A Rabbi’s Rock Bottom: Addiction, Faith, and Rebuilding After Losing Everything

Key Takeaways Copied to clipboard!

• The concept of being a "wounded healer" requires using past pain to relate to others rather than as an excuse to avoid responsibility.  Copied to clipboard!
• Paradoxically, planning suicide while waiting for a life insurance policy to mature provided the guest the courage to rebuild his life through sobriety and community.  Copied to clipboard!
• True healing and connection stem from being unconditionally seen, heard, and accepted by others, which is often absent in digital interactions like social media.  Copied to clipboard!

Segments Expand All Collapse All

Wounded Healer Responsibility

Copied to clipboard!

(00:00:00)

• Key Takeaway: Wounded healers must use their experience to relate to others, not to obfuscate responsibility for acting out.
• Summary: The guest acknowledges still struggling but possessing more tools, leading to less frequent struggle. He emphasizes that being a wounded healer is not an excuse for misbehavior. This vulnerability should be used to connect with others, not to avoid accountability.

Sponsor Introduction and Crisis

Copied to clipboard!

(00:01:14)

• Key Takeaway: The guest’s journey involved losing a multi-million dollar business and planning suicide due to a deep sense of unworthiness.
• Summary: The host introduces Asher Gottesman, highlighting his background as a rabbi, entrepreneur, and recovery coach. The guest’s rock bottom included losing his business and planning suicide, which he had to postpone for two years due to a life insurance policy’s contestability clause. His story is framed around rebuilding through accountability, community, and unconditional love.

Childhood Loneliness and Pressure

Copied to clipboard!

(00:02:08)

• Key Takeaway: Early separation anxiety, stemming from being the youngest child whose older siblings left early, fueled a lifelong sense of loneliness.
• Summary: The guest felt like a mistake because he was born significantly later than his siblings, leading to profound loneliness after his sister married at age five. Being the rabbi’s son also created pressure to be different from peers, preventing him from feeling like a regular kid. He initially felt his emotional pain (loneliness/abandonment) was less valid than physical abuse until realizing pain is subjective and not directly correlated to pain inflicted.

Faith, Fear, and God

Copied to clipboard!

(00:06:04)

• Key Takeaway: The guest’s early relationship with God was based on fear (‘yira’ defined as fear) rather than awe, leading to resentment toward religion.
• Summary: The guest resented faith due to a fear-based religion where transgressions resulted in anticipated punishment. He contrasts this with the true meaning of ‘yira’ as ‘awe’—respect and guidance—rather than fear. He felt God was mean and transactional, leading him to develop a personal, constant dialogue with a higher power for direction he wasn’t receiving elsewhere.

Divine Nudges and Rock Bottom

Copied to clipboard!

(00:08:02)

• Key Takeaway: Life events that seem like massive kicks in the ass are often divine nudges that escalate when initial, gentler guidance is ignored.
• Summary: The guest views his entire life trajectory as a series of nudges from God intended to guide him to his proper path. When these nudges are ignored, the consequence escalates into a ‘swift, massive kick in the ass’ to force realignment. This process is not punishment but a necessary intervention for those who won’t wake up otherwise.

Turning Point to Sobriety

Copied to clipboard!

(00:09:09)

• Key Takeaway: The turning point for sobriety came from recognizing the similarity in the desire to die between himself and those in a low-bottom AA meeting.
• Summary: From age eight until 33, the guest used substances, food, and dishonesty as solutions to the core belief that he was unlovable. His therapist identified his drug and drinking problems, leading him to an AA meeting focused on heroin users, which initially alienated him. The realization that he shared the same desire for death as the others, despite his wealth, became his sobriety turning point on March 19, 2008.

Unconditional Acceptance in Community

Copied to clipboard!

(00:12:50)

• Key Takeaway: The recovery community provided the first environment where the guest felt truly at home because no one cared about his past status, wealth, or religion.
• Summary: The guest felt comfortable in the recovery setting, even though it resembled a jail institution, because he finally felt seen and accepted. This community was the first place where his father’s identity or financial status was irrelevant. He learned not to compare his problems to others, realizing that an $800 tax bill could be as significant to someone else as a $12 million judgment was to him.

First Experience of Unconditional Love

Copied to clipboard!

(00:13:36)

• Key Takeaway: Genuine, regular love was first experienced at age 14 when a religious host treated him without judgment despite his non-observant appearance.
• Summary: At 14, while roaming Israel, the guest was invited to Shabbat dinner by his brother-in-law at Rabbi Sheiner’s house. Despite his ‘crumpled jeans and t-shirt,’ the host treated him like one of his own grandchildren, offering transparent, regular love that looked past his exterior. This experience of being seen for his soul, not his appearance, was unprecedented for the guest.

Suicide as a Back Pocket Option

Copied to clipboard!

(00:15:58)

• Key Takeaway: Having the option of suicide ‘in the back pocket’ provided the necessary courage to endure the collapse of his business and bankruptcy.
• Summary: The guest credits the two-year waiting period on his life insurance policy for giving him the courage to navigate bankruptcy and business failure. He advises those struggling with suicidal ideation to keep the thought available but explore alternatives first, as sharing the thought reduces loneliness. The key is to use the thought as a motivator to find a temporary solution rather than a permanent one.

Judaism: Responsibility Over Fear

Copied to clipboard!

(00:18:19)

• Key Takeaway: Judaism provides a framework centered on responsibility, kindness, and making amends between people, which is essential for spiritual progress.
• Summary: The guest finds beauty in Judaism because it affirms that all people can achieve spiritual reward by adhering to the Seven Noahide Laws. A core tenet is that God forgives sins between man and God, but sins against another human require making amends, often through ’living amends’ (changing future behavior). This framework emphasizes cleaning up one’s side of the street before seeking divine forgiveness.

Kindness vs. Foolishness in Action

Copied to clipboard!

(00:22:10)

• Key Takeaway: Jewish tradition mandates kindness and responsibility, but it does not require turning the cheek or allowing self-harm, as evidenced by the command to defend oneself.
• Summary: While kindness is paramount, the tradition includes commandments like killing an attacker first to protect life, meaning one should not be foolish. When pursuing debts, one should be kind initially (sending a letter) but must follow through with legal action if necessary. However, after securing the debt, one should not besmirch the debtor’s name, as letting go of the grievance prevents them from occupying one’s mind.

Transcend Culture and Parental Advice

Copied to clipboard!

(00:24:18)

• Key Takeaway: Transcend Recovery’s core difference is creating a non-judgmental community where individuals feel seen and heard to continue their recovery work.
• Summary: For parents whose children experiment with drugs, the guest advises focusing on creating an environment where the child feels safe enough to be honest, as forcing abstinence fails. When sending adolescents to treatment, parents must also change, taking accountability and showing vulnerability so the child sees change in the family system upon returning.

Judaism’s Tenets in Recovery

Copied to clipboard!

(00:27:18)

• Key Takeaway: The guest’s Judaism manifests in his work through the driving principles of kindness (‘chesed’) and accountability, balanced by the need for self-preservation.
• Summary: The guest’s rabbinical training translates into prioritizing kindness (‘chesed’) while simultaneously avoiding foolishness, meaning he acts on messages received rather than waiting passively. He notes that while Jewish clients may critique his lack of rabbinical formality, non-Jewish clients appreciate the spiritual framework he provides. He acknowledges that even good religious leaders are human and can mess up opportunities to show love.

Advice for Twenties Self

Copied to clipboard!

(00:37:32)

• Key Takeaway: The most crucial realization for the 20s is that one does not need to achieve anything to be inherently worthy of love, a concept that must be internalized.
• Summary: The guest wishes he had grasped earlier that worthiness of love is inherent upon waking up, regardless of behavior or performance. While behaviors dictate next steps, one should not start the day feeling already behind or unlovable. This realization combats the anxiety that often makes individuals feel they are starting the day ‘down by 10 in the fourth quarter.’

Relapse and Staying Sober

Copied to clipboard!

(00:39:56)

• Key Takeaway: Relapse is not a total failure; it is only a failure if one gives up, and the focus must be on how quickly one gets back up using established tools.
• Summary: Life in recovery is not linear, and a relapse does not negate prior sobriety achievements. The key is learning from the experience, as failure only occurs if one stops trying. Personally, the guest stays sober by praying daily, studying Torah, attending meetings, and striving to be a good person.

Fighting Digital Loneliness

Copied to clipboard!

(00:41:07)

• Key Takeaway: Genuine connection requires allowing someone to see your secrets without judgment, a depth that social media technology can never replicate.
• Summary: The antidote to modern loneliness is finding people with whom one can share secrets and internal struggles, receiving kindness in response. The guest believes the 1960s rejection of organized religion failed to provide healthy alternatives, leading people to mistakenly equate social media interaction with true connection. Technology cannot replicate the vulnerability required for authentic human bonding.

Future Vision and Final Thoughts

Copied to clipboard!

(00:44:12)

• Key Takeaway: The guest’s ultimate dream is to move to Israel and dedicate his time to freely showing people in person that they are lovable.
• Summary: The guest plans to transition out of organizational roles after his youngest daughter graduates high school, aiming to live simply in Israel. His goal is to hang a sign offering to see people and let them know they are lovable in real life. If given unlimited resources, he would first build a system to end global famine.