The Mel Robbins Podcast

How to Have Better Sex: Your Guide to Romance, Intimacy, & Love From the #1 Sex Professor

February 12, 2026

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  • Prioritizing pleasure shifts the mindset from viewing sex as a chore to an essential component of overall well-being, boosting ego resilience and cognitive function. 
  • Only 18% of women can achieve orgasm from penetrative sex alone, highlighting the critical, often misunderstood, role of clitoral stimulation. 
  • A sexual growth mindset, which embraces experimentation and communication, is more predictive of sexual satisfaction than any innate skill set. 
  • The entire female orgasm, regardless of stimulation method (external, penetrative, or fantasy), involves the pulsing of the clitoris, which is connected internally via the clitorethral vaginal complex. 
  • Sexual pain during menopause due to dryness or atrophy should not be suffered through, as treatments like HRT, estrogen creams, and adequate lubrication can effectively address these issues. 
  • Rebuilding desire and intimacy, especially when exhausted or single, relies on developing sexual mindfulness, practicing gratitude for partners, and clearly communicating one's sexual needs and desired context (e.g., casual vs. committed). 

Segments

Introduction to Better Sex
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(00:00:00)
  • Key Takeaway: The episode promises to flip typical sex advice by focusing on the listener’s pleasure, not just their partner’s.
  • Summary: Mel Robbins introduces the episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, ‘How to Have Better Sex: Your Guide to Romance, Intimacy, & Love From the #1 Sex Professor,’ asking listeners if they want better sex and promising to teach them how, focusing on personal pleasure.
Guest Introduction and Focus
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(00:03:41)
  • Key Takeaway: The guest, Dr. Nicole McNichols, is the #1 sex professor who teaches science-backed wisdom on reinventing one’s sex life at any age.
  • Summary: Mel welcomes Dr. Nicole McNichols, a popular University of Washington professor, whose book is titled ‘You Could Be Having Better Sex.’ The discussion is framed as a candid, grown-up conversation about sex, intimacy, and pleasure.
Benefits of a Great Sex Life
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(00:08:27)
  • Key Takeaway: Prioritizing pleasure through sex is essential, leading to physical health benefits and increased ’ego resilience’ (resiliency) that helps in all areas of life.
  • Summary: Dr. McNichols explains that sex should be prioritized, not treated as a treat. Satisfying sex improves physical health (cardiovascular, brain protection) and builds ego resilience, leading to better cognitive function and social support.
Sex Life Improving Relationships
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(00:10:25)
  • Key Takeaway: Improving sexual satisfaction directly leads to higher relationship satisfaction later on, suggesting working on sex life benefits the relationship.
  • Summary: Research shows that while sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction are correlated, improving sex life is a predictor of later relationship satisfaction, emphasizing its powerful role in relationships.
Sex as a Learnable Skill
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(00:15:40)
  • Key Takeaway: Sex is a skill that requires experimentation and a ‘sexual growth mindset,’ as likes and turn-ons evolve over a lifetime.
  • Summary: Dr. McNichols emphasizes that sexual likes are learned through experimentation, not innate knowledge. A sexual growth mindset means embracing trial and error, communication, and accepting that sex is a skill that can improve.
Misconception: Needing to be Turned On First
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(00:19:42)
  • Key Takeaway: For many, especially women in long-term relationships, desire kicks in after physical intimacy begins, challenging the idea that one must be wildly turned on beforehand.
  • Summary: The biggest misconception is believing an amazing sexual experience requires immediate, intense arousal. Dr. McNichols notes that desire can be responsive, starting after touching begins, and encourages trying non-sexual touch first to build connection.
The Importance of Non-Sexual Touch
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(00:21:34)
  • Key Takeaway: Regular non-sexual touch, like hugging for 90 seconds daily, builds connection and naturally leads to increased desire, counteracting the feeling of obligation when touch occurs.
  • Summary: To combat recoiling from touch due to fatigue, couples should normalize non-sexual physical connection (cuddling, hugging) to build intimacy and reduce the pressure associated with physical contact.
Fact: Clitoral Stimulation for Orgasm
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(00:26:28)
  • Key Takeaway: Only 18% of women can orgasm from penetrative sex alone; the vast majority require direct or indirect clitoral stimulation.
  • Summary: Dr. McNichols shares the critical statistic that only 18% of women orgasm from penetration alone, normalizing the need for clitoral stimulation and explaining why many women fake orgasms.
Clitoris Mapping and Myth Busting
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(00:28:49)
  • Key Takeaway: The full structure of the clitoris was only mapped in 2005 because female pleasure was historically ignored; myths about genital appearance cause insecurity.
  • Summary: The discussion covers the myth that genitals must look a certain way. Dr. McNichols also addresses penis size myths, stating the average erect size is 5.5 inches and that size does not determine the ability to pleasure a partner.
Myth: Orgasm Speed and Faking
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(00:35:21)
  • Key Takeaway: It is normal for women to take 10-15 minutes to orgasm during partnered sex, and faking orgasms stems from performance pressure and a desire to protect a partner’s feelings.
  • Summary: Dr. McNichols notes the average female orgasm time is 10-15 minutes during intercourse, compared to 5 minutes for men. Masturbation speed is similar (4-5 minutes) for both, highlighting the inefficiency of intercourse alone for female pleasure.
Communication to Overcome Faking
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(00:39:39)
  • Key Takeaway: The key to pleasurable sex is communication, using guiding phrases, and self-exploration (masturbation) to learn what one enjoys before involving a partner.
  • Summary: To stop faking orgasms, individuals must learn their own pleasure points through self-exploration and then use honest communication with their partner, framing the conversation positively around mutual pleasure.
Micro-Novelty in Relationships
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(00:44:23)
  • Key Takeaway: Introducing small forms of novelty (micro-novelty) at least 12 times a year significantly increases sexual satisfaction without needing drastic changes like whips or paddles.
  • Summary: Novelty is crucial, but micro-novelty (trying new techniques, saying ‘I love you’ during sex, changing the time of day) is accessible. Blindfolds are suggested as a micro-novelty that heightens other sensations.
Anatomy of the Clitoris
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(01:03:53)
  • Key Takeaway: The clitoris has extensive internal structures (crura and vestibular bulbs) that extend deep inside the body and swell during arousal, meaning penetration can stimulate these internal parts.
  • Summary: Dr. McNichols uses a plushie model to show the external and internal anatomy of the clitoris. The internal structures wrap around the vagina, and stimulating the upper wall 2-3 inches inside can stimulate these internal components.
Internal Clitoral Anatomy Revealed
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(01:09:18)
  • Key Takeaway: The clitoris has extensive internal structures (crura and vestibular bulbs) that swell inside the body.
  • Summary: The discussion details the external and internal wishbone structures of the clitoris, noting they extend six to eight inches internally and fill with blood during arousal. This explains how penetration can stimulate clitoral structures.
Stimulating Internal Clitoral Structures
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(01:10:11)
  • Key Takeaway: Penetrative stimulation two to three inches inside the vagina hits the internal clitoral structures.
  • Summary: The expert explains that stimulating the upper wall two to three inches inside the vagina stimulates the internal parts of the clitoris, which swell inward, wrapping around the vagina.
Anatomy and Penis Size Misconceptions
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(01:11:08)
  • Key Takeaway: A large penis is unnecessary for stimulating the internal clitoral nerve endings located just two to three inches inside.
  • Summary: The most common question about clitoral stimulation is penis size. The expert clarifies that the sensitive area is very close to the entrance, debunking the need for ’enormous porn-sized tools.'
The ‘Spider-Man Technique’ and G-Spot
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(01:12:13)
  • Key Takeaway: The G-spot area is located just two to three inches inside and is stimulated by a ‘come hither’ motion.
  • Summary: The host describes the technique of stimulating the upper wall with two fingers (the ‘Spider-Man technique’). This area, often called the G-spot, has a texture closer to a walnut than smooth tissue.
All Orgasms Are Clitoral
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(01:13:18)
  • Key Takeaway: Orgasm from internal stimulation is still a clitoral orgasm, stimulating the clitorethral vaginal complex.
  • Summary: The segment critiques Freud’s historical view that vaginal orgasms were superior. The expert confirms that whether stimulated externally or internally, the pulsing during orgasm involves the clitoris.
Pelvic Floor and Orgasm Mechanics
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(01:16:04)
  • Key Takeaway: All types of orgasms involve the same muscle contractions, particularly the pelvic floor (pubococcygeus muscle).
  • Summary: MRI studies show that external, internal, or fantasy-induced orgasms involve the same sequence of contractions in the orgasmic platform, including the pelvic floor, which can be strengthened via Kegel exercises.
Menopause Pain and Hormonal Solutions
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(01:19:04)
  • Key Takeaway: Pain, dryness, and burning during sex post-menopause are common due to declining estrogen, but treatments like HRT and estrogen creams are highly effective.
  • Summary: Addressing a listener’s pain during sex, the expert confirms it sounds like menopause. She advocates for hormone therapy and using high-quality lubricants, emphasizing that sex should never be painful.
Desire Tied to Relationship Support
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(01:22:16)
  • Key Takeaway: Stress, exhaustion, and feeling unappreciated are major libido killers; partner support and expressing gratitude are key aphrodisiacs.
  • Summary: The expert discusses how emotional labor and lack of appreciation can lower desire as much as hormones. Recognizing and appreciating a partner’s efforts is crucial for feeling seen and turning on desire.
Navigating Casual Sex and Motivation
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(01:27:36)
  • Key Takeaway: Positive casual sex is predicted by motivation (seeking excitement) rather than doing it hoping for commitment.
  • Summary: The expert normalizes anxiety around casual sex and hookup culture. She advises people to be clear about their motivation and to ask themselves if they genuinely want ‘just for fun’ before engaging.
Body Image and Sexual Mindfulness
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(01:40:19)
  • Key Takeaway: The antidote to body image anxiety during sex is practicing sexual mindfulness: focusing on breath and sensation, not self-judgment.
  • Summary: Body image issues pull people out of their heads. The solution is sexual mindfulness, focusing on sensations and ignoring critical thoughts, recognizing that partners are focused on pleasure, not flaws.