The School of Greatness

Why You're Afraid to Share (And What It's Costing You) | Leslie John

February 23, 2026

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  • The greater relationship issue is often TLI (too little information) rather than TMI (too much information), as undersharing leads to slow distancing in long-term connections. 
  • Mind-reading expectations—the implicit belief that partners should know how we feel without being told—set people up for disappointment and resentment in relationships. 
  • Feeling known for who you really are, including your flaws ('warts and all'), is a stronger predictor of relationship quality than being idealized. 
  • The primary relational problem is not oversharing (TMI), but rather undersharing (TLI), as silence is a conscious choice that prevents deeper connection. 
  • Revealing wisely is a crucial skill that requires practice and iteration, demanding disclosure flexibility based on context and the relationship dynamic. 
  • Leading with proactive vulnerability, rather than seeking the perfect question, is the most powerful way to elicit sharing from a reserved partner due to the human instinct to reciprocate. 

Segments

Undersharing vs. Oversharing
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(00:03:42)
  • Key Takeaway: The greater issue in relationships is consistently under-sharing (TLI) rather than oversharing (TMI).
  • Summary: While TMI exists, research repeatedly shows that under-sharing is the more significant problem eroding relationships. Silence in relationships actively hurts the individuals involved. This dynamic plays out across all relationship domains, including friendships and work.
Relationship Breakdown and Distancing
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(00:05:01)
  • Key Takeaway: Long-term relationships often fail due to slow distancing caused by overconfidence in knowing a partner.
  • Summary: Relationship breakdowns are usually caused by a slow distancing rather than dramatic events like affairs. Confidence in knowing a partner often outpaces actual knowledge over time. This leads to stopping questions and sharing, halting mutual learning.
Mind-Reading Expectations Trap
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(00:07:14)
  • Key Takeaway: Mind-reading expectations—believing partners should intuitively know one’s feelings—are insidious and associated with lower relationship quality.
  • Summary: Individuals with high mind-reading expectations implicitly assume partners should know their feelings based on non-verbal cues. When partners fail to meet these unstated expectations, the individual becomes upset and may resort to stonewalling. Expressing needs directly, such as asking for a hug, breaks this negative cycle.
IQ vs. EQ in Life Success
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(00:11:27)
  • Key Takeaway: Emotional Quotient (EQ) is considered significantly more valuable than Intelligence Quotient (IQ) for overall life success and relationships.
  • Summary: The guest, a Harvard professor, states she would choose EQ over IQ if forced to pick one. High IQ often reigns supreme in academia at the expense of developing necessary EQ skills. Leadership and communication courses, which rely heavily on EQ, are increasingly popular among executives.
Reciprocity and Parasocial Pitfalls
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(00:15:09)
  • Key Takeaway: Healthy relationship building relies on the dance of reciprocity, where mutual disclosure activates pleasure centers and fosters trust.
  • Summary: People enjoy revealing their hopes and dreams, as this activates pleasure centers in the brain and builds trust. When sharing is one-sided, it can lead to parasocial relationships where one feels connected to someone who knows nothing about them. The healthy pattern involves one person revealing, and the other reciprocating, perhaps slightly escalating the disclosure.
Knowing vs. Idealizing Partners
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(00:30:53)
  • Key Takeaway: Feeling known for one’s true self, including struggles, is a stronger predictor of relationship strength than being idealized.
  • Summary: When a partner acknowledges struggles, such as low self-esteem, it fosters intimacy far more than idealization does. Idealization can make a person feel like an imposter in the relationship. True intimacy comes from sharing vulnerabilities and being accepted for who you are.
Self-Respect and Undersharing
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(00:46:38)
  • Key Takeaway: Failing to express one’s truth, especially when it involves significant personal boundaries or needs, actively harms self-respect.
  • Summary: Stuffing emotions is a disservice to oneself because it involves avoiding coming to terms with tricky internal realities. Sharing difficult truths, even if awkward, can lead to deeper connection and validation, as demonstrated by the guest’s conversation with her mother. The act of sharing one’s truth is crucial for honoring oneself.
Delivering Difficult Feedback
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(00:48:33)
  • Key Takeaway: The most crucial element in delivering feedback is starting with a positive foundation, and the order of the ‘feedback sandwich’ matters less than the beginning.
  • Summary: Giving difficult feedback is framed as a gift because kindness involves wanting to see the other person grow. Research suggests that starting with a positive statement, often framed around respect, is highly effective. Simply listening actively to the recipient’s feelings is also an incredibly valuable, constructive action.
Conditions for Committed Partnership
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(00:53:04)
  • Key Takeaway: A key condition for a committed partnership is establishing agreements that prioritize mutual appreciation before addressing grievances.
  • Summary: The speaker established a condition in his current relationship: his partner must state one appreciation before raising any issue or frustration. This structure ensures the partner feels seen for their constant effort before diving into conflict. This approach avoids anger and promotes constructive dialogue based on mutual commitment.
Past Relationship Failures
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(00:57:27)
  • Key Takeaway: Past relationships often fail due to feeling constantly under attack, unappreciated, and misunderstood, leading to frustration from unstated ‘mind-reading expectations’.
  • Summary: The speaker recounts past relationships where he felt attacked and unappreciated, often because partners expected him to change into a different person upon commitment. He realized that changing to satisfy others resulted in unhappiness for both parties, leading to a firm stance on self-acceptance and open communication about issues. His current successful relationship began with clear agreements and proactive therapy.
The Cost of Unsaid Feelings
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(00:59:41)
  • Key Takeaway: Not sharing what is truly going on causes internal frustration and piles up, eroding self-respect over time.
  • Summary: The core of the book is making visible the thousands of daily disclosure decisions, where not speaking is also a choice. A day-in-the-life example illustrates numerous instances where feelings (like being tired, disappointed in appearance, or nervous about work) are thought but not shared, leading to misinterpretation (like snapping over a snack choice). These unsaid feelings, often related to emotions, accumulate when people default to silence rather than considering sharing.
Contextual Sharing and Vulnerability
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(01:05:13)
  • Key Takeaway: There are valid reasons for not sharing (politeness, strategy), but the key is developing ‘disclosure flexibility’ to navigate between vulnerability and guardedness.
  • Summary: While there are good reasons to withhold information, the problem arises when people default to silence without considering sharing. Sharing positive feelings, like pride after an anxious presentation, can lead to career success by providing context to a boss. Oversharing can hurt if the recipient cannot handle the vulnerability, as demonstrated by a past partner reacting negatively to the speaker’s emotion.
Oversharing vs. Contextual Sharing
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(01:07:31)
  • Key Takeaway: The impact of vulnerability depends entirely on context, timing, and the status of the relationship; anxiety and excitement are often selectively shared.
  • Summary: The line between TMI and TLI is constantly moving, requiring ‘disclosure flexibility’ to vacillate between openness and guardedness. Sharing insecurity before a high-stakes presentation to a boss is inappropriate, whereas sharing excitement after success is beneficial. True masculinity involves confidence in all emotions, and a partner’s negative reaction to vulnerability should prompt further inquiry, not silence.
Regrets and Sharing Feelings
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(01:18:32)
  • Key Takeaway: The vast majority of life regrets (76% on average) stem from things people did not do, with ‘I wish I had shared my feelings more’ being a top regret among the dying.
  • Summary: People chronically undershare feelings, which leads to missed opportunities in friendships and romance. Research shows that people regret inaction far more than action, and palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware confirmed that four out of five top regrets involve things left undone, including not sharing feelings. Expressing feelings, even crying, can be a compelling, costly signal that elicits understanding and positive outcomes when used appropriately.
Eliciting Partner Sharing
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(01:22:49)
  • Key Takeaway: Instead of asking the perfect question, the most effective way to prompt a reserved partner to share is by proactively leading with one’s own vulnerability.
  • Summary: The powerful human instinct to reciprocate means that sharing something vulnerable first naturally encourages a partner to share in return. This approach is more effective than trying to formulate the ‘right’ question to unlock hidden emotions. Learning to communicate feelings and receive others’ openness is the key to powerful relationships.
Final Truths on Disclosure
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(01:25:25)
  • Key Takeaway: The three essential truths are: TLI is the bigger problem than TMI, silence is a choice, and revealing wisely is a practice-based skill.
  • Summary: The first truth is that society fears TMI, but TLI (too little information) is the greater issue. Second, recognizing silence as a choice opens up the realization of how much is left unsaid. Finally, revealing wisely is a skill that must be practiced through experimentation and iteration to improve connection.