Unexplainable

How to change your personality

September 29, 2025

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  • Personality is defined as consistent thoughts and behaviors that help achieve goals, and while it involves performance in specific situations, there is a natural, consistent underlying tendency. 
  • Personality traits, such as the Big Five (neuroticism, extroversion, agreeableness, openness, and conscientiousness), are generally accepted in psychology, though they are imperfect measures. 
  • Intentional personality change is possible, often following the principle of "act yourself into feeling" (behavioral changes leading to thought changes), though traits like neuroticism are significantly harder to alter than behavioral traits like conscientiousness. 

Segments

Defining Personality and Goals
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(00:03:59)
  • Key Takeaway: Personality is defined as consistent thoughts and behaviors that help an individual achieve their goals, such as agreeableness aiding in social connections.
  • Summary: Personality consists of consistent thoughts and behaviors that researchers believe help individuals achieve their goals. For example, the trait of agreeableness helps people make friends and achieve social connections. Personality is partly a performance based on situational needs, but a consistent underlying pattern of behavior and thought generally exists.
The Big Five Traits
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(00:06:11)
  • Key Takeaway: The Big Five personality traits (neuroticism, extroversion, agreeableness, openness to experience, and conscientiousness) are generally accepted in psychology, unlike systems like Myers-Briggs.
  • Summary: The Big Five traits are the most likely basis for modern personality studies, though they have weaknesses, such as ‘openness’ being a vague catch-all. Traits like Ania Graham and Myers-Briggs are not generally accepted in the field. Personality measurement is scientifically difficult, making the Big Five the best current framework.
Motivation for Personality Change
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(00:07:20)
  • Key Takeaway: The guest sought personality change not due to self-hatred, but because her high neuroticism caused negative reactions to small events, undermining her enjoyment of life.
  • Summary: Admitting a desire to change personality traits is not mutually exclusive with self-love; traits can be viewed as tools to better achieve goals. The guest’s high neuroticism led to epic meltdowns over minor inconveniences, preventing her from appreciating her life. She also aimed to deepen social connections, which was impacted by COVID isolation.
Neuroticism and Catastrophizing
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(00:09:35)
  • Key Takeaway: Catastrophizing is a core component of high neuroticism, stemming from a constant perception of threat and a desire to control uncertainty.
  • Summary: Neuroticism is associated with anxiety and depression, both linked to a feeling of constant threat perception. Worry, often seen as a self-soothing behavior, is a habit loop that can paradoxically increase anxiety in the long run. High neuroticism involves a strong fear of uncertainty and a desire for control over the future.
Agreeableness Nuances
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(00:12:35)
  • Key Takeaway: While agreeableness promotes warmth and empathy, excessive agreeableness can manifest as people-pleasing, necessitating learning how to communicate boundaries and say no.
  • Summary: Agreeableness involves warmth, empathy, and trust, which can deepen relationships. However, being too agreeable can lead to people feeling walked over or unable to decline requests. Personality change in this area involves learning to communicate boundaries effectively while still fostering connections.
Difficulty Changing Neuroticism
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(00:13:56)
  • Key Takeaway: Neuroticism was the hardest trait to change, requiring mindfulness practices like meditation, which the guest initially resisted because she felt anxiety was protective.
  • Summary: The primary method for improving neuroticism is through mindfulness practices like meditation or slow yoga, which the guest found challenging due to her natural tendency toward ongoing concerns. The guest initially felt anxiety was protective, acting as the ‘fire under’ her to force action. Six months of serious meditation reduced her depression score significantly and lowered anxiety, though it did not eliminate it.
Traits Correlated with Happiness
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(00:17:01)
  • Key Takeaway: For happiness, well-being, and longevity, research suggests being moderately high on all Big Five traits, especially high emotional stability (low neuroticism).
  • Summary: If the goal is happiness and well-being, research correlates positively with being high on all five traits, except for neuroticism, where emotional stability is key. Extroverts are consistently found to be happier, partly because they interpret ambiguous social stimuli more positively and engage in more activities. Extroverts also tend to have more social connections, including weak ties, which contributes to happiness.
Personality Fixedness vs. Change
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(00:23:10)
  • Key Takeaway: The idea that personality is ‘set like plaster’ around age 30 is outdated; people naturally change over decades, and intentional change research shows further shifts are possible.
  • Summary: Research shows that people change on at least one personality trait naturally between young adulthood and their 60s, such as becoming less neurotic and less open to experience. Intentional personality change research involves asking people to change and measuring the results, leading to even greater shifts. While genetics play a role, even ’tinkering at the margins’ through therapy or consistent action can be significant.
Behavior vs. Thought Change
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(00:27:17)
  • Key Takeaway: Behavioral traits like conscientiousness are easier to change by consistently performing the associated actions, whereas traits involving thought processes, like neuroticism, require genuine desire and challenging internal thoughts.
  • Summary: Conscientiousness can improve simply by consistently performing associated behaviors like making to-do lists or decluttering, even without a strong internal desire. Changing neuroticism or agreeableness is harder because it requires challenging thought processes and thinking about situations differently. The principle ‘act yourself into feeling’ suggests that actions can lead to changes in thought patterns.
Practical Change Interventions
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(00:37:08)
  • Key Takeaway: Concrete interventions include signing up for accountable activities (for extroversion), decluttering (for conscientiousness), and taking a formal meditation class (for neuroticism).
  • Summary: To increase extroversion, one should sign up for required activities, like an improv class, rather than vaguely planning to socialize more. For conscientiousness, professional organizers advise decluttering by throwing away extraneous stuff, which applies to commitments as well. The ACT framework—Accept negative feelings, Commit to values, Take action—is useful for pushing through the initial discomfort of change.