Science Vs

Is Your Relationship … OK?

February 12, 2026

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  • The strength of a lasting relationship is predicted more by how well partners repair after conflict than by avoiding conflict entirely. 
  • A 'good fight' focuses on solving a shared problem as a team and being curious about the partner's needs, rather than trying to prove who is right. 
  • In the context of abusive relationships, 'red flags' are patterns of coercive control—such as isolation and subtle direction over choices—which are often more detrimental than discrete acts of physical violence. 

Segments

Science of Healthy Fighting
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(00:00:00)
  • Key Takeaway: The strongest predictor of a lasting relationship is how well couples repair after conflict, not conflict avoidance.
  • Summary: Psychologists suggest relationship success hinges on post-conflict repair mechanisms. A good fight involves viewing the issue as a team problem to solve together. Asking curious questions pulls a partner into the discussion, whereas leading questions shut down dialogue.
Predicting Divorce Accuracy
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(00:11:00)
  • Key Takeaway: The claim that researchers can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy just by watching a couple fight is scientifically weak and often misinterpreted.
  • Summary: Research on communication style does not consistently predict relationship satisfaction over time. Some happy couples who fight poorly manage by avoiding conflict on specific topics, like politics or finances. Financial stress significantly raises the stakes of unavoidable conflicts, correlating with higher divorce rates.
Identifying Relationship Red Flags
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(00:15:39)
  • Key Takeaway: Scientific red flags indicate controlling behavior that risks mental and physical health, differing from minor quirks or ‘icks’.
  • Summary: Controlling behavior includes dictating what a partner wears or who they see, which can escalate over time. Early signs often involve ’love bombing’ and rapid relationship progression, leading to isolation from friends and family. The focus should be on how a behavior makes you feel, not the partner’s intention behind it.
Changing Abusive Partners
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(00:30:03)
  • Key Takeaway: While some intervention programs show promise, a partner must accept responsibility and genuinely want to change for improvement to occur.
  • Summary: Traditional models for changing men who use coercive control have yielded mixed results, with some being ‘jolly ineffectual.’ Growing up in a violent home is a significant risk factor, teaching that love and violence can coexist. If a relationship feels unsafe, victims should not wait for the partner to change, even if childhood trauma is a known factor.