The Viall Files

E1075 Ask Nick - He's in Japan, I'm DTF

February 9, 2026

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  • Hiding communication from an ex-partner before a wedding, even if unintentional, creates a trust issue that is worse than the initial contact itself. 
  • A caller contemplating a trip to see an old fling mid-divorce should prioritize self-adventure and manage expectations to avoid disappointment, especially when the ex-husband is publicly engaging in questionable behavior. 
  • Emotional regulation involves acknowledging feelings without letting them dictate choices, meaning one is capable of processing emotions rather than being controlled by them. 
  • The caller struggling with divorce and considering a trip to Japan needs to focus on actively processing her loss rather than using a fling as an overreaction or temporary escape. 
  • The caller debating her father walking her down the aisle is advised that she will likely regret *not* including him more than she will regret inviting someone she later distances herself from. 
  • The dynamic with the estranged father is characterized by the caller having high expectations for prioritization, leading to self-inflicted punishment (cutting him off) when those expectations aren't met, mirroring a stubbornness shared by both parties. 

Segments

Ex-Partner Contact Before Wedding
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(00:03:26)
  • Key Takeaway: Hiding contact from a toxic ex-partner, even to avoid a fiancé’s jealousy, creates a bigger issue of dishonesty.
  • Summary: A caller is worried about telling her fiancé that her ex reached out after their engagement because she fears his jealousy will cause an overreaction. Nick advises that the bigger mistake is the delay in communication, as it implies something is being hidden, regardless of the ex’s actions. Transparency is crucial, especially when the fiancé already knows about the toxic history with the ex.
Handling Fiancé’s Jealousy
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(00:07:13)
  • Key Takeaway: A fiancé’s jealousy must be addressed as a relationship issue that requires work, not used as justification for a partner’s lack of honesty.
  • Summary: If a fiancé exhibits jealousy, it is a dynamic that needs to be worked on by both partners within the relationship. The caller should own up to delaying the disclosure, framing it as a fear of his reaction rather than an attempt to cover up wrongdoing. Owning the mistake immediately, rather than fighting or justifying, can often disarm the partner’s frustration.
Ex-Partner Memorabilia Discussion
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(00:20:43)
  • Key Takeaway: Keeping old letters or memorabilia is a recording of one’s life history and should not be automatically discarded unless it indicates unresolved feelings.
  • Summary: Keeping old correspondence, like a letter from a 12-year ex, can be nostalgic and serve as a time capsule of a past life phase that led to the present. Insecure reactions to such items, like forcing a partner to destroy them, can create bigger relationship problems than the item itself. If a partner is overly attached to old memorabilia, that attachment, not the item, is the actual red flag needing investigation.
Flying to Japan Mid-Divorce
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(00:31:37)
  • Key Takeaway: A person in the vulnerable stage of divorce should seek legal advice regarding infidelity claims before prioritizing emotional comfort from an old fling.
  • Summary: A caller is considering flying to Japan to see a fling while legally separated, concerned her ex might use it against her in the divorce proceedings. Nick suggests consulting a lawyer about legal ramifications first, as the ex’s feelings are secondary to financial protection. The caller should frame the trip as a personal adventure rather than solely focusing on the fling to manage expectations.
Managing Divorce Emotions
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(00:45:23)
  • Key Takeaway: Emotional regulation is an active choice where one processes feelings rather than being a victim of them, which is essential for adult functioning.
  • Summary: The caller acknowledges that she is using the connection with the guy in Japan as a distraction from the pain of her divorce, which is a common coping mechanism. She must actively choose to manage her feelings and expectations regarding the fling, recognizing that feelings often lie or lead to delusion if unchecked. If she cannot control her expectations, setting a boundary, like talking to the fling less, might be necessary for self-protection.
Controlling Post-Divorce Feelings
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(00:54:25)
  • Key Takeaway: Hurting an ex due to necessary self-protection in a divorce does not warrant guilt if actions are not motivated by spite or anger.
  • Summary: The caller is reminded that she is capable of controlling her feelings and actions, referencing a past difficult breakup she successfully navigated. If the ex-husband is hurt by the consequences of his own choices, he is responsible for processing that pain, not the caller. The caller is encouraged to live her life and be adventurous post-divorce.
Processing Divorce and Adventure
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(00:56:17)
  • Key Takeaway: A trip to Japan should be treated as a short-term adventure to explore new things, not a commitment to a relationship or an attempt to forget a hurtful time.
  • Summary: The desire to see the guy in Japan suggests the caller has not fully processed her divorce, and this potential relationship might be satisfying a temporary feeling rather than offering sustainability. Seeking therapy is recommended as a useful tool for processing loss, even if initial attempts were unsuccessful. Being open to new, short-term adventures is a healthy mindset during this transition.
Estranged Father’s Wedding Role
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(01:03:44)
  • Key Takeaway: The caller’s conflict with her father stems from feeling emotionally neglected when he prioritizes his new wife’s boundaries over established family traditions.
  • Summary: The caller cuts off her father due to recurring instances where his boundaries, often related to his new wife (like holiday scheduling or COVID rules), supersede her needs. Her father’s immediate focus on the wedding upon reconnecting, bypassing discussion of their estrangement, was jarring. The caller feels her brother’s upset about her father walking her down the aisle is rooted in feeling left out of the wedding roles.
Regret vs. Petty Family Drama
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(01:11:42)
  • Key Takeaway: The caller is likely to regret not having her father walk her down the aisle, regardless of future relationship issues, more than she will regret inviting him.
  • Summary: The hypothetical scenario of the father’s death suggests the caller would regret missing the opportunity to have him participate in the ceremony. The current conflict is framed as petty family drama where the caller punishes her father for his shortcomings by cutting him off, which is futile if he is unaware of the depth of her disappointment. Lowering expectations for emotional reciprocity from the father is advised, as surface-level contact is better than complete estrangement.
Finalizing Wedding Roles
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(01:22:34)
  • Key Takeaway: The caller should prioritize her own happiness for the wedding day and can honor her brother by giving him a meaningful role, such as a speech, instead of walking her down the aisle.
  • Summary: The caller should proceed with the decision that minimizes future regret, which points toward having her father walk her down the aisle. She can mitigate her brother’s feelings of exclusion by asking him to give a meaningful speech in lieu of the father’s role. Ultimately, the wedding day is about the bride’s happiness, and family members need to align with that decision.