The Dr. John Delony Show

My Husband Spanks Our Kids (I Don’t Like It)

March 13, 2026

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  • When addressing marital disagreements, approaching the conversation with the mindset that your view is right and your spouse's is wrong will derail the discussion into a conflict about right versus wrong rather than problem-solving. 
  • A spouse's reaction to a child's behavior, such as resorting to hitting when frustrated, often signals underlying, unmanaged anger or trauma from their own upbringing. 
  • In cases of sexual assault, especially when a partner is incapacitated, the relationship is fundamentally over due to the grossest violation of trust, and the immediate priority must be the victim's safety. 

Segments

Parenting Disagreement Triggers
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(00:00:05)
  • Key Takeaway: A wife’s physical reaction to her husband spanking their child is rooted in her own traumatic childhood experiences.
  • Summary: The caller experiences a physical reaction when her husband spanks their children, which throws her back to her own abusive childhood. Dr. Delony emphasizes distinguishing between a reaction to actual abuse and a reaction triggered by past trauma. The core issue is identified as the husband taking out his anger on a five-year-old, which is unacceptable regardless of the discipline method.
Addressing Spousal Anger
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(00:02:15)
  • Key Takeaway: Approaching a spouse with the assumption that one’s view is superior prevents productive conversation about differing parenting values.
  • Summary: Entering a difficult conversation assuming you have a better view than your spouse shifts the focus from the children’s behavior to right versus wrong. The caller’s husband, who was dropkicked as a child, is emotionally dysregulated if a five-year-old can provoke him to hit. Emotional maturity in parenting involves navigating situations without defaulting to a single disciplinary tool, like a hammer for every nail.
Trauma and Emotional Regulation
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(00:08:56)
  • Key Takeaway: Children raised with physical discipline mixed with affection often develop a hard-to-describe inner rage and anger.
  • Summary: The husband’s reaction of anger and hitting is unsurprising given his history of being dropkicked and then told he was loved. The caller’s tendency to shut down is a learned safety mechanism from her own traumatic past. The path forward requires the caller to communicate her fear about his frustration, not just his actions, to him directly.
Sexual Assault During Incapacitation
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(00:15:23)
  • Key Takeaway: Sexual contact with a partner who is unconscious due to medication or anesthesia constitutes rape, regardless of the perpetrator’s stated intent.
  • Summary: The caller woke up to her fiancé performing a sexual act while she was unconscious from a double dose of pain medication, which Dr. Delony explicitly labels as rape. The fiancé’s defense that her body seemed to be enjoying it is invalid because consent cannot be given while incapacitated. The immediate next step is for the victim to prioritize her physical safety by leaving the shared living situation immediately.
Navigating Trauma After Betrayal
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(00:23:39)
  • Key Takeaway: The trauma of discovering a fiancé is a rapist shatters the implicit trust required for a committed relationship, making staying an internal death sentence.
  • Summary: The caller is experiencing intense anger and guilt, which are normal reactions to the profound violation of trust that has destroyed their shared life. The feeling of losing autonomy in a relationship is distinct from the violation of rape, which severs the foundational trust required for co-creation. The caller must seek immediate support from friends because navigating this level of trauma alone is too overwhelming.
Healthy Communication in Weight Loss
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(00:36:36)
  • Key Takeaway: When discussing personal weight loss with children, focus the explanation on self-care and feeling great, avoiding numbers or shame-based language.
  • Summary: The best way to communicate body changes to children is to state plainly, “Mommy is exercising and eating really healthy foods; I am taking care of myself.” Parents should avoid pledging allegiance to a scale number or demonizing foods, as this can cause children to internalize negative ‘shoulds’ about their own bodies. Success markers should be framed around functional goals, like doing a push-up, rather than purely aesthetic outcomes.
Parental Financial Boundaries
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(00:51:16)
  • Key Takeaway: Parents funding an adult child’s life retain the right to set rules for that financial support, and clarity in these boundaries is kindness.
  • Summary: If a 21-year-old is mature enough to marry and buy a house, they are mature enough to pay for their own insurance and expenses. Parents who fund an adult child’s life can set rules for that support, and the adult child can choose to accept the gift under those rules or walk away. Allowing financial support without corresponding adult responsibility fosters entitlement and blurs necessary boundaries.