A Slight Change of Plans

“I Felt Like an Alien Impersonating Myself”

March 17, 2026

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  • Rachel Gross experienced a stroke in May 2024 that affected her cerebellum, leading to a profound feeling of being a stranger to herself as automatic functions became conscious and effortful. 
  • The experience highlighted the disconnect between Rachel's internal perception of impairment and how her community perceived her, as friends and family often filled in the gaps, leading to feelings of isolation. 
  • The injury prompted Rachel to re-evaluate her identity, which was heavily tied to high academic achievement and intellectual fluency, leading to a greater appreciation for embodied cognition and the moments when mind and body flow seamlessly. 

Segments

Rachel’s Stroke Symptoms Onset
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(00:04:48)
  • Key Takeaway: Rachel Gross’s stroke symptoms in late May 2024 included awkward handwriting, stilted typing, and automatic physical activities becoming conscious efforts.
  • Summary: Symptoms began with subtle motor control issues like awkward handwriting and typing, progressing to running feeling like a conscious effort rather than an automatic activity. Vocal control was also affected, leading to the feeling that instructions were getting lost between the brain and the body. Initial denial led her to attribute the symptoms to stress until physical manifestations like increased heart rate and random crying signaled a more serious issue.
Stroke Diagnosis and Cerebellum Location
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(00:07:04)
  • Key Takeaway: Rachel’s stroke was caused by a bleed in the cerebellum, which doctors initially described as ‘winning the stroke lottery’ because it primarily affects motor function.
  • Summary: The diagnosis came after visiting urgent care, revealing a bleed in the back of her brain, identified as a stroke. Doctors reassured her that the cerebellum’s role in motor control meant she would likely remain ‘herself’ despite clumsiness post-surgery. This reassurance conflicted with her acute feeling of not being like herself due to cognitive slowdown and difficulty focusing.
Psychological Essentialism and Self-Identity
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(00:10:28)
  • Key Takeaway: The stroke forced Rachel to confront psychological essentialism—the philosophical inquiry into what constitutes the ’essence’ of a person—as the breakdown in motor control created a distance between her internal self-concept and external manifestation.
  • Summary: The feeling of not being ‘Rachel’ was not easily itemized but stemmed from a breakdown in the transmission between her mind’s commands and her body’s actions. This required conscious effort to perform basic movements, like navigating a subway, which felt exhausting and isolating. The effort required to ‘perform’ herself highlighted how much of normal life relies on effortless, unconscious processing.
Community Perception and Performance
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(00:15:20)
  • Key Takeaway: Rachel felt alienated performing as ’normal Rachel’ for friends and family who, due to protective cognitive biases, often failed to notice her impairments.
  • Summary: In high-energy settings like karaoke, the lack of unconscious mannerisms (like hip movement) made her performance fall flat, contrasting with her usual stage presence. Close friends and family often reassured her she seemed fine, which exacerbated the internal chasm between her felt state and external reality. Listeners’ tendency to finish her slower sentences demonstrated a protective mechanism to maintain the perception of normalcy.
Cerebellum’s True Role in Cognition
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(00:22:30)
  • Key Takeaway: Newer neuroscience suggests the cerebellum acts as the brain’s ‘union station,’ refining and polishing thoughts and gestures before they manifest, contradicting older literature stating it is ineloquent regarding language and cognition.
  • Summary: Initial research handed to Rachel suggested the cerebellum was safe to operate on because it lacked cognitive roles, which contradicted her experience of cognitive difficulty. Scientists now view the cerebellum as central to the interface between mind and body, transforming internal thoughts into appropriate external expressions. Damage to this area forces previously automatic processes, like proper foot placement while walking, into exhausting conscious control.
Adapting to a Changing Brain
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(00:27:24)
  • Key Takeaway: Rachel’s recovery involved resisting necessary adaptation while clinging to her previous high-achievement identity, leading to burnout until a breakdown forced her to accept her new mental state.
  • Summary: The underlying fear was losing connection with people, as her identity was built on fluency in science communication and storytelling. She initially compensated by over-reporting and working harder, a familiar pattern from navigating male-dominated fields. Hitting a wall and experiencing short-term memory loss served as a critical realization that she could no longer sustain the effort required to ‘perform’ her old self.
New Values and Embodied Cognition
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(00:33:36)
  • Key Takeaway: Post-stroke reflection shifted Rachel’s focus from external validation and intellectual achievement to valuing authenticity, gratitude, and the heightened awareness of moments when body and mind achieve flow.
  • Summary: Her drive was rooted in seeking external validation and avoiding disappointment, especially given her high-achieving family background. She now values the ability to speak her truth and convey lived experience, even if the technical aspects of synthesis are harder. The experience cultivated a deep appreciation for embodied activities like yoga and singing, recognizing the intelligence inherent in being fully present physically, emotionally, and intellectually.