We Can Do Hard Things

Menopause: W.T.F?!?! (Stay till the end for a surprise guest!)

October 28, 2025

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  • The experience of perimenopause is characterized by a chaotic array of physical and mental symptoms—including 'beehive brain,' fire-ant itching, and night sweats—for which medical professionals often provide inadequate information or dismissive advice. 
  • The lack of standardized, accessible medical education regarding menopause is a structural failure, evidenced by the fact that 60% of women seek information from each other rather than their doctors, and only one-third of OB/GYN residency programs have standardized menopause training. 
  • The cultural dismissal of menopausal suffering, contrasting sharply with the accommodation given to male aging issues (like erectile dysfunction), reveals a deep societal devaluation of women's health during this significant life transition. 

Segments

Perimenopause Physical Onset
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(00:00:13)
  • Key Takeaway: Perimenopause symptoms are immediately overwhelming, affecting mind, body, and relationships, often leading to frustration when medical professionals suggest simple supplements.
  • Summary: The speaker describes perimenopause as feeling like their entire life is ‘on fire,’ leading to intense frustration with medical advice that suggests simple supplements instead of addressing the severity of the experience. The initial symptoms described include a chaotic, buzzing mind likened to a beehive and intense skin itching compared to fire ants with tiny daggers. The night is characterized by this internal war, leading to waking up in pools of sweat, soaking through clothes and sheets.
Self-Portrait of Menopause
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(00:02:08)
  • Key Takeaway: The speaker visually represents their current state as the intersection of menopause, fascism, and self, later identifying as a ‘dried colonial apple doll’ due to moisture loss.
  • Summary: The speaker’s current state is visualized as a Venn diagram intersection of menopause, fascism, and the self, described as a ‘flaming hot fire.’ This physical description evolves into the realization that they resemble a ‘dried colonial apple doll’ from elementary school crafts, symbolizing shrunkenness and the loss of internal moisture. This shrunken state is described as representing not just physical appearance but the soul itself.
Motion Sickness and Hair Changes
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(00:07:04)
  • Key Takeaway: Perimenopause can induce severe motion sickness triggered by various movements, including watching camera pans in TV shows, alongside significant, texture-altering hair changes.
  • Summary: Symptoms expanded beyond night disturbances to include motion sickness, initially triggered by airplanes and cars, eventually extending to watching any motion, including people walking or camera movements in television shows like The Office. Concurrently, the speaker’s hair texture changed drastically, described as ‘wire sticking out’ and resembling Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus. A new physical symptom, a red mask on the cheeks resembling rosacea, also appeared, which took months to connect to perimenopause.
Emotional Impact and Irritation
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(00:13:17)
  • Key Takeaway: The emotional toll of perimenopause includes an absence of typical joy and a dominant feeling of irritation, which manifests as an urge to fix external problems, such as negotiating a partner’s noises.
  • Summary: The emotional experience is described as an absence of joy and peace, even when objectively observing happy occurrences, leading to a primary feeling of irritation. This irritation prompts the speaker to try to fix external problems, exemplified by a detailed negotiation with their partner, Abby, over the volume and frequency of her morning noises, including the ’elephant sanctuary’ sounds. This attempt at logical negotiation resulted in hurting the partner’s feelings, demonstrating the difficulty of maintaining relationships during this time.
Critique of Medical Environments
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(00:30:41)
  • Key Takeaway: Gynecological offices often prioritize commercial aesthetics like weight loss and Botox advertisements over providing supportive care for women experiencing perimenopausal distress.
  • Summary: The speaker details the jarring experience of visiting a gynecologist’s office filled with advertisements for cosmetic procedures and weight loss drugs, which felt completely disconnected from the serious health issues being discussed. This environment was further complicated by a large poster in the bathroom depicting a woman on the toilet with vodka and a cigarette, which the speaker found to be a deeply problematic and potentially harmful message in a healthcare setting. This predatory environment contributes to the feeling that the medical system is failing women in midlife.
Cultural Invalidation and Solidarity
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(00:35:08)
  • Key Takeaway: The cultural response to menopause is a ‘culling’ where intolerable situations are rejected, highlighting that society accepts poor quality of life for women during this third of their lifespan, unlike male aging issues.
  • Summary: The experience is framed as a spiritual ‘culling,’ where the speaker can no longer tolerate situations or environments that are not right for their soul, such as predatory medical settings. The lack of institutional support for menopause is contrasted with the significant funding and accommodation provided for male aging issues, such as erectile dysfunction drugs covered by the DOD. This disparity confirms a cultural acceptance of women living with poor quality of life for one-third of their lifespan, which is deemed a ‘moral wound.’
Surprise Guest and WDNC Club
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(00:51:00)
  • Key Takeaway: Melani Sanders founded the We Do Not Care (WDNC) movement, which has grown to over 4 million members who collectively agree to stop caring about societal pressures and specific menopausal annoyances.
  • Summary: Melani Sanders created the We Do Not Care Club after realizing she was putting too much pressure on herself to accept too much, prompting her to record a call to action that garnered over 4 million members. The club’s tenets include not caring if they forget what they are talking about, needing to turn down music to back out of parking spots, and not caring if they hurt someone’s feelings. Other ‘don’ts’ include caring about wearing high heels, wearing makeup, or wearing ‘hard pants,’ signaling a collective rejection of appearance standards.