Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Armchair Anonymous: Stealing II

December 12, 2025

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  • The discussion on stealing suggests that vices like shoplifting may skew female, possibly linked to evolutionary behaviors like 'nesting' and 'squirreling away things,' while men's vices might lean toward violence like murder. 
  • The Armchair Anonymous segment reveals that even minor acts of theft, such as stealing a pregnancy test or a pickle, can lead to disproportionately severe consequences, including police intervention and juvenile detention. 
  • The stories shared by callers highlight extreme outcomes stemming from youthful indiscretions, ranging from being sent to live abroad after joyriding in a stolen car to a father being kidnapped for ransom in South America. 
  • A listener recounts being handcuffed, booked, and detained after being falsely accused of stealing a purse left in a parking lot, highlighting the severe consequences of a mistaken accusation. 
  • The legal case against the listener dragged on for six months due to the initial arresting officer and the purse owner failing to appear in court, ultimately resulting in the judge dismissing the case when the owner's son confirmed nothing was missing. 
  • The listener later discovered that the attorney hired to defend them in the wrongful arrest case was a man they frequently saw at a local bar, and the arresting officer was a close friend of another friend, illustrating surprising connections within the community. 

Segments

Stealing Prevalence and Gender Skew
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(00:00:14)
  • Key Takeaway: Shoplifting may skew female, potentially connected to evolutionary drives like nesting and gathering resources.
  • Summary: The hosts speculate that a very low percentage of people live their entire lives without stealing. They suggest that shoplifting, as a vice, leans female heavy, possibly connecting it to evolutionary instincts for women to gather and squirrel away items. Conversely, they humorously suggest that male vices might manifest as murder.
Dax’s Parking Meter Theft
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(00:02:20)
  • Key Takeaway: Dax successfully stole an entire parking meter, including its cement base, and dragged it to his apartment.
  • Summary: Dax admitted to successfully stealing a parking meter, which he dragged a block down the sidewalk to his apartment. His partner, Bree, discovered the stolen meter when she woke up. The act left a noticeable scrape mark on the sidewalk.
Shelly’s Pregnancy Test Theft
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(00:05:12)
  • Key Takeaway: Attempting to steal a pregnancy test at age 14 resulted in three girls being handcuffed and taken to the police station, though the incident was ultimately dismissed.
  • Summary: Shelly recounted an elaborate plan with friends to steal a pregnancy test because they feared the social stigma of buying one. The plan failed due to store cameras, leading to police involvement and handcuffing, though they were released after parents arrived. A dramatic twist later revealed the friend they were trying to help was indeed pregnant, and the father later had a child with the friend who committed the theft.
Shelly’s Brother’s Bank Robbery
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(00:12:00)
  • Key Takeaway: Shelly’s brother, a meth addict, robbed a bank using an empty Funyuns bag, waited outside for the police, and was subsequently nicknamed the ‘Funyuns Bandit.’
  • Summary: Shelly’s brother robbed a bank in the late 1990s using an empty Funyuns bag and no weapon, expecting to be arrested immediately. He was sentenced to three years in prison for the crime. Shelly notes that she learned positive life lessons by observing his very bad example.
Jack’s Great Beer Run Heist
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(00:14:40)
  • Key Takeaway: Jack and a friend stole a keg, CO2 tank, and chilling equipment from a private swim club, resulting in a massive beer spray when the pressurized lines warmed up.
  • Summary: Jack and his friend Mac, after breaking into a closed snack bar for Swedish Fish, stole a beer keg and its pressurization/chilling system from a club’s after-hours beer tent. They set it up at Jack’s house, but the pressurized keg lines warmed up overnight, causing beer to spray everywhere like a fire hose when they tried to shut it off.
Jack’s Stolen LeBaron Crash
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(00:37:16)
  • Key Takeaway: Jack’s 13-year-old friend crashed the stolen Chrysler LeBaron into a retaining wall while trying to impress girls, leading to Jack’s arrest and subsequent relocation to Venezuela.
  • Summary: After stealing the car keys, Jack’s friend drove the LeBaron recklessly, losing control and crashing into a retaining wall, narrowly missing the front of a stranger’s house. Jack was arrested and detained until his parents arrived, who then decided it was safest for him to move to Venezuela to live with his father.
Kelly’s Father’s Kidnapping
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(00:40:37)
  • Key Takeaway: Kelly’s father was kidnapped in Colombia in the early 1990s and held for nine months, eventually being released after his business partner paid a reduced ransom of $50,000.
  • Summary: Kelly’s father disappeared while on a business trip in Colombia, leading to an FBI inquiry at her home in Las Vegas. Her mother contacted his business partner, who confirmed the kidnapping and subsequent ransom demand. The father was eventually released after the business partner paid a significantly reduced amount.
Trish’s Accidental Purse Theft
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(00:47:54)
  • Key Takeaway: Trish was arrested for grand larceny after picking up a lost purse in a parking lot, which she intended to turn into the police the next morning.
  • Summary: Trish picked up a purse she found in a strip mall parking lot, intending to turn it in later, but was immediately surrounded by police cars upon returning from a quick stop at Wawa. An officer accused her of grand larceny and arrested her, removing the battery from her phone so she could not call her waiting husband.
Wrongful Arrest Aftermath
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(00:51:15)
  • Key Takeaway: The listener was handcuffed, taken to the police station, booked, and had photos taken of their tattoos following the mistaken theft accusation.
  • Summary: The police insisted the listener should have called them immediately instead of planning to drop off the found purse the next morning. The situation escalated to the point where the listener was in the back seat of their car in handcuffs. The husband arrived in a loud, heavily modified 1982 Chevy pickup truck, confusing the situation further before being informed of the alleged theft.
Legal Battle and Dismissal
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(00:52:27)
  • Key Takeaway: The initial arrest led to court dates requiring the hiring of an attorney, but the case was eventually dismissed after six months because the arresting officer and the owner never appeared.
  • Summary: The evening was completely ruined, leading to court dates and the necessity of hiring legal counsel. The first two court dates were postponed because the police officer failed to appear. After six months of rescheduling, the owner’s elderly son appeared, confirmed nothing was missing, and the judge dismissed the case, meaning the listener was never formally charged.
iPhone Ping Leads to Police
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(00:53:02)
  • Key Takeaway: The police located the listener’s car because they were able to ping the ringing, brand new iPhone that was still inside the found purse.
  • Summary: The ringing sound heard from the back seat was identified as the elderly owner’s new iPhone, which the police were actively tracking. This tracking allowed the police to surround the car and detain the listener. The son later acknowledged that the situation was an inconvenience caused by the initial reporting party.
Attorney Coincidence and Good Deeds
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(00:53:22)
  • Key Takeaway: Years later, the listener recognized the attorney hired for the wrongful arrest case working as a regular patron at a bar they frequented with their father-in-law.
  • Summary: For nearly four years, the listener met their father-in-law weekly at a specific bar where they noticed a man they couldn’t place. Six months after the bar closed due to COVID, the listener realized this man was the attorney they had hired during the purse incident. Separately, the listener was cautioned by their mother for being too nice after returning a lost phone, fearing another wrongful arrest.
Police Connection Revelation
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(00:54:56)
  • Key Takeaway: The arresting officer from the wrongful arrest incident turned out to be best friends with one of the listener’s close friends.
  • Summary: When recounting the story to a close friend who is also a police officer in the same town, the friend recognized the name of the arresting officer. The friend revealed that he and the officer who arrested the listener were best friends. The segment concludes with the hosts referencing a previous episode on forgiveness related to police interactions.