The Dr. John Delony Show

My Husband’s Sexual Requests Make Me Uncomfortable

February 9, 2026

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  • When navigating sexual boundaries complicated by past trauma, the immediate focus should be on the individual's healing process, which may require the spouse to actively support by shouldering practical burdens. 
  • For couples facing intimacy issues stemming from trauma or life stress (like young children), shifting from a mindset of 'I'm tired' to providing specific, actionable support is the necessary path toward reconnection. 
  • In marriage, expressing gratitude and acknowledging a partner's contributions, even for 'normal' adult responsibilities, is a powerful, often missing, first step toward mutual change and rebuilding intimacy. 

Segments

Boundary Setting and Trauma
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(00:00:05)
  • Key Takeaway: Setting sexual boundaries while healing from childhood sexual abuse requires navigating the husband’s desires alongside personal recovery needs.
  • Summary: A caller seeks guidance on balancing her husband’s sexual desires with her need for healing following past sexual abuse. The husband’s well-meaning but unhelpful question about therapy highlights the complexity of trauma response. The initial trauma for a child can begin long before the event if they feel unsafe turning to their parents for support.
Husband’s Role in Healing
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(00:06:10)
  • Key Takeaway: A husband can play a life-saving role during trauma healing by carrying practical burdens, allowing the wife the space to engage in necessary therapeutic work.
  • Summary: Healing from trauma involves learning skills to manage the body’s protective responses, often learned in therapy. The spouse must step up to handle daily practicalities like childcare and dinner preparation during this season. This support is crucial because the wife’s overwhelmed state is a direct result of her body running a trauma script.
Navigating Sexual Boundaries
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(00:12:03)
  • Key Takeaway: Sexual acts that trigger past trauma must be addressed with curiosity about the underlying feeling, not just treated as an act of kindness or obligation.
  • Summary: If a specific sexual act mirrors past abuse, the boundary set against it is valid and requires a deeper conversation about what the act evokes (feeling gross or used). Intimacy during a healing season requires both partners to be honest about their current capacity and desires, recognizing that the immediate needs of the household must be cleared first.
Grieving Divorce Trauma
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(00:20:28)
  • Key Takeaway: A parent grieving a child’s divorce due to infidelity must prioritize supporting the child’s strength by asking for a roadmap on how to help, rather than trying to remove the hurt.
  • Summary: Feeling disoriented and ‘crazy’ after a trusted son-in-law commits infidelity and leaves is a normal response to being stabbed in the face by someone invited into the family. Parents must avoid over-enmeshing or solving all problems, as this implicitly tells the adult child they are not strong enough to handle life. The best support involves asking for a roadmap on how to love them well and allowing them to dictate the level of parental involvement.
Husband’s Opt-Out Behavior
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(00:39:44)
  • Key Takeaway: A husband using video games or other solitary activities as a numbing agent often signals a feeling of failure or a lack of recognized purpose within the family structure.
  • Summary: When a spouse uses an activity like gaming to opt out of family participation, it suggests they are seeking external validation or accomplishment because they do not feel seen or effective at home. The wife’s fear of expressing gratitude stems from a cultural lie that capable women should not need anyone, leading to a loss of perceived power. The recommended first step is to express profound gratitude and acknowledge the husband’s contributions before demanding behavioral changes.
Agency Over Fear Follow-up
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(00:59:52)
  • Key Takeaway: The core of overcoming fear is choosing to take action rather than being passively acted upon by circumstances.
  • Summary: A previous caller successfully applied the advice to choose agency over fear following a local church shooting. Taking a week off and then returning to the church after security measures were implemented demonstrated taking action. This principle—taking action instead of being acted upon—is the central theme of overcoming life’s challenges.