The Dr. John Delony Show

My Wife Told Me She Isn’t Attracted to Me (What Do I Do?)

February 23, 2026

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  • Weight gain and loss of attraction are often recursive symptoms of deeper internal struggles, such as unresolved past trauma, rather than just an aesthetic issue. 
  • In the context of marital sexual assault, the victim's body is reacting to keep them safe, and their autonomy dictates the path forward, regardless of past sexual history or external opinions. 
  • When dealing with estrangement from an abusive parent, the focus should shift from seeking validation from them to actively cultivating positive paternal/maternal figures for one's own children and self. 

Segments

Wife’s Attraction Loss
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(00:00:05)
  • Key Takeaway: Weight gain is often a visible indicator of deeper internal health issues affecting marital attraction.
  • Summary: A caller’s wife stated she was no longer attracted to him due to 70 pounds of weight gain over the last year. Dr. Delony suggested the weight gain is likely a dashboard light for internal struggles stemming from past trauma. These internal issues and physical changes can create a recursive cycle where emotional distance leads to further self-neglect.
Trauma and Self-Worth
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(00:01:36)
  • Key Takeaway: Past trauma, like that from an ex-wife’s criticism, fuels a narrative of not being ‘good enough,’ leading to self-neglect in the current marriage.
  • Summary: The caller’s weight gain was linked to a 25-year history of feeling inadequate from a previous marriage. Dr. Delony noted that the ‘I’ll show you’ energy used to lose weight initially burns out quickly in mundane married life, allowing old, insecure stories to resurface. True change requires challenging these internal stories to affirm self-worth independent of external validation.
Choosing Hard Paths Forward
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(00:11:41)
  • Key Takeaway: Life presents two hard paths: the difficulty of maintaining poor health and insecurity, or the difficulty of doing necessary trauma work and self-care.
  • Summary: The caller must choose between the hard path of living with physical discomfort and low confidence, or the hard path of counseling, journaling, and keeping promises to oneself. The goal is to become the confident man his wife initially married, who values self-care alongside his commitment to family.
Action Plan for Self-Worth
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(00:13:47)
  • Key Takeaway: Tangible steps to rebuild self-worth involve writing a letter to the future self, sharing vulnerability with the spouse, and committing to small, daily self-care actions.
  • Summary: Dr. Delony prescribed four actions: write a letter to 52-year-old self affirming love and commitment to change; thank the wife for her truth and read the letter to her; call a counselor to address past trauma; and write 4-5 small, non-negotiable self-care promises on a note card daily.
Marital Assault Revelation
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(00:22:28)
  • Key Takeaway: Waking up to a spouse having intercourse while asleep is marital rape, and the victim’s resulting lack of desire is a protective mechanism, not a personal failing.
  • Summary: A caller revealed her husband had intercourse with her while she was asleep on multiple occasions, leading to her loss of desire and trust. Dr. Delony explicitly labeled these acts as rape, emphasizing that the body’s reaction to avoid intimacy is a natural response to feeling unsafe around a predator. Healing requires prioritizing physical, emotional, and psychological safety above all else.
Estranged Father and New Baby
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(00:42:17)
  • Key Takeaway: When dealing with an abusive, estranged parent, the focus must shift from seeking their approval to establishing clear boundaries and securing positive male role models for the incoming child.
  • Summary: An expectant father, estranged from his emotionally abusive father, must grieve the loss of the grandfather he wished his child could have. He should maintain integrity by announcing the baby’s birth without expecting reconciliation, and must have a clear plan for managing contact, especially around the birth, to protect his new family unit.