The Dr. John Delony Show

My Husband Thinks Our Marriage Is Fine . . . I Don’t

February 6, 2026

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  • Shifting from using the word "need" to the more vulnerable word "want" in communication with a spouse is crucial because framing requests as needs places an unfair burden on the partner to prevent personal distress. 
  • Unrestrained growth is like cancer; striving indefinitely without defined goals leads to burnout, and in relationships, it is more productive to define specific, intentional goals for connection rather than pursuing vague 'growth.' 
  • When dealing with family members whose behavior violates core values, the cost of being fully oneself may involve grieving the family one wishes they had and accepting that setting boundaries might lead to conflict or estrangement. 

Segments

Need vs. Want in Marriage
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(00:00:05)
  • Key Takeaway: Replacing the word “need” with “want” in marital communication is vital because framing desires as needs hands a ‘cinder block’ of responsibility to the spouse, setting up a false reality.
  • Summary: Using ’need’ in a marriage, especially when the relationship is otherwise healthy, creates an unsustainable dynamic where one partner feels responsible for the other’s emotional safety. Vulnerable language using ‘want’ is encouraged as a more honest approach. Strangers will often meet a clear need, but articulating a want invites partnership rather than obligation.
Defining Growth and Intentionality
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(00:01:35)
  • Key Takeaway: Unrestrained growth is analogous to cancer cells that won’t stop dividing, leading to burnout if one constantly strives without defined, achievable goals.
  • Summary: Growth must be directed toward a specific outcome, such as better fitness or more intimacy, rather than being an endless pursuit. For parents of young children, striving might temporarily need to focus on basic needs like good sleep or 30 minutes of screen-free connection time. Peace is defined as the lack of chaos, which is difficult to achieve with multiple young children.
Guilt and Relationship Cycles
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(00:08:21)
  • Key Takeaway: Women often operate in a ‘guilt factory’ for not doing enough, while men operate in a ‘failure factory,’ leading to a chase-and-hide loop fueled by throwing ’needs’ at each other.
  • Summary: The cycle of holding in unexpressed wants until exploding in anger is unfair to the spouse and perpetuates guilt, restarting the cycle of holding back. A powerful reset involves treating the marriage as new, especially after major life changes like having children, and collaboratively defining how the home should feel.
Creating Connection Time
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(00:14:22)
  • Key Takeaway: Implementing ‘grown-up time’ immediately upon arriving home, even briefly, signals to children that the parental partnership is the most stable element in their world.
  • Summary: A suggested practice is setting aside time, perhaps 30 seconds of hugging or forehead-to-forehead connection, immediately upon walking in the door, even if the one-year-old must be present. This intentionality must be a unified decision, not a piecemeal change, to weather the inevitable pushback from children who are used to the previous routine.
Setting Boundaries with Family
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(00:23:05)
  • Key Takeaway: When family obligations force self-abandonment because their behavior violates core values (like using slurs), the only options are to not go or be willing to accept the label of ’troublemaker.'
  • Summary: The caller is grieving the family they wish they had—one that honors their values and respects their conscience. Behavior is a language; if family behavior communicates disrespect, the individual must choose integrity over avoiding conflict. Finding other people to be around is a necessary responsibility when core values are violated by immediate family.
Navigating Faith and Family Expectations
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(00:38:45)
  • Key Takeaway: If one is financially dependent on parents and their personal beliefs (like agnosticism) do not violate a core value (like being an active atheist), attending religious services out of respect for the parents is a way to love them.
  • Summary: Seeking comfort by avoiding difficult conversations often leads to being unsettled and frozen in one’s own skin; true comfort comes from seeking productive discomfort and taking action steps. Building trust in oneself through keeping promises (like exercise) is a prerequisite for handling external relationship challenges. Developing emotional connectivity with a parent is best achieved by asking them to share their stories rather than immediately unloading personal baggage.
Insecurity vs. Oogling
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(00:54:43)
  • Key Takeaway: A spouse reacting strongly to watching attractive people on screen, especially when it involves shared activities like watching a daughter’s sport, likely signals deep personal insecurities that need direct discussion.
  • Summary: If a partner is not actively making crude comments or comparing, their need to leave the room suggests they feel less than when viewing attractive people, which is a challenge they must address in therapy. College athletes and movie stars are naturally in peak physical condition, and internalizing that difference as a personal failing ripples negatively through the family unit.