The Viall Files

E1094 Ask Nick - I Like My Coworker… But I'm HR

March 16, 2026

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  • When pursuing a workplace crush, especially when one is in HR, the caller should be open to making the first move outside of work, as outdated gender roles may prevent a shy coworker from risking his job by initiating. 
  • Anxious feelings in a new relationship, particularly when the partner seems more invested, can stem from the pressure to meet perceived expectations rather than evaluating one's own feelings. 
  • High standards in dating require patience, and the caller struggling with dating apps should lower expectations and avoid wasting energy arguing with strangers who are likely not serious about finding a committed relationship. 
  • Stop overanalyzing feedback from strangers, especially men met in dating situations, as their responses are often designed to be inoffensive rather than truthful. 
  • Trust your instincts and practice patience in dating, avoiding the trap of constantly critiquing yourself or second-guessing decisions. 
  • A 23-year-old should prioritize enjoying their early twenties, being intentional and positive, rather than being overly pressed about finding 'the one' immediately. 

Segments

HR Coworker Crush Dilemma
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(00:01:47)
  • Key Takeaway: Workplace romance policies often permit relationships unless a direct reporting structure exists, making the HR role less of an automatic barrier.
  • Summary: The caller, who works in HR, is concerned about pursuing a coworker crush due to company policies. Nick points out that most corporate policies only prohibit relationships involving a direct reporting structure. The caller confirmed she has no influence over the coworker’s performance reviews, suggesting the policy might not be an absolute prohibition.
Navigating First Moves at Work
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(00:09:39)
  • Key Takeaway: In modern dating, women should feel empowered to make the first move, even in professional settings, as relying solely on traditional gender roles can hinder opportunities.
  • Summary: The caller is hesitant to ask her coworker out, fearing it violates norms or scares him off, especially since she is in HR. Nick advises that outdated gender roles should not prevent her from initiating, suggesting a casual invitation outside of work. He emphasizes that taking the lead in this instance does not dictate future leadership roles within a potential relationship.
Lack of Excitement in New Relationship
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(00:22:50)
  • Key Takeaway: Feeling relieved when a new, seemingly compatible partner leaves, or feeling anxious about their calls, suggests pressure from perceived expectations rather than genuine excitement.
  • Summary: The second caller is dating a stable, checklist-friendly man but feels anxious and relieved when he leaves, contrasting with past relationships where she felt giddy excitement. Nick suggests this anxiety stems from feeling pressure to meet his expectations (like writing a heartfelt Valentine’s card) instead of evaluating her own feelings. He notes that compatibility alone cannot replace necessary chemistry or excitement.
Chemistry vs. Compatibility Trade-off
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(00:30:39)
  • Key Takeaway: While compatibility (shared values, lifestyle) is crucial, a complete lack of chemistry or physical attraction is generally not a sustainable compromise for a romantic relationship.
  • Summary: The caller questions if poor kissing chemistry is a necessary compromise when all other compatibility factors align, noting she feels more connected when he is absent. Nick compares this to arranged marriages where emotional bonds grow over time, but acknowledges that in modern dating, some level of initial chemistry or excitement is usually desired. He advises that if she feels relief rather than missing him after a break, the answer is clear.
Dating App Frustrations and High Standards
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(00:40:54)
  • Key Takeaway: Dating apps are designed to maximize user engagement, not successful matches, requiring users with high standards to exercise patience and lower expectations for initial interactions.
  • Summary: The third caller is frustrated by ghosting and arguments on dating apps, feeling her high standards conflict with the app environment. Nick asserts that apps prioritize keeping users engaged rather than finding love, meaning users should expect many low-quality interactions. He advises that high standards necessitate patience and that she should stop seeking validation from profile engagement metrics.
Patience and Connection Practice
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(00:58:15)
  • Key Takeaway: Meeting people requires showing up with welcoming energy, even for introverts, to attract desired connections.
  • Summary: To meet people, one must project a friendly demeanor and welcoming energy into social rooms. This practice helps attract connections, but requires patience to work out over time. The speaker acknowledges that this friendly approach might also attract people one does not wish to engage with.
Addressing Appearance Concerns
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(00:59:07)
  • Key Takeaway: Being perceived as ‘age ambiguous’ due to looking younger and not drinking is likely overanalyzed and not the core dating issue.
  • Summary: The caller questioned if looking younger or not drinking contributed to dating difficulties, suggesting she looks around 23. The host dismissed this as overanalyzing, noting that people often give vague, inoffensive excuses when they don’t want to continue dating someone.
Trusting Gut Over Feedback
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(00:59:58)
  • Key Takeaway: The most important feedback in dating decisions should come from oneself, followed by close friends and family, not strangers online.
  • Summary: One should stop listening to feedback from people they barely know or anyone online regarding dating outcomes. Trusting one’s gut instincts is crucial for navigating dating successfully. Patience is necessary to prevent constant self-critique and second-guessing.
Rethinking App Reliance
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(01:00:27)
  • Key Takeaway: At age 23, it is advisable to stop fully relying on dating apps if they are not working and instead let things happen naturally.
  • Summary: The caller decided to keep the apps but not fully rely on them, shifting focus to letting things happen naturally. The host advised the 23-year-old caller to enjoy her friends and not waste her youth feeling pressed to find the one. Key advice for this age is to be intentional, open, positive, and patient.
Sponsor Advertisements
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(01:01:51)
  • Key Takeaway: Sponsors for this segment included Calci for sports trading, Tommy Bahama for lifestyle/apparel, and previous sponsors Coop, Ritual, Neuro Gum, Article, and ASPCA.
  • Summary: Calci is promoted for trading tournament outcomes and spreads legally in 50 states, offering a $10 bonus for new users using code HART. Tommy Bahama is highlighted for its resort-inspired clothing, artful designs, and island-vibe restaurants and bars. The segment concluded with promotional reads for several other show sponsors.