The Dr. John Delony Show

I’ve Been Struggling With Porn Since I Was 10 Years Old

February 20, 2026

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  • Addiction, like pornography use, often serves as a 'crutch' protecting the individual from deeper underlying issues such as aimlessness, loneliness, or a lack of 'lived aliveness' outside the behavior. 
  • Overcoming addiction requires congruence—bringing secret behaviors into the light by committing to a small, trusted core group to share both successes and failures, as shame thrives in secrecy. 
  • When facing major life changes or relationship stress (like long-distance separation or infidelity recovery), intentionality, concrete planning, and injecting adventure/fun are crucial to prevent the relationship from withering. 

Segments

Porn Addiction Struggle Details
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(00:00:05)
  • Key Takeaway: Pornography use, starting at age 10, leads to self-dislike and feelings of being consumed or taken over.
  • Summary: The caller, Lane, has struggled with pornography since age 10, describing the urge as consuming. After giving in, he experiences intense self-dislike, which he later clarifies as shame and feeling grossed out, as if another person took over. He currently works full-time with his father and has shared this struggle with him.
Identifying Addiction’s Function
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(00:06:17)
  • Key Takeaway: Pathological addictions function as a protective mechanism, serving as a crutch to shield the user from underlying pain, aimlessness, or lack of excitement.
  • Summary: Dr. Delony frames addiction as a behavior continued despite negative consequences, asking what ailment the behavior protects the user from. For many struggling with pornography, this protection shields them from feelings of aimlessness, loneliness, or a lack of ’lived aliveness’ and adventure. Smashing devices removes the behavior but leaves the underlying void hollow unless new, fulfilling activities are introduced.
Building Life Outside Addiction
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(00:08:55)
  • Key Takeaway: Recovery requires actively seeking real-life, in-person relationships and awkward, unscripted situations that generate genuine excitement and connection.
  • Summary: To combat the emptiness left by removing the addiction, one must seek out real human interaction that involves adventure, spark, and play. This means putting oneself in uncomfortable situations where genuine connection can occur, rather than relying on performative faith settings or existing, stagnant friend groups.
Confronting Secrets and Hurdles
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(00:10:29)
  • Key Takeaway: Stopping addictive behavior necessitates surrounding oneself with people who do not engage in that behavior and actively eliminating the ’thin friction’ of access.
  • Summary: Shame is defeated when secrets are shared with a core group of trusted individuals, allowing for congruence between one’s secret and public self. Significant hurdles, such as using accountability software or limiting access to technology, must be erected because the current pornographic ecosystem is too easily accessible.
Counseling and Identity Shift
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(00:15:01)
  • Key Takeaway: For long-term struggles, especially those baked in young, seeking professional counseling is a necessary bold step beyond ‘white-knuckling’ abstinence.
  • Summary: Since the issue started young (age 10), professional counseling is recommended to address the root causes, as the cycle of abstinence and relapse is exhausting. The caller should begin reimagining his identity as ‘a guy who doesn’t look at pornography,’ which will reverse-engineer necessary behavioral changes.
Navigating Infidelity Disclosure
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(00:19:22)
  • Key Takeaway: Telling family about a spouse’s affair is generally ill-advised if the motivation is to ’even the score’ or seek validation rather than to aid the marriage’s healing process.
  • Summary: Andrew questioned whether to tell his family about his wife’s past affair, but Dr. Delony advised against it if the goal is to gain allies or express lingering anger. If the couple is committed to rebuilding their marriage, external family involvement can force them into difficult loyalty choices and distract from the necessary internal work.
Sustaining Marriage Through Mundane Work
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(00:25:09)
  • Key Takeaway: Success in marriage, like in fitness or nutrition, requires consistent daily effort through the ‘mundaneness’ phase, which often feels boring without a supportive group.
  • Summary: The energy that initially fuels recovery or relationship repair fades, leading to a boring, mundane phase where people often quit or seek excitement by ’lighting matches.’ Having a supportive gang of friends or a counselor helps sustain the commitment to the ’next right things’ during this difficult but necessary period.
Managing Long-Distance Marriage
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(00:37:09)
  • Key Takeaway: Long-distance separation, even when planned, must be treated as a difficult season requiring concrete, strategic routines for connection, not just vague promises to miss each other.
  • Summary: Matthew’s wife is moving across the country for 18 months while he stays for their child; this separation must be intentional. The couple needs to schedule concrete visits and create electronic proxies for physical intimacy and daily life participation, such as sending flirtatious texts or ordering weekly meals together.