Modern Wisdom

#1072 - Dr Debra Soh - Why Nobody is Having Sex Anymore (& why it matters)

March 16, 2026

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  • The modern "sex recession" is a significant issue, with data showing one in three men and one in five women have not had sex in the past year, and overall sexual activity is declining across all demographics, not just shifting to alternative outlets like masturbation. 
  • The decline in sex is multifaceted, driven by factors including the rise of the internet, social media, increased political/interpersonal hatred, widespread mental health issues (anxiety/depression), and the prioritization of sleep over sex among Gen Z. 
  • Hypergamy, exacerbated by online culture and socioeconomic imbalances where women increasingly out-earn men, creates a smaller pool of 'suitable' male partners, leading to men feeling pressure to 'looksmax' and women potentially missing out on compatible partners by adhering to narrow criteria like the 'three sixes rule'. 
  • Interest in BDSM and kink, particularly for men, is strongly correlated with a history of severe physical abuse in childhood, suggesting these preferences may be a maladaptive coping mechanism rather than purely sexual variation. 
  • The rise of 'looksmaxxing' and cosmetic procedures in both men and women is driven by intense intrasexual competition and the need to signal fitness or resources in a highly curated digital marketplace, often leading to caricatures of sexual dimorphism. 
  • The modern 'sex recession' is exacerbated by technology, as social media use leads men to lose interest in their partners and women to feel less sexually desirable, while AI companions offer realistic, low-effort substitutes for genuine human connection, further reducing the incentive for difficult real-world dating. 
  • The perceived high cost of children is often an easier explanation for not having them than the difficulty of finding a suitable partner, especially for single individuals. 
  • Women should cultivate receptivity by making their interest obvious through clear cues like smiling, as men are biologically wired to respond to these signals, which can help mitigate post-#MeToo dating difficulties. 
  • For men struggling with mental health, practical steps include improving diet (cutting ultra-processed foods), exercising, getting sunlight, and potentially abstaining from pornography for 30 days to boost motivation. 

Segments

Sex Recession Confirmation and Data
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(00:00:00)
  • Key Takeaway: The sex recession is confirmed by data showing one in three men and one in five women have abstained from sex in the last 12 months.
  • Summary: The decline in sex is considered a significant problem, particularly frustrating for young men in their prime. Data consistently shows that one in three men and one in five women have not had sex in the past year. The discussion aims to identify what is replacing sex and what this trend implies for the future.
Alternative Sexual Outlets Decline
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(00:02:08)
  • Key Takeaway: Overall sexual activity, including partnered sex, intercourse, and solo masturbation, is declining across all developed countries and age cohorts, suggesting the overall ‘pie’ of sexual activity is shrinking.
  • Summary: Sexual activity is decreasing across the board, not just being redistributed to outlets like porn or masturbation; even adolescent masturbation rates are lower. This suggests a larger phenomenon is at play beyond simple substitution with technology. Endocrine disruptors are mentioned as a potential biological factor contributing to this overall decline.
Timeline and Social Media Impact
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(00:04:17)
  • Key Takeaway: The sex recession has been documented for about 30 years, becoming most prominent in the last two decades, with the internet, smartphones, and social media fueling division and contributing to the decline.
  • Summary: The decline started tapering in the 1990s but has been most prominent in the last 20 years, worsened by COVID-19. Social media, intended for connection, has instead fostered division between men and women, fueling political hatred that hinders dating and relationships.
Gen Z Priorities and Mental Health
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(00:06:04)
  • Key Takeaway: A significant portion of Gen Z (67%) prioritizes a good night’s sleep over sex, correlating with high rates of anxiety and depression which make dating efforts (facing rejection, needing to be entertaining) too daunting.
  • Summary: Statistics show a sharp drop in weekly sex among adults since 1990, with Gen Z reporting high rates of sexlessness. High rates of anxiety and depression among Gen Z lead to a lack of motivation for the social effort required in dating. Easier replacements like swiping or sleeping are chosen instead of facing potential rejection.
Hypergamy and Unrealistic Standards
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(00:07:26)
  • Key Takeaway: Internet culture has amplified hypergamy, leading to unrealistic standards like the ’three sixes rule’ (height, income, penis size) that men feel pressured by, while women may overlook crucial factors like kindness and chemistry.
  • Summary: Hypergamy, the tendency for women to partner with men of equal or higher status, is scientifically true but has been exaggerated online. Men are increasingly pursuing cosmetic procedures (’looksmaxxing’) based on perceived female standards, while women adhering strictly to metrics might miss out on essential relationship qualities.
Tall Girl Problem and Socioeconomic Mismatch
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(00:13:32)
  • Key Takeaway: The ’tall girl problem’ describes how socioeconomically successful women struggle to find partners because high-performing men have abundant options, leaving lower-earning men invisible as potential providers.
  • Summary: As women outperform men in education and earnings up to age 30, a mismatch occurs where the top quintile of women dates the top quintile of men, forcing the bottom two quintiles of men into opposite hypergamous pairings. This raw physics of the system makes coupling difficult, as men losing jobs significantly increases divorce risk, while women losing jobs does not.
Hormonal Birth Control Effects on Mating
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(00:22:39)
  • Key Takeaway: Hormonal birth control halts ovulation, blunting a woman’s peak sexual psychology and altering mate preferences toward provisioning over protection, which can lead to attraction loss upon cessation.
  • Summary: When ovulating, women exhibit higher sexual interest and wear more provocative clothing, cues men can detect via appearance and scent. If women are on the pill for years and then stop when ready for children, they may find they are no longer attracted to their long-term partner, who was chosen under a hormonally altered state.
Pornography’s Neuroscience and Sedation
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(00:41:42)
  • Key Takeaway: Pornography activates the same brain regions as real sex, making it a compelling, easily accessible proxy for gratification that contributes to male lethargy and sedation, potentially explaining the lack of corresponding antisocial behavior despite high male sexlessness.
  • Summary: Pornography provides sexual gratification and feel-good chemicals, making the hassle of real dating less appealing for men. The ‘male sedation hypothesis’ suggests screens, video games, and porn are sedating young men out of status-seeking and reproductive behavior. The law of ‘fap entropy’ suggests men progressively reveal their true sexual preferences rather than becoming progressively more extreme.
Porn’s Influence on Sexual Behavior
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(00:52:28)
  • Key Takeaway: Early exposure to pornography, especially among Gen Z women, is linked to the normalization of risky behaviors like sexual choking, as they internalize these acts as necessary for attracting men.
  • Summary: For men whose violent tendencies predate the internet, porn is likely a reflection, not a cause, of existing hostility toward women. However, early exposure for younger generations is concerning, as it shapes their understanding of sexuality. Research suggests women may prefer aggressive porn more than men, indicating female sexual fluidity and masochism as a typical paraphilia.
Fluidity of Female Sexuality
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(00:57:25)
  • Key Takeaway: Women’s sexuality is evolutionarily more flexible, potentially allowing arousal regardless of the situation, which can lead to post-assault shame.
  • Summary: Female sexuality is noted as being more flexible than male sexuality, an evolutionary trait that may protect women by allowing arousal even during sexual assault. This biological mechanism can cause significant subsequent shame when victims question their body’s reaction to trauma. The discussion touches upon the arousal preferences related to aggression and pain in pornography.
BDSM, Kink, and Trauma Link
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(00:59:36)
  • Key Takeaway: Interest in BDSM and kink is more strongly correlated with severe physical abuse in childhood than even conviction for child sex crimes.
  • Summary: Data collected by Dr. Soh suggests a significant correlation between interest in BDSM/kink and a history of severe physical abuse during childhood, especially for men. This correlation is stronger than the link between BDSM interest and being a convicted child sex offender. The segment posits that finding physical pain arousing when reproduction is possible suggests a ‘wiring cross’ due to past trauma.
Romance Novels and Male Archetypes
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(01:04:54)
  • Key Takeaway: The appeal of dangerous but protective male archetypes in romance novels reflects a desire for a man capable of aggression but possessing the regulation to never direct it toward his partner.
  • Summary: The popularity of romance novels like ‘A Court of Thorns and Roses’ highlights an archetypal female desire for a partner who possesses high testosterone and aggression capability for protection. This desire is coupled with the need for that man to have the self-regulation to never be aggressive toward the partner. This pattern misfiring suggests a preference for controlled dominance rather than indiscriminate aggression.
Social Media’s Impact on Desire
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(01:08:35)
  • Key Takeaway: Exposure to influencers on social media causes approximately one in ten men to temporarily lose interest in sex with their actual partner, while women feel less sexually desirable.
  • Summary: Social media subtly alters partner perception; men viewing influencers can experience a temporary dip in desire for their real-life partners. Conversely, women often experience decreased sexual desirability after consuming social media content. This comparison game is linked to rising cosmetic procedures as individuals attempt to compete in the digital marketplace.
Cosmetic Surgery Trends and Signaling
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(01:13:59)
  • Key Takeaway: Cosmetic procedures like labiaplasty and buccal fat removal are often driven by unrealistic ideals derived from pornography and a desire to emulate the peak fertility age of the mid-20s.
  • Summary: Young women are increasingly undergoing procedures like labiaplasty and breast augmentation, influenced heavily by pornography, while men are seeking filler injections to appear larger. Buccal fat removal aims to look older than one’s age, potentially overshooting the ideal fertility window typically found in the mid-20s. These procedures function as status signals, akin to displaying expensive handbags, indicating access to resources or a partner who pays for them.
Male Beautification and Formidability
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(01:24:16)
  • Key Takeaway: Young men engaging in ’looksmaxxing’ are primarily optimizing for formidability to compete with other men, rather than directly maximizing traits women find most attractive.
  • Summary: Male beautification efforts, such as emphasizing strong jaws and cheekbones, appear to be driven more by intrasexual competition—impressing other men—than by female mate preferences. Studies suggest that female ratings of male attractiveness have low predictive power for sexual success, whereas male ratings of formidability are highly predictive. This suggests men may be projecting their own visual assessment criteria onto women.
Sexual Novelty and Relationship Longevity
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(01:35:36)
  • Key Takeaway: To maintain sexual excitement in long-term relationships, partners should titrate sexual novelty and access as slowly as possible to respect neurobiology, especially male refractory periods.
  • Summary: Sexual novelty is crucial for maintaining excitement, and moving too quickly through sexual milestones shortens the perceived ‘book’ of the relationship, diminishing future arousal. Research suggests that introducing sexual novelty slowly over a long period can sustain attraction. For men, sexual intimacy often serves as a primary pathway for emotional closeness, making sexlessness particularly damaging to long-term bonds.
Motherhood Political Fallacies
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(01:55:41)
  • Key Takeaway: Both progressive and conservative narratives surrounding motherhood contain fallacies regarding financial independence and career sacrifice.
  • Summary: Progressives often frame motherhood as leading to financial dependence and potential abuse due to lost income, while some conservatives incorrectly advise young women to ignore career development to focus solely on early childbearing. The historical low divorce rate was partly due to women having no alternative financial options outside marriage. The reality is that babies inherently prefer the mother, making equal division of primary care difficult.
Affordability vs. Partnership
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(01:57:38)
  • Key Takeaway: The stated reason of ‘kids being too expensive’ often masks the underlying difficulty of finding a partner with whom to have children.
  • Summary: While the inability to afford children is a genuine concern, the speaker suggests that for couples, it is rarely the primary barrier to having kids. Single individuals commenting on the expense of parenting are often projecting their own relationship status issues onto the broader debate. The biological window for female fertility is definitive, dropping by half by age 35.
Fertility and Endocrine Disruption
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(02:00:16)
  • Key Takeaway: A significant portion of a woman’s lifetime egg supply is lost before she reaches reproductive age, and in utero exposure to endocrine disruptors can affect multiple generations.
  • Summary: Approximately 50% of a girl’s eggs are gone by the time she becomes fertile. Because a female is born with all the eggs she will ever have, exposure to environmental toxins while in utero can impact the health of the daughter and potentially the grandchildren through the eggs.
Adversarial Dating Dynamics
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(02:00:42)
  • Key Takeaway: Polarizing discourse blaming the opposite sex fuels an evolutionary arms race where each sex optimizes strategies against the other, hindering intimacy.
  • Summary: The adversarial narrative prevents men and women from achieving closeness and sexual intimacy by fostering blame rather than cooperation. This dynamic, related to David Buss’s evolutionary co-evolutionary arms race theory, forces individuals to constantly escalate strategies to demonstrate value.
Solutions for Women
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(02:02:12)
  • Key Takeaway: Women should prioritize meeting partners in real life, signaling interest clearly via non-verbal cues like smiling, and avoid the societal pressure to exclusively seek high-status male providers.
  • Summary: Smiling obviously is a powerful cue, as the medial orbital frontal cortex lights up more strongly when an attractive face smiles. Men are wired to notice subtle cues like touching hair or adjusting clothing, which signal interest. Women should be compassionate toward struggling men, recognizing that high-earning women taking on the provider role correlates with higher divorce and domestic violence rates.
Solutions for Men
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(02:04:29)
  • Key Takeaway: Men struggling with mental health should focus on foundational health improvements and consider a 30-day abstinence from pornography to potentially increase motivation.
  • Summary: Cutting out ultra-processed food has been shown to remit depression in a significant portion of sufferers within 12 weeks. Men should prioritize healthy eating, exercise, and sunlight exposure. The speaker supports the idea of trying a 30-day NoFAP challenge based on positive feedback received from many men who have tried it.
Guest Promotion and Reading List
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(02:05:38)
  • Key Takeaway: Dr. Debra Soh’s book, ‘Sextinction: The Decline of Sex, and the Future of Intimacy,’ is available everywhere, and the host offers a free list of 100 recommended books.
  • Summary: Dr. Soh’s book, ‘Sextinction: The Decline of Sex, and the Future of Intimacy,’ can be found on Simon Schuster’s website or drdebrasoh.com, with the audiobook read by the author. Chris Willx provides a free list of 100 impactful books at chriswillx.com/books for listeners seeking curated reading material.