The Dr. John Delony Show

I Love My Husband, but I Don’t Like Him Anymore

February 4, 2026

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  • Marriage requires intentional re-establishment of connection as partners evolve through different life seasons, especially after major changes like having children. 
  • A husband's desire for physical connection may stem from a need for emotional safety, creating a 'figure eight' loop where neither need is met without the other. 
  • For parents dealing with inherited challenges or chronic anxiety, the most compassionate action for their children is to actively pursue their own healing and peace first. 

Segments

Husband’s Capacity and Disengagement
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(00:00:05)
  • Key Takeaway: Wife struggles to reconcile loving the man her husband has become due to exhaustion and disengagement after having three children.
  • Summary: The caller feels her husband, a teacher nearing 40, has reached his capacity with three kids, leading to exhaustion and disengagement. He expressed wanting to be loved for who he is, while she desires more engagement, communication, and presence. This dynamic creates tension where she wants more connection outside of their strong intimacy life.
Hormonal Check Recommendation
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(00:02:49)
  • Key Takeaway: Men approaching 40 may experience a significant physical ‘falling off a cliff’ necessitating blood work, including testosterone checks.
  • Summary: Dr. Delony strongly advises the couple to get comprehensive blood work done, specifically checking testosterone and free testosterone, as some men experience a sharp decline around age 40. He notes that many men resist this step, but suggests the wife frame it as a joint activity entering their 40s.
Identifying Missing Connection Points
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(00:05:03)
  • Key Takeaway: The core missing element the caller seeks from her husband is feeling emotionally seen, reflected in small daily interactions.
  • Summary: The husband excels as a teacher but feels drained by the poisonous environment of education, finding connection primarily through sex. The wife clarifies she misses non-sexual connection, like a morning greeting or a hug upon arrival, feeling that his focus on physical intimacy is his only connection point because he feels content, bordering on apathetic, at home.
The Challenge of Unmet Needs
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(00:09:27)
  • Key Takeaway: When exhausted, couples often place all their needs onto one person, leading the husband to feel like a failure because the finish line of expectations keeps moving.
  • Summary: The host explains that when overwhelmed by life’s demands, partners overload each other with needs, causing men to retreat because they feel they can never meet the ever-changing demands. This results in a cycle where men need physical intimacy for emotional safety, and women need emotional safety before physical intimacy.
The Need for Intentional Affirmation
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(00:12:51)
  • Key Takeaway: Verbal affirmation can be perceived as manipulative if the partner’s past experiences taught them affirmation is used to gain something.
  • Summary: The caller notes her husband feels manipulated by verbal affirmation due to his mother’s past behavior, causing him to tune out requests for connection. Dr. Delony advises planning a half-day retreat to clear the deck, stating the marriage they had is over, and asking the magic question: ‘How can I love you in this season?’
Guilt of Passing Genetic Mutation
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(00:21:41)
  • Key Takeaway: Existential guilt over passing on a genetic condition (Neurofibromatosis) is compounded by the father’s pre-existing anxiety and OCD tendencies.
  • Summary: A caller struggles with guilt after learning he passed Neurofibromatosis to his daughter, triggering his lifelong anxiety and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Dr. Delony asserts the caller’s feelings of failure are incorrect signals and that he is casting an unfair shadow on his daughter by focusing on potential negative outcomes.
Path Forward for Anxiety and Guilt
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(00:26:29)
  • Key Takeaway: Peace from anxiety and guilt comes not from intellectual rumination but from taking the next right actions, including clinical treatment.
  • Summary: The host urges the caller to seek clinical treatment for his anxiety and OCD, noting that medication can temporarily lower alarm bells to allow for behavioral change. He advises the father to have an honest, compassionate conversation with his daughter about their ‘big feelings’ being a strength, not a curse, and commits to supporting his journey.
Handling Alcoholic Parents
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(00:38:53)
  • Key Takeaway: Setting and holding firm boundaries is the only way to manage interactions with actively drinking parents, requiring the adult child to accept the grief of who they are not.
  • Summary: The caller’s parents, both hospitalized due to drinking, use alcohol to cope with past trauma, making them resistant to change. Dr. Delony stresses that the adult child cannot control the parents but must establish boundaries, such as leaving if drinking occurs, and be prepared to grieve the loss of the parents they once were.
Prioritizing Marriage After First Child
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(00:48:53)
  • Key Takeaway: The marriage that existed before a child is over; couples must intentionally build a new marriage tailored to their new reality as parents.
  • Summary: Having a first child ends the previous iteration of the marriage, requiring intentional planning to build a new one based on the current season. The best thing a couple can do for their children is to love each other recklessly, requiring regular check-ins like half-day retreats to redefine needs and priorities.