should recognize this incompatibility and move on, rather than trying to fix them. If you stay, you must be prepared that their stated limitation will likely remain unless they actively commit to change.
Neuroscience of Change
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(01:24:21)
  • Key Takeaway: Creating a new, desired neural pathway requires approximately 3,000 repetitions, highlighting why real behavioral change in dating takes years, not weeks or months.
  • Summary: When the amygdala (fear center) is triggered, it activates almost instantly (10 milliseconds), while the rational prefrontal cortex takes ten times longer to engage. To override ingrained patterns, one needs about 3,000 repetitions to form a new, organic neural pathway. This explains why challenging negative dating beliefs requires consistent, uncomfortable practice to rewire the brain’s predictive safety mechanisms.
Recommitting and Strong Women
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(01:32:17)
  • Key Takeaway: Recommitment requires going all in, and perceptions of strong women being intimidating vary based on individual male experience.
  • Summary: If one chooses to recommit, they must go all in. Men’s reactions to strong women are not monolithic; some are intimidated, while others, raised by strong women, find them attractive. Generalizing one person’s lived experience to everyone in dating is inaccurate.
Hell Yes or No Nuance
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(01:32:40)
  • Key Takeaway: While ‘if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no’ is a useful guideline, it’s acceptable for genuine connection to take time to develop into a ‘hell yes’.
  • Summary: It is acceptable for a definitive ‘yes’ to take time, as demonstrated by Sabrina Zohar taking six months while her partner was a ‘hell yes’ in month one. However, if a connection never reaches the ‘hell yes’ stage, it should ultimately be treated as a ’no’.
Stopping the Search for Love
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(01:32:58)
  • Key Takeaway: Meeting someone when you stop looking is achieved by releasing control to the outcome, not by accidental waiting.
  • Summary: Meeting someone when you stop looking is tied to releasing control over the outcome and surrendering the need to force a connection. When you show up without pressure, saying ‘if this works out, cool, and if not, not,’ you increase the chance of success because you are not trying to create something that isn’t real. This contrasts with the accidental notion of meeting someone when you least expect it.
Effortless Relationships Myth
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(01:35:10)
  • Key Takeaway: Relationships require work and should not be expected to be effortless; health is measured by flow and positive returns, not ease.
  • Summary: The belief that relationships should be effortless is a lie that leads to issues; relationships inherently take work, similar to starting a business. The measure of a healthy relationship is whether there is a flow and forward progress, ensuring one remains ‘in the green’ rather than constantly depleted and ‘in the red’.
Final Message and Self-Worth
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(01:36:00)
  • Key Takeaway: True connection and showing up differently in the world stem from returning home to oneself and shining one’s brightest light.
  • Summary: The core message is that when you return home to yourself, you can show up differently in the world, which is needed because many people try to dim others’ light. Individuals must step into their power, know their worth, and recognize that any partner would be lucky to have the opportunity to be with them.
Sponsor/Closing Remarks
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(01:38:02)
  • Key Takeaway: Compassion for one’s future self involves making choices today that ensure a shot at a happy and peaceful life.
  • Summary: Listeners are encouraged to be compassionate to themselves and extend that compassion to their future selves by making choices that secure a peaceful life. The segment concludes with advertisements for Clorox Pure Allergen Neutralizer, Sandals resorts, and BetterHelp therapy.