The School of Greatness

Narcissism Experts Reveal How To SPOT, Handle & Heal From Trauma | Lewis Howes

February 25, 2026

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  • Narcissism manifests in various forms beyond a loud ego, including covert types that disguise themselves as care, protection, or victimhood, such as the Vulnerable, Communal, and Self-righteous narcissists. 
  • Body language 'danger zone' cues, like the lip purse (a universal withholding gesture) and sudden distancing behavior, can leak a manipulator's bad intentions even when they attempt to fake competence or warmth. 
  • Adult children of narcissistic parents often internalize the hyper-critical voice of their family of origin, manifesting as severe self-criticism and guilt, which requires differentiating the self from the internalized family programming to heal. 
  • Narcissists often use mathematically learned phrases and exaggerated eye contact to captivate others, but their lack of genuine empathy is revealed when they show no concern for others' pain, contrasting with their own exaggerated reactions. 
  • A key indicator of psychopathy or severe mental instability, according to microexpression analysis, is the constant presence of 'crazy eyes'—the upper eyelids pulled far back, often mixed incongruously with expressions of joy or arousal (like the Joker's face). 
  • The biggest cause of pain in modern relationships is the shift from "us" to "me over us," where individuals prioritize their immediate feelings and needs over the collaborative effort required to build a strong, shared future, necessitating excavation and rebuilding after trauma rather than trying to return to the past. 

Segments

Six Types of Narcissism Explained
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(00:02:38)
  • Key Takeaway: Vulnerable narcissists exhibit sullenness, petulance, and chronic victimhood without taking action, unlike Grandiose narcissists who often achieve their big-game goals.
  • Summary: Dr. Ramani Durvasula details six narcissist types, noting that Vulnerable narcissists live in fantasies of achievement but fail to launch, while Grandiose types talk and often do the big game. Malignant narcissism is the most severe, involving coercion, menace, and isolation, often overlapping with traits from the dark tetrad.
Identifying Communal and Self-Righteous Types
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(00:04:22)
  • Key Takeaway: Communal narcissists gain validation by being perceived as public saviors or rescuers while being abusive or horrible behind the scenes, contrasting with Self-righteous narcissists who are judgmental and rigid, lacking heart for family hardship.
  • Summary: Communal narcissists seek validation through public good deeds but lack empathy in private relationships, exemplified by a mother who is a PTA saint but abuses her partner. Self-righteous narcissists are judgmental, rigid, and miserly, often failing to account for luck and showing no heart when others face hardship, such as refusing help to a family member experiencing job loss.
Neglectful Narcissism and Objectification
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(00:08:59)
  • Key Takeaway: Neglectful narcissists view everyone as disposable objects, failing to attune to or care when people around them are struggling unless they specifically need something.
  • Summary: Neglectful narcissists treat others as objects they can discard or ignore until they are needed, leading victims to feel as if they do not exist unless they possess something the narcissist requires. This behavior is characterized by a profound lack of empathy and failure to notice the struggles of those around them.
Charisma vs. Narcissistic Manipulation Cues
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(00:10:39)
  • Key Takeaway: Danger zone cues, which are difficult to inhibit, include the lip purse (withholding information) and increased blink rates, which can signal deception or high nervousness in manipulative individuals.
  • Summary: Behavior expert Vanessa Van Edwards distinguishes between genuine charisma and manipulative tactics by focusing on uncontrollable ‘danger zone cues’ that liars leak. These cues include the lip purse, sudden physical distancing from the topic, and elevated blink rates, which are often involuntary responses to lying or processing difficult information.
Authenticity in Toxic Interactions
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(00:20:15)
  • Key Takeaway: Forcing fake warmth cues around toxic people causes the observer to feel out of integrity, and the antidote is setting boundaries or focusing authentically on competence rather than faking niceness.
  • Summary: Constantly faking warmth around people you dislike forces your body out of authenticity, leading to internal conflict and leakage of integrity. When dealing with difficult colleagues, it is better to skip fake warmth and instead double down on authentic competence and efficiency in shared tasks.
Male Nonverbal Acknowledgment Cues
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(00:26:04)
  • Key Takeaway: Men use an upward nod to acknowledge a known peer (exposing the jugular as a sign of trust) and a downward nod to show respect to an unknown person while protecting the jugular.
  • Summary: A newly identified nonverbal cue in male interactions involves nodding direction: an upward nod signifies high warmth and trust toward someone known, while a downward nod shows respect to a stranger while maintaining physical protection. This difference relates to exposing or protecting the vulnerable jugular area.
Generational Trauma and Narcissistic Patterns
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(00:44:02)
  • Key Takeaway: The most damaging pattern passed down from narcissistic parents is the failure to break the family’s trance, leading adult children to internalize criticism and repeat unhealthy themes, even if they choose the opposite behavior.
  • Summary: Jerry Wise explains that narcissists rarely apologize because they believe they are always right, and the core dysfunction passed down is the unbroken trance of the origin family’s programming. Adult children often internalize the hyper-critical voice, directing it inward, meaning their self-hatred is often the family still operating through them.
Microexpressions and Narcissism
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(00:54:36)
  • Key Takeaway: Narcissists often overdo eye contact and mathematically deploy phrases that work to manipulate others.
  • Summary: Annie Sarnblad, a master of microexpressions, explains that narcissists use long, intense eye contact to appear connected. They learn which phrases and behaviors mathematically work to impress or manipulate people. A key sign of inauthenticity is when someone parrots back your own interests or vulnerabilities, especially if they avoid face-to-face interaction like phone or video calls.
Psychopaths and ‘Crazy Eyes’
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(00:58:29)
  • Key Takeaway: The facial expression known as ‘crazy eyes’ involves holding the upper eyelids pulled far back, which is associated with psychopaths and severe mental instability.
  • Summary: The difference between a narcissist, psychopath, and genius often lies in consistent facial tells; psychopaths frequently display ‘crazy eyes’ where the upper eyelids are constantly pulled back, exposing the sclera. This expression is normally only held briefly during intense fear (like a roller coaster) but is held constantly by individuals exhibiting psychopathy. Seeing an expression of fear combined with joy or arousal is a major red flag indicating potential danger or volatility.
Societal Narcissism and Service
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(01:02:37)
  • Key Takeaway: Societal narcissism stems from clipping the common strings (like religion or shared values) that bound people, leading to self-worship and chaos.
  • Summary: The current trend of self-interest arises because society has cut the common strings that previously dictated roles and values, leaving the self as the supreme ruler. Connection, wholeness, and peace are achieved through service to something greater than the self, not just self-focus. Collaboration must replace competition, and individuals must prioritize service over self-interest to build fulfilling relationships.
Relationship Foundations and Healing
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(01:06:53)
  • Key Takeaway: The biggest cause of pain in relationships is ‘me over us,’ and healing requires excavating past trauma to build something new, like rebuilding after the 9/11 towers fell.
  • Summary: The primary friction in relationships is the focus on ‘me over us’ rather than prioritizing the partnership. When trauma occurs, couples cannot simply return to the way things were; they must excavate the damage and build something new, stronger, and forward-looking. Reclaiming self-trust and healing from the past are essential to setting boundaries and experiencing true intimacy.