The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Show

Candace Bushnell On Modern Dating, Sex & The City, & Evolving Gender Roles In Society

September 25, 2025

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  • Candace Bushnell emphasizes that writing a novel requires significant discipline and solitary dedication, often taking two to three years for completion, and that the reception of a book is subjective as readers bring their own experiences and biases to the work. 
  • Modern dating has shifted dramatically due to increased female independence and societal evolution, allowing individuals to live and thrive on their own, a stark contrast to previous eras where dependence on a partner was often a necessity. 
  • The conversation highlights the evolving societal expectations for women, challenging traditional gender roles and the notion that marriage and motherhood are the sole paths to happiness, with Candace Bushnell advocating for individual choice and questioning societal norms since childhood. 
  • Candace Bushnell identifies with Carrie Bradshaw as her alter ego, explaining the origin of the name and her significant contribution to the early voice and tone of "Sex and the City." 
  • Bushnell's personal evolution has led her to desire being the independent "Mr. Big" figure rather than marrying him, reflecting a shift in her own life goals and aspirations. 
  • While not feeling a direct connection to the characters in "And Just Like That," Bushnell expresses admiration for Sarah Jessica Parker's work ethic and mothering skills, and notes a past closer connection to Kim Cattrall through Darren Star. 

Segments

The Writer’s Discipline
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(00:00:55)
  • Key Takeaway: Writing a novel demands a rigorous daily routine of six hours and ten pages, alongside constant absorption of material, making it a solitary and demanding creative process.
  • Summary: Candace Bushnell outlines her disciplined writing routine, which involves dedicating six hours a day to writing, aiming for ten pages, and continuously absorbing creative works for inspiration. This intense focus means she significantly limits social outings when actively working on a book, which can take up to two years to complete including editing.
The Subjectivity of Art
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(00:03:22)
  • Key Takeaway: The reception of written work is highly subjective, as readers project their own histories and biases onto novels, unlike visual media which can foster a more universal viewpoint.
  • Summary: Bushnell notes that readers often bring their personal histories, neuroses, and prejudices to her books, leading to interpretations that differ from her intended absurdist perspective on life. She contrasts this with television and film, where a shared viewing experience can lead to more unified audience reactions.
Talent vs. Discipline
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(00:07:46)
  • Key Takeaway: While innate talent or an ‘X factor’ is crucial for connecting with an audience, the discipline and unwavering passion to create are essential for pursuing a career in writing or any artistic field.
  • Summary: The discussion explores the balance between natural talent and disciplined practice in creative professions. Bushnell suggests that an ‘X factor’ draws audiences, similar to influencers or movie stars, but this must be coupled with an innate passion so strong that one feels compelled to create, otherwise, success is unlikely.
Societal Shifts in Independence
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(00:12:18)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: Candace Bushnell highlights the profound shift towards independence, especially for women, enabled by societal and technological advancements. This allows for self-sufficiency, contrasting sharply with the 1950s when living alone was far less feasible. This trend is seen as a natural evolution where people embrace possibilities as they become available.
The Future of Relationships
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(00:16:04)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: The conversation speculates on a future with fewer people, potentially influenced by technology and AI, leading to scenarios like robot companions. The constant stimulation from digital devices means that human connections must offer significant value to be desired, as people are often exhausted by overstimulation by the end of the day.
Challenging Traditional Gender Roles
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(00:18:08)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: Bushnell argues that the traditional path of marriage and children is not universally fulfilling, citing that it never worked well for most women and now, with increased opportunities, women can opt out of these structures. The rise of social media has empowered women to share their less-than-ideal experiences with motherhood and relationships, breaking a long-held silence.
Feminism and Early Sexism Awareness
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(00:19:08)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: Bushnell recounts her early awareness of sexism, stemming from childhood experiences where women were assigned very specific, limited career paths. This early exposure to restrictive gender roles instilled in her a lifelong tendency to question and challenge societal norms and expectations for women.
The Reality of Relationships
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(00:21:36)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: Bushnell expresses skepticism about offering universal relationship advice, noting that the idealized fantasy of a relationship often differs from the reality. She believes that a substantial number of women find heterosexual relationships unfulfilling, and this perspective is now more visible as women use social media to share their experiences.
Financial Independence for Women
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(00:31:41)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: The discussion reveals that a disproportionately small percentage of the wealthiest individuals are women who have earned their own money, with most wealth concentrated among men. This disparity is partly attributed to women receiving a significantly smaller share of venture capital funding, impacting their financial independence.
Navigating Sexism in Professional Settings
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(00:35:33)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: Bushnell shares her strategy for dealing with sexism in professional environments, which involves entering spaces without acknowledging or reacting to gender dynamics, thereby not giving them power. She recognizes that men often hold top positions but emphasizes the importance of continuing to push for greater female representation and opportunity.
Sexuality After 50
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(00:37:41)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: Bushnell discusses the reactions to her article on dating over 60, noting that some found it depressing, while she saw it as a factual account. She observes that older men can display sexism, like controlling the ordering process at a restaurant, which she attributes to the societal norms of their formative years.
Dating Protocol Debates
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(00:43:09)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: The podcast touches on the contentious issue of who pays on a first date, a topic amplified by social media. Bushnell’s stance is that the individual with more financial resources should cover the cost, expressing a personal preference for financial independence while remaining open to being treated.
Age Gaps in Relationships
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(00:47:46)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: The conversation addresses the cultural double standard regarding age gaps in relationships, where older men with younger women are more accepted than the reverse. Bushnell suggests that women should feel empowered to date younger men and take on the financial role, challenging traditional gendered expectations.
The One-Woman Show
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(00:54:25)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: Bushnell explains the genesis of her one-woman show, which began as a suggestion during the pandemic and evolved with the help of a Broadway director. She discovered an unexpected comfort and confidence on stage, and the show has been met with widespread acclaim and enthusiastic audience reception.
Marriage and Emotional Readiness
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(01:06:13)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: The discussion emphasizes that a strong marriage depends on individuals being emotionally mature and psychologically stable, focusing on contributing to the relationship rather than solely receiving. It’s suggested that past traumas or difficult upbringings can lead to ego-centric behaviors that impede a person’s capacity for a healthy partnership.
Character Archetypes
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(01:07:50)
  • Key Takeaway: None
  • Summary: Bushnell reveals her personal connection to Carrie Bradshaw, considering her an alter ego during the ‘Sex and the City’ period, a theme she discusses in her one-woman show. She acknowledges the evolution of these characters and their storylines in the subsequent series, ‘And Just Like That…’
Relationship Dynamics & Personal Growth
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(01:06:44)
  • Key Takeaway: Successful relationships require individuals to be well-rounded and prioritize giving over taking, with personal growth being essential for navigating relationship challenges.
  • Summary: Making relationships work necessitates being a fully well-rounded individual. Personal growth is crucial for overcoming challenges, as relationships thrive on mutual giving rather than taking. Past experiences, including difficult childhoods, can impact an individual’s ability to prioritize a partner over their ego.
Carrie Bradshaw’s Origin Story
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(01:07:50)
  • Key Takeaway: Candace Bushnell created the character Carrie Bradshaw as her alter ego, inspired by a moment of panic and a brick wall view, with the first “Sex and the City” pilot heavily drawing from her book.
  • Summary: Candace Bushnell reveals that Carrie Bradshaw was her alter ego, conceived during a moment of creative pressure while looking at a brick wall. The initial pilot of “Sex and the City” incorporated approximately 90% of its lines directly from Bushnell’s book, establishing Carrie’s voice as her own.
Personal Aspirations vs. Fictional Roles
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(01:09:20)
  • Key Takeaway: Bushnell’s personal aspiration is to embody the independent, powerful “Mr. Big” figure rather than marry him, a sentiment she shares with audiences and which contrasts with Carrie Bradshaw’s fictional trajectory.
  • Summary: Candace Bushnell expresses a personal desire to be the independent, financially capable “Mr. Big” figure, rather than marrying him. This aspiration is a key message she conveys in her one-woman show. This personal goal diverges from Carrie Bradshaw’s fictional narrative of marrying Mr. Big and becoming a wealthy widow.
Connections with “Sex and the City” Cast
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(01:10:45)
  • Key Takeaway: Bushnell maintains a respectful distance from the “Sex and the City” actresses, with her closest interactions occurring at industry events, though she notes a past connection to Kim Cattrall through Darren Star.
  • Summary: Candace Bushnell does not consider herself close to any of the “Sex and the City” actresses, interacting with them primarily at parties. She had a closer professional relationship with Darren Star, which led to more frequent interactions with Kim Cattrall. Bushnell also expresses admiration for Sarah Jessica Parker’s dedication as an actress and mother.
Recent Literary Recommendation
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(01:11:53)
  • Key Takeaway: Molly Jong Fast’s “How to Lose Your Mother” is recommended for its honest portrayal of a complicated mother-daughter relationship and its exploration of the price of fame.
  • Summary: Candace Bushnell highly recommends “How to Lose Your Mother” by Molly Jong Fast. The book is praised for its raw honesty in depicting a complex mother-daughter relationship, particularly in the context of the mother’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis. It also delves into the personal cost associated with fame.