How to Be a Better Human

How to find true love (w/ Francesca Hogi)

February 9, 2026

Key Takeaways Copied to clipboard!

  • True love is fundamentally an inside job, meaning internal beliefs about love and self-worth are more crucial to finding lasting relationships than external factors like demographics or meeting many people. 
  • Effective dating standards should prioritize how a partner treats you within the relationship (e.g., respect, support) rather than focusing primarily on external characteristics like income or education. 
  • To find true love, individuals must move past societal conditioning that promotes external focus and scarcity in love, instead embracing their authentic selves to attract the right connections, even if it means some people will self-select out. 

Segments

Sponsorship and Show Introduction
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(00:00:00)
  • Key Takeaway: The episode begins with sponsor messages before introducing the host and guest.
  • Summary: The initial segment features advertisements for ATT Business Wireless and SahaQuest. Host Chris Duffy then introduces the episode of How to Be a Better Human, recorded live in Vancouver, featuring love coach Francesca Hogi, author of How to Find True Love.
Critique of Fairytale Love
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(00:02:30)
  • Key Takeaway: The ‘happily ever after’ fairytale complex commodifies love, suggesting worthiness must be bought or earned through external validation.
  • Summary: Francesca Hogi critiques the fairytale industrial complex for selling romantic love as a storybook fantasy tied to external worthiness. This propaganda disconnects people from self-worth and causes confusion about compatibility. A new possibility for romance must center self-love and align choices with authentic values.
Sponsorship Breaks
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(00:04:42)
  • Key Takeaway: The podcast pauses for advertisements covering travel, meal kits, and business connectivity.
  • Summary: The conversation pauses for sponsorship messages from Best Western Hotels and Resorts, Blue Apron, and Spectrum Business. These breaks interrupt the main discussion on finding true love.
Purpose of Love and Inside Job
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(00:07:55)
  • Key Takeaway: The ultimate purpose of life involves learning to be more loving to oneself and others, as true love is an inside job.
  • Summary: Francesca Hogi defines the purpose of life as learning to give and receive more love, viewing it as a lifelong journey. She emphasizes that true love is an inside job, meaning internal beliefs and self-perception are more critical than simply meeting the ‘right person.’
Examining Strict Preferences
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(00:10:53)
  • Key Takeaway: The reasoning behind strict dating preferences, such as race or religion, must be examined to ensure they stem from genuine heart’s desire rather than external conditioning or perceived desirability.
  • Summary: People often box themselves in with overly strict preferences that do not align with their true relationship needs. External traits like education or income are often used as proxies for desired relationship qualities, such as supportiveness or lack of intimidation, which should be focused on directly.
Redefining Dating Standards
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(00:14:51)
  • Key Takeaway: Crucial dating standards concern how a partner treats you in the relationship, not just external characteristics that supposedly guarantee good treatment.
  • Summary: Many people mistakenly focus on external characteristics (height, income) as standards, believing these negate the need for good treatment. The truly important standards are those governing how partners relate to one another, such as respect, which should be present from day one.
Challenging Desirability Narratives
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(00:16:29)
  • Key Takeaway: Individuals must actively decolonize their minds from cultural messages that dictate desirability, especially concerning race, and stop prioritizing having many options over being authentic.
  • Summary: Cultural narratives, particularly those affecting Black women, suggest inherent undesirability, which must be actively pushed back against. A more effective strategy than maximizing marketability is developing self-love and showing up authentically so the right people can recognize you.
Four Steps to True Love
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(00:23:37)
  • Key Takeaway: Finding true love involves four sequential steps: changing one’s mindset about love, improving one’s heartset and self-perception, connecting with a higher love (soul set), and dating using an aligned love skill set.
  • Summary: The first step is confronting and chipping away at limiting beliefs about love (mindset). The second step involves feeling better about oneself (heartset). The third step, soul set, focuses on adopting the belief that love is accessible and not blaming oneself for past patterns. The final step is dating in alignment with these internal shifts (skill set).
Manifestation vs. Responsibility
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(00:25:39)
  • Key Takeaway: Manifesting love is about taking responsibility for shifting personal patterns that attract unwanted outcomes, not about assigning blame for past experiences.
  • Summary: The concept of ‘soul set’ is not about blaming individuals for being single but about recognizing that one is half of the equation in attracting patterns. If a pattern keeps showing up, it is empowering to identify what can be shifted internally rather than assuming one is doomed or that love is impossible.
Bell Hooks and Unskilled Love
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(00:31:48)
  • Key Takeaway: Bell Hooks’ work emphasizes that love is a verb—an action and a choice—which requires skill development because society generally educates people only on love as an emotion.
  • Summary: Bell Hooks provides rigor to the discussion of love by focusing on it as an action rather than just a feeling. Because society rarely educates people on the mechanics of love, most individuals are unskilled at the actions required for successful relationships.
Masculinity and Emotional Access
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(00:34:27)
  • Key Takeaway: Societal pressures on masculinity often harm men’s ability to access vulnerability and emotion, leading to a general lack of relationship skills compared to women.
  • Summary: Toxic masculinity hinders men’s ability to access emotions like love and vulnerability, making them less skilled in relationships. Men need support to do the internal work of self-worth, and a crucial skill is being present with a partner’s problems rather than defaulting to trying to fix them.
Core Relationship Values
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(00:36:44)
  • Key Takeaway: Foundational relationship values, such as respect and safety, must be present from day one, while other elements like intimacy and commitment can grow over time.
  • Summary: When dating, it is vital to look deeper than surface-level traits and focus on core relationship values or needs. Physical safety and respect must be non-negotiable from the start; if they are missing, the relationship should end.
Soulmates and Expansive Views
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(00:41:52)
  • Key Takeaway: There are multiple soulmates available for everyone across various types of human connection, and an expansive view of love makes recognizing and receiving these connections easier.
  • Summary: The idea that only one perfect person exists is unhelpful, similar to believing there is only one possible best friend. Romantic soulmates are just one category; having an expansive view of human connection allows one to more easily recognize and receive the love that comes into life.
Conclusion and Promotion
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(00:42:48)
  • Key Takeaway: The episode concludes by thanking the guest, promoting her book, and encouraging listeners to share the episode as an ‘audio Valentine.’
  • Summary: Chris Duffy thanks Francesca Hogi and promotes her book, How to Find True Love. He also promotes his own book, Humor Me, and credits the production team. Listeners are encouraged to share the episode widely.