The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Show

Chris Appleton On Finding Your True Identity, Resilience, & Breaking His Silence To Live Authentically

February 5, 2026

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  • Nervousness before a big event is an indicator that one cares deeply about the outcome, not necessarily a sign of inadequacy. 
  • Chris Appleton's journey highlights how childhood programming, stemming from bullying and feeling misunderstood (like being dyslexic), can lead to abandoning one's true self to prove others wrong. 
  • True beauty and alignment come from getting in sync internally, as external appearance alone is insufficient to mask internal brokenness or unhappiness. 
  • Generational shifts in societal acceptance, particularly regarding the LGBTQ+ community, are driven by open conversations like the one featured on *The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Show*. 
  • The facade of saying "fine" prevents acknowledging underlying issues, and the first step toward authentic living is accepting that something feels wrong. 
  • In relationships, relying on hope that "love wins" is insufficient; true alignment and self-love are necessary, as demonstrated by Chris Appleton's realization after past relationships. 

Segments

Golden Globes Anxiety and Expectations
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(00:01:18)
  • Key Takeaway: High-profile work, like styling JLo for the Golden Globes, generates nervousness due to public expectation and the internet’s readiness to critique failure.
  • Summary: Chris Appleton still experiences nervousness before major events because he cares about the outcome and recognizes the high public expectation. He notes that the internet often waits for high-profile looks to fail or have one hair out of place. Feeling good after a successful styling session creates an infectious feeling that helps the client face the world.
Hair Styling as Making People Seen
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(00:02:27)
  • Key Takeaway: The core of Chris Appleton’s work is making people feel seen, which is more significant than just the technical execution of hairstyling.
  • Summary: The nervousness felt before big events relates to the pressure of the internet and public conversation surrounding the work. Appleton connects his desire to make people look and feel good back to being that nine-year-old kid. He acknowledges that his personal definition of what looks and feels good will always generate conversation.
Nervousness as an Indicator of Care
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(00:03:38)
  • Key Takeaway: Experiencing nervousness or anxiety before a performance or task is a positive indicator that one genuinely cares about that endeavor.
  • Summary: Drawing on a quote attributed to Mel Robbins, the hosts agree that anxiety signals investment in the outcome. If one stops feeling nervous, it might suggest they no longer care or have outgrown the situation. This feeling motivates Appleton to strive for excellence.
First Moment of Confidence Impact
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(00:04:07)
  • Key Takeaway: The powerful reaction of his mother after a childhood haircut, transforming her appearance from her rough life, solidified hair styling as a ‘superpower’ for Appleton.
  • Summary: Appleton first realized the power of his skill when styling his mother’s hair to look like Hollywood figures, eliciting a powerful, positive reaction. This was significant because he felt unintelligent due to being dyslexic and told he was stupid. This success motivated him to become the best at hair, beginning his professional journey.
Roots Defining Identity and Bullying
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(00:05:42)
  • Key Takeaway: Childhood labels, like being placed in special needs classes, can define one’s professional motivation but negatively impact personal life until addressed later.
  • Summary: The book title, Your Roots Don’t Define You, is ironic because those early messages often do define people, motivating success professionally but hindering personal growth. Getting a job in a salon at 13 led to bullying where peers assumed he was gay and physically attacked him. This led him to abandon parts of himself to prove he was ’not stupid and not gay.'
Navigating Early Sexuality and Fear
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(00:07:06)
  • Key Takeaway: Societal fear surrounding HIV in the 1990s deeply ingrained a subconscious resistance to exploring his sexuality, even while in a long-term relationship.
  • Summary: Appleton was in a nine-year relationship with a woman named Kate but never married, and he had limited exploration of his sexuality before that. A negative experience at a gay bar reinforced the idea that he did not belong there, aligning with the era’s fear-based narratives about gay men and HIV. A later conversation with an HIV-positive friend solidified his internal programming to remain ’normal’ and straight.
The Breakup Haircut and Self-Discovery
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(00:08:23)
  • Key Takeaway: Post-breakup exploration, including a kiss with a man in Barcelona, triggered deep-seated childhood fears about sexuality and HIV, forcing a confrontation with his identity.
  • Summary: Breakups often prompt people to seek drastic changes, like a ‘breakup haircut,’ to signify a new version of themselves. After his breakup with Kate, dating led to an incident that triggered intense fear related to the HIV narrative instilled in him as a child. This fear reinforced his fixation on proving he was straight and living conventionally, which he later realized was self-abandonment.
Frameworks and Approaching Mid-Life
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(00:10:44)
  • Key Takeaway: Many people build rigid life frameworks based on external expectations, and true self-discovery often begins in mid-life when questioning why one is programmed to think or behave a certain way.
  • Summary: Appleton built a career making others see themselves but failed to look in the mirror himself, prioritizing societal norms over authenticity. Approaching his 40s prompted him to examine his childhood programming, realizing that fear and bullying created a restrictive framework he followed relentlessly. These inherited frameworks, whether about sexuality or career, can be traced back to single comments made in childhood.
The Deeper Meaning of the Book
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(00:12:20)
  • Key Takeaway: The book, Your Roots Don’t Define You, encourages readers to stop glancing at their reflection and truly see if their external appearance aligns with their internal feelings, as many people operate under inherited limitations.
  • Summary: Appleton observed clients in his chair placing blocks on their outer appearance based on old programming, such as being told blonde hair doesn’t suit them. He realized the deeper beauty lies in internal alignment, as he often appeared successful externally while being broken internally. The book aims to help readers identify if their current life path is truly their own or inherited from external expectations.
Revealing Darkest Moments for Connection
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(00:15:34)
  • Key Takeaway: Appleton rewrote his book to scratch beneath the glossy surface, sharing his darkest moments, including a suicide attempt, to enable others to feel less ashamed.
  • Summary: He initially wrote a more glamorous book but felt it didn’t reflect his true learning and feelings. The darkest moment of his life was attempting suicide, driven by 20 years of not living authentically and fearing his children would be bullied for having a gay father. Waking up in the hospital, saved by Kate, prompted the quiet realization that he must start by accepting who he is.
Overcoming Shame Through Self-Acceptance
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(00:34:01)
  • Key Takeaway: Releasing deep-seated shame involved connecting with the lonely, different young boy he abandoned, realizing that the traits he hid would become his superpower.
  • Summary: Therapy involved revisiting a distinct memory of being a sad, lonely, and different six-year-old boy who felt misunderstood due to dyslexia. The adult realization that he had been mean to himself his whole life by abandoning that child brought a profound release of shame. He understood that the difference he tried to hide would eventually become his strength.
Parenting Through Evolved Understanding
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(00:39:26)
  • Key Takeaway: Parenting differently involves actively breaking inherited dysfunctional patterns while simultaneously teaching children the importance of self-respect and setting boundaries.
  • Summary: Despite his divorce, Appleton and Kate remain a united family unit, creating a new, positive story in the UK, a place that once triggered panic attacks due to past trauma. His daughter recently inspired him by setting a clear boundary with a family member who reverted to toxic behavior, showing she learned to expect more for herself. This demonstrates that each generation has the tools to strive to be better than the last.
Generational Emotional Suppression
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(00:48:53)
  • Key Takeaway: Past generations often suppressed emotions and avoided therapy, exemplified by learning of deaths via newspaper.
  • Summary: Conversations about feelings were historically absent, leading to emotional suppression where major life events like death were handled without therapeutic support. This contrasts sharply with modern expectations for open communication and evolving social norms. Conversations must happen to keep societal dynamics progressing.
Taboo and Mainstream Acceptance
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(00:49:10)
  • Key Takeaway: Being openly gay was a significant taboo during the speakers’ youth, unlike the current mainstream acceptance seen in media like Heated Rivalry.
  • Summary: The experience of being a gay person growing up was highly taboo compared to today, where media representation is normalizing these narratives. Shows like Heated Rivalry are changing dynamics by fostering healthy conversations and presenting love stories without stigma. Previously, media focused on gay content was often siloed to specific audiences.
Authenticity and Acknowledging Wrongness
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(00:50:34)
  • Key Takeaway: The first step to living authentically is abandoning the facade of saying “fine” and accepting that something feels wrong.
  • Summary: The word “fine” is often used as a facade to avoid acknowledging personal issues in relationships, work, or finances. If something feels wrong, it usually is, requiring exploration into areas like marriage or career misalignment. True alignment requires looking in the mirror to see if internal feelings match external presentation.
Sponsor Read: Beekeepers Naturals
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(00:51:49)
  • Key Takeaway: Beekeepers Naturals B. Propolis spray supports the immune system by killing germs on contact and contains over 300 essential vitamins and antioxidants.
  • Summary: The B. Propolis throat spray is recommended for travel and illness prevention, killing germs instantly while supporting immunity. It delivers essential vitamins, antioxidants, and bioactive compounds, including flavonoids that combat free radicals and stress. Listeners can receive 20% off orders using code SKINNY at beekeepersnaturals.com/skinny.
Sponsor Read: Bobbie Formula
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(00:53:28)
  • Key Takeaway: Bobbie formula is trusted by parents who combo feed, is European style, and is clinically crafted to mirror breast milk.
  • Summary: Nearly 90% of new parents on Bobbie are combo feeding, utilizing this formula for safe, complete nutrition. Bobbie is USDA and EU organic, featuring naturally occurring MFGM, DHA, and choline for brain development, alongside a 60-40 whey to casein blend for digestion. Every batch undergoes over 2,000 safety checks and was named a Top Choice by Consumer Reports for purity.
Sponsor Read: Ka’Chava Supplement
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(00:54:58)
  • Key Takeaway: Two scoops of Ka’Chava provide 25 grams of protein and six grams of fiber, supporting energy, digestion, and immune health.
  • Summary: Ka’Chava is utilized for high-quality supplementation, delivering protein, fiber, greens, and adaptogens in a personalized smoothie. It supports energy levels, digestion via fiber and probiotics, and muscle building. The product is non-GMO, free from soy, animal products, gluten, and preservatives, and can be purchased with a 15% discount using code SKINNY at kachava.com.
Sponsor Read: Ice Roller Redesign
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(00:56:28)
  • Key Takeaway: The redesigned Skinny Confidential Ice Roller features a silver roller and softer pink aesthetic, maintaining its function to de-puff, sculpt, and boost circulation.
  • Summary: The iconic Ice Roller has been reimagined with sleeker lines, a silver roller, and a custom dust bag to feel more evolved. Its core benefits remain: reducing puffiness and redness, boosting circulation for radiance, and providing smoother, tighter-looking skin through cold therapy. This tool is positioned as an essential step before applying skincare and makeup.
Relationship Hindsight and Self-Focus
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(00:58:57)
  • Key Takeaway: Chris Appleton learned that love alone is insufficient in relationships, realizing he often gave away love meant for himself while trying to fix partners.
  • Summary: The speaker has no regrets, viewing past relationship challenges as learning experiences where he hoped love would be enough, but learned alignment is crucial. A toxic trait identified was the desire to fix people, leading to emotional starvation by overextending and accommodating others instead of prioritizing self-care. Being single for two years has fostered comfort in solitude and protectiveness over his life.
Refining Taste in Life Choices
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(01:01:02)
  • Key Takeaway: As one gains life experience, similar to buying houses, one’s taste refines, leading to a smaller, more selective pool of what is acceptable.
  • Summary: Life experiences allow individuals to refine their preferences, knowing what works and what doesn’t, which narrows the pool of suitable partners or situations. Conversely, becoming overly particular without having had diverse experiences can lead to isolation and missing out on potential connections. The key is learning from past situations to evolve one’s standards.
Toxic Traits and Self-Awareness
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(01:03:16)
  • Key Takeaway: Self-awareness of toxic traits, such as being dismissive or giving the silent treatment, is crucial for growth, even if the trait is difficult to change.
  • Summary: One speaker’s toxic trait is appearing dismissive due to talking fast and not verbally acknowledging listening, while the other’s is the silent treatment due to capacity drainage. Acknowledging these traits allows for catching the behavior in the moment, which is a significant step beyond continuing the pattern unconsciously. The attraction to ‘fixer-upper’ dynamics in relationships is now recognized as a pattern to avoid.
Chris Appleton’s Dating Criteria
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(01:09:40)
  • Key Takeaway: Chris Appleton prioritizes honesty, passion for one’s work, fun, and a partner who knows and embodies their true self.
  • Summary: Key qualities sought in a partner include honesty and passion, regardless of the specific career path, provided the individual loves what they do. It is essential that a partner is genuinely themselves rather than presenting a version they think is desired. The ultimate goal is to ‘die with memories, not dreams,’ emphasizing gratitude for current experiences.
Transforming Life and Chris Jenner Example
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(01:10:13)
  • Key Takeaway: It is never too late to transform one’s life, as exemplified by Chris Jenner embracing new looks after years of sticking to a signature style.
  • Summary: Gratitude is a powerful practice to counteract comparison culture seen on social media, focusing on present blessings like health and career milestones. Chris Jenner’s willingness to change her signature pixie cut after encouragement shows that transformation is possible at any age. Seeing someone evolve inspires others to break out of self-imposed boxes.
Book Promotion and Final Thoughts
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(01:13:03)
  • Key Takeaway: Chris Appleton’s book, Your Roots Don’t Define You, is for anyone seeking to transform their life and create a comeback, featuring exciting and emotional stories.
  • Summary: The book Your Roots Don’t Define You is available on Amazon and HarperCollins for those questioning their current life situation. It contains personal stories intended to make readers laugh and cry, revealing parts of the author previously unknown to the public. The conversation concludes with congratulations on the book’s release.