Valerie Bertinelli On Overcoming Trauma, Letting Go Of Shame, & How To Practice Self-Love

Key Takeaways Copied to clipboard!

• Valerie Bertinelli's latest book stems from realizing she still had emotional traumas to heal and was tolerating unacceptable behavior, emphasizing that emotional work is ongoing.  Copied to clipboard!
• Authenticity and vulnerability are best demonstrated through action and experience, not by self-proclamation.  Copied to clipboard!
• Forgiving parents by viewing them as flawed humans who lacked necessary models for behavior was a significant step in Valerie Bertinelli's healing journey, allowing her to stop performing to please them.  Copied to clipboard!
• Self-kindness is foundational, as speaking unkindly to oneself normalizes allowing others to speak unkindly to you.  Copied to clipboard!
• Owning one's story, such as surviving sexual abuse, leads to freedom and removes the power shame holds when weaponized by others.  Copied to clipboard!
• Spirituality, for Valerie Bertinelli, involves connecting with a higher power, rejecting organized religion as a power play, and focusing on finding inherent goodness and gratitude in the world.  Copied to clipboard!

Segments Expand All Collapse All

Valerie’s Vulnerability and Emotional Work

Copied to clipboard!

(00:00:57)

• Key Takeaway: Emotional traumas that haven’t been healed can cause individuals to stumble and tolerate behavior they previously thought they wouldn’t allow.
• Summary: Valerie Bertinelli realized she had significant emotional trauma to address, leading to her latest, most vulnerable book. Emotions serve as crucial information, and embracing vulnerability is where true power lies, referencing Brené Brown’s concepts. She prefers experiencing authenticity in others rather than being told someone is authentic.

Public Trauma and Societal Disturbances

Copied to clipboard!

(00:03:14)

• Key Takeaway: Current public and political events, particularly concerning powerful men avoiding accountability for sexual assault or abuse, are activating and disturbing for survivors.
• Summary: The current climate is heavy, especially for those who have experienced sexual assault or abuse, due to a lack of accountability for powerful perpetrators. The historical gaslighting that denied these issues existed is now being overturned by public evidence. There is concern that the released files regarding these issues are heavily redacted, suggesting more information is being withheld.

Early Career Safety and Protection

Copied to clipboard!

(00:04:42)

• Key Takeaway: Having mentors like Norman Lear provided crucial protection and guidance navigating the complexities of the entertainment industry at a young age.
• Summary: Valerie Bertinelli started acting at 12 and began her sitcom at 15, feeling lucky due to protective figures like Norman Lear and Bonnie Franklin. This protection created a bubble of safety where she was unaware of the negative experiences others faced in Hollywood. She contrasts her safe experience with that of friends like Mackenzie Phillips, who endured severe hardship.

Epiphany for the New Book

Copied to clipboard!

(00:07:22)

• Key Takeaway: The epiphany for the current book arose from the realization that saying ’enough already’ was insufficient if she didn’t truly believe it, especially after a difficult year involving surgeries and emotional conflict.
• Summary: The need for the book crystallized when she recognized she couldn’t control others’ behavior, only her own response to it. She questioned what she was allowing in her life that made her feel consistently bad. This led to a commitment to stop allowing behavior she permitted just two years prior, driven by a desire to please people.

Parental Influence and Humanizing Parents

Copied to clipboard!

(00:09:08)

• Key Takeaway: Viewing parents as human beings, rather than just authority figures, especially after they pass, is essential for forgiving their inadequacies and understanding the impact of their own unhealed trauma.
• Summary: The tendency to ‘sweep under the rug’ and maintain an appearance of everything being fine was a pattern learned from previous generations. Having her own child helped Valerie Bertinelli understand her mother’s perspective, realizing parents are often just figuring things out themselves. This shift in perspective contributed significantly to her healing, as she no longer felt the need to perform to earn their approval.

Weight Release vs. Weight Loss

Copied to clipboard!

(00:28:27)

• Key Takeaway: True weight release occurs when emotional trauma that drives using food to numb feelings is addressed, rather than focusing on restrictive dieting or being a spokesperson for weight loss companies.
• Summary: Valerie Bertinelli now focuses on releasing weight by dealing with the underlying emotions, rather than actively trying to lose weight, feeling she damaged herself by promoting a weight loss company while struggling internally. She is more proud of her body now for its ability to function than when she was smaller but white-knuckling a diet. Her current focus is on physical ability—like lifting a carry-on—rather than aesthetic appearance.

Rediscovering Romantic Interest

Copied to clipboard!

(00:31:38)

• Key Takeaway: Seeing James Hetfield of Metallica provided a ‘pilot light’ moment, proving she was not emotionally dead and could still find men attractive after significant heartbreak.
• Summary: After feeling emotionally dead and planning to live alone with cats, seeing James Hetfield sparked a realization that her capacity for attraction remained. She is now open to dating again but has specific parameters, preferring someone who calms her, reciprocates effort, has a job, and communicates well. She is hesitant to date another musician after her experience with Eddie Van Halen.

Cultivating Musical Talent in Wolfie

Copied to clipboard!

(00:36:02)

• Key Takeaway: Eddie Van Halen’s joy in playing music was reignited specifically because of his son, Wolfie, who learned bass to play with him, leading to new tours and albums.
• Summary: Wolfgang Van Halen’s musical talent was nurtured in an environment saturated with instruments, with Eddie Van Halen constantly playing and encouraging him. Wolfie’s dedication to learning bass was the catalyst for Eddie to find joy in performing again after his divorce from Valerie. Wolfie also possesses significant acting talent, though he is currently focused on music.

Navigating Public Perception and Judgment

Copied to clipboard!

(00:39:15)

• Key Takeaway: The liberating realization for those in the public eye is that one must find their center internally and stop believing either the positive or negative press, as perception does not equal truth.
• Summary: Valerie Bertinelli used to be devastated by negative press and would fight to defend herself, but now she views it as mere external perception that does not change who she is. She admires Drew Barrymore’s non-judgmental nature as a model for how to interact with others. She strives to stop judging others and herself, recognizing that unkind self-talk makes one susceptible to external criticism.

Valentine’s Day Flower Rituals

Copied to clipboard!

(00:52:44)

• Key Takeaway: Valentine’s Day gestures are mandatory, but receiving flowers on other days carries more genuine weight.
• Summary: Women appreciate receiving flowers, ideally once a week, but flowers sent specifically on Valentine’s Day do not count as a true gesture. Failing to acknowledge Valentine’s Day results in immediate negative consequences, similar to going straight to jail in Monopoly. Receiving flowers the day after Valentine’s Day is suggested as an additive gesture.

Self-Acceptance and Inner Dialogue

Copied to clipboard!

(00:53:17)

• Key Takeaway: Unkind self-talk makes one susceptible to accepting unkindness from others.
• Summary: Valerie Bertinelli realized that previous self-help efforts were insufficient, necessitating a deeper, grittier examination of why she allowed negative behavior from herself. If one speaks unkindly about themselves internally, external unkind remarks sound familiar and acceptable. Overcoming this involved laughing at past negative comments about physical appearance, such as thigh gaps, and removing toxic friends from one’s life.

Spirituality and Louise Hay

Copied to clipboard!

(00:54:50)

• Key Takeaway: True spiritual guidance empowers individuals to become their own guru, contrasting with traditional pedestal-placing gurus.
• Summary: Louise Hay’s teachings, particularly affirmations like “All is well” and “Everything is happening for my highest good,” provided essential support during difficult times. Hay’s approach was unique because she infused energy in others to become their own guru rather than placing herself on a pedestal. Trusting one’s instincts is a major learned lesson, recognizing that perceived red flags are genuine indicators.

Defining Personal Spirituality

Copied to clipboard!

(00:56:21)

• Key Takeaway: Spirituality is defined as connecting with a higher power and focusing energy outward to promote positivity.
• Summary: Spirituality involves making a connection with a higher power, universe, or God, independent of organized religion, which is viewed as a potential power play. The goal is to behave as the best possible version of oneself to treat others with pure kindness and seek the same in return. Putting positive energy into the world helps negate the existing negative energy.

Artistic Inclinations and Future Books

Copied to clipboard!

(00:57:53)

• Key Takeaway: Artistic expression is an inherent human trait that should be nurtured, and future books may focus on inspiration or cookbooks.
• Summary: Valerie leans toward artistic partners, noting that everyone possesses an artistic muscle that can be suppressed by daily obligations. While she is unsure about the next book topic, she anticipates having another one or two cookbooks in her repertoire. She enjoys inspiring people to be their best selves, which reciprocally inspires her own growth.

Healing from Trauma and Shame

Copied to clipboard!

(00:59:18)

• Key Takeaway: Publicly owning past trauma, like sexual abuse, through therapeutic work leads to profound freedom from shame.
• Summary: The book evolved from self-improvement exercises to addressing being a survivor of sexual abuse, a statement she could only say aloud after 10 years of therapy, including EMDR. Being able to state this publicly freed her because someone who knew her shame could no longer use it as a weapon against her. Owning her recovery grounds her, making her immune to external criticism or untrue statements.

Book Promotion and Wolfie’s Music

Copied to clipboard!

(01:00:53)

• Key Takeaway: Valerie Bertinelli’s new book, “Getting Naked,” includes meditations available on the audio version, and her son Wolfgang Van Halen’s music is highly recommended.
• Summary: Listeners are encouraged to buy Valerie’s books, especially the new one, and support local bookstores first. The audio version of “Getting Naked: The Quiet Work of Becoming Perfectly Imperfect” features meditations designed to help listeners find calm. Specific songs by Wolfgang Van Halen, such as “All in Good Time” and “Distance” (a Grammy-nominated tribute to his father), are highlighted as essential listening.