Top Conflict Coach Shares the Key to Staying Cool Under Attack

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• The key to handling high-stress conflict is regulating your nervous system by choosing to "observe, don't absorb" what is being said to you.  Copied to clipboard!
• When responding in conflict, let your breath be the first word you say to ensure you are regulated, in control, and choosing your words intentionally.  Copied to clipboard!
• To maintain control and clarity in high-stakes conversations, use fewer words, keep answers short and concise, and only answer the specific question asked.  Copied to clipboard!

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Conflict Key: Observe Not Absorb

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(00:00:30)

• Key Takeaway: Conflict resolution hinges on observing the interaction rather than absorbing the emotional content directed at you.
• Summary: The core strategy for handling high-stress conflict is shifting focus from what you say to what you observe. Absorbing negative input is likened to filling a grocery cart with unwanted items, leading to emotional flooding when you mentally check out. Observing means approaching the conversation at a higher level of consciousness, looking for the intent behind the words.

Breathing and Word Control

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(00:06:38)

• Key Takeaway: Using your breath as the first word spoken regulates your nervous system and signals intentionality in your response.
• Summary: Rule number two for clients is to let your breath be the first word spoken, which demonstrates regulation and control over the pace of the conversation. This practice allows you to choose your words deliberately rather than reacting impulsively. You maintain complete control over when and what you choose to say, which is a freeing realization for many.

Conversational Breath Technique

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(00:09:30)

• Key Takeaway: The conversational breath is based on the physiological sigh: a double inhalation followed by a long exhalation through the nose.
• Summary: The recommended breath technique involves a double inhalation through the nose (two to three seconds each time) followed by a slow exhale through the nose, mimicking a sigh. This technique helps relax the shoulders and slow down neural activity. It should be practiced before answering a question, using a mental beat like “one Mississippi” to create a necessary pause.

Conciseness in Communication

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(00:12:39)

• Key Takeaway: Saying less and keeping answers short and concise minimizes opportunities for miscommunication and prevents opponents from twisting your words.
• Summary: The third rule taught to clients is to use fewer words; shorter answers are stronger and clearer, leaving nothing for an opponent to dissect. Long answers provide unnecessary information, leading to confusion or allowing others to fill in assumptions. In high-stakes situations, condensing your response ensures you only address the question asked, limiting material for others to twist.