The 3 Signs You’re Being Gaslit (And What to Do About It)

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• Gaslighting is a communication pattern where someone distorts your reality to make you question your truth or state of mind, originating from a 1930s story involving a husband dimming a gas light to control his wife.  Copied to clipboard!
• Key internal signs of being gaslit include constantly doubting yourself, feeling the need to write things down for proof, and feeling guilty for pointing out a problem, while external signs involve conversation shifts that move accountability away from the gaslighter (e.g., shifting from their behavior to your reaction or sensitivity).  Copied to clipboard!
• When being gaslit, the most effective immediate response is to state firmly, "I remember things differently" or "That wasn't my experience," without overexplaining or justifying, to stay grounded in your own reality.  Copied to clipboard!

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Episode Introduction and Workbook Launch

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(00:00:31)

• Key Takeaway: The episode will cover three signs of gaslighting, actions to take, and self-recognition of unintentional gaslighting.
• Summary: The host introduces the core topics: identifying the three signs of being gaslit, what actions to take in the moment, and recognizing if one is unintentionally gaslighting others. The Next Conversation Workbook is announced as officially available for pre-sale to provide practical communication exercises. Subscribing and leaving a review are requested to support the mission of improving communication skills.

Defining Gaslighting Origin

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(00:02:36)

• Key Takeaway: Gaslighting is a pattern of distorting reality to make someone question their truth or sanity, historically derived from a 1930s story about a husband manipulating his wife via a gas light.
• Summary: Gaslighting is defined as an attempt to distort another person’s reality, making them doubt their truth or state of mind. The term originates from a 1930s play/movie where a husband repeatedly lowered a gas light, convincing his wife she was ‘crazy’ when she noticed the change. This tactic serves as a control mechanism, asserting that only the gaslighter’s perception is the truth.

Intentional vs. Unintentional Gaslighting

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(00:04:11)

• Key Takeaway: Gaslighting can be conscious or unconscious, often involving distracting someone from an issue to avoid personal trouble, which differs from a simple lie because it is typically a pattern.
• Summary: Gaslighting can occur both intentionally and unintentionally; an example of unintentional gaslighting is distracting someone to keep oneself out of trouble, such as denying a cookie was eaten by claiming the cookie never existed. This behavior is characterized as a pattern aimed at securing the gaslighter’s position while making the other person feel like an inconvenience or the problem. Healthy conversation should not make the person pointing out the issue feel like the problem.

Internal Signs of Being Gaslit

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(00:06:11)

• Key Takeaway: Internal red flags include leaving conversations confused, constantly questioning if you are the problem, and feeling the need to document events immediately because you distrust your own memory.
• Summary: Internal factors signaling gaslighting include consistently leaving conversations confused and doubting your own sanity or memory (‘Is it me? Am I crazy?’). A major indicator is the compulsion to write things down immediately after an interaction to have proof because self-trust is eroded. Feeling guilty or like an inconvenience for pointing out a problem, where the focus shifts to you being the issue, is also a high-risk factor.

External Conversation Shifts Indicating Gaslighting

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(00:08:19)

• Key Takeaway: External signs involve conversation shifts, such as flipping the table from discussing impact to defending intention, or shifting focus from the speaker’s behavior to the listener’s tone or reaction.
• Summary: External factors often manifest as conversation shifts, such as flipping the table from discussing the impact of an action to defending the actor’s intention, thereby dismissing the other person’s feelings. Another common shift moves accountability away from the speaker’s behavior and onto the listener’s tone or reaction, suggesting the listener is the problem for reacting poorly. When these shifts occur, trusting your gut feeling that something is off is crucial.

Accountability to Sensitivity Shift

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(00:11:19)

• Key Takeaway: When accountability for behavior is met with accusations of being ’too sensitive,’ it forces self-doubt, preying on naturally insecure and self-reflective personalities.
• Summary: A significant shift occurs when the person being held accountable deflects by claiming the other party is too sensitive, cannot take a joke, or is irrational. This tactic centers the conversation back onto the victim’s perceived flaws, exploiting those who tend to overthink or be highly self-reflective. Gaslighters often target these personality crevices because they make the victim more susceptible to self-doubt.

Behavior to Reaction Shift

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(00:12:33)

• Key Takeaway: Gaslighting reverses cause and effect by claiming the victim’s reaction stimulated the perpetrator’s negative behavior, which is an illogical thinking pattern.
• Summary: The final shift discussed moves the focus entirely from the perpetrator’s behavior to the victim’s reaction, suggesting the negative action would not have occurred had the victim not reacted a certain way. This is illogical thinking, as it reverses cause and effect, making the victim’s response the cause of the perpetrator’s action. This illogical framework ultimately harms the person being gaslit.

Tools for Staying Grounded

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(00:13:29)

• Key Takeaway: To counter gaslighting, use the firm, non-elliptical statement, “I remember things differently” or “That wasn’t my experience,” to avoid overexplaining.
• Summary: When facing gaslighting, use the phrase, “I remember things differently,” and stick to it without trailing off or overexplaining, as justification exposes areas for the gaslighter to exploit. If that phrase is difficult, use, “That wasn’t my experience,” and stop talking, avoiding the trap of over-explaining which can lead to being called draining or crazy. Words like ‘insane,’ ‘unreasonable,’ or ‘crazy’ directed at your perception are major red flags.

Recognizing If You Are Gaslighting

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(00:17:28)

• Key Takeaway: If you consistently walk away from conversations as the victor where only your truth is accepted, you are likely engaging in gaslighting behavior.
• Summary: If you must walk away from every conversation feeling like the victor, where you are completely sure and the other person is confused or apologetic, you may be gaslighting. This pattern involves never being part of the problem, never needing to apologize, and labeling the other person’s input as irrational or crazy. Recognizing this allows you to unwind the behavior by opening your mind to the other side’s experience.